On the DB'ing Wagon!

[sage]

Hi K,

wonderful that you and h had a chance to go out together! I think I read on your thread that one of your concerns is the time that h socializes without you, right? So, making the most of the times when you ARE together makes good DB sense.

I see a few areas for applying DB techniques to your description below. Let me interject some comments...

I get home, I offer several suggestions: go out to eat, see a movie, play darts or pool, go to the bookstore, get some food and go to the winery. It's too late to go to the winery, he says Tuesdays are bad for darts, he doesn't feel like seein a movie since we watched a few over the weekend. OK, then, what DO you want to do, H??? I say, you shot down my ideas, so what are yours?

So..you guys were having a brainstorming session about what to do. It's great that you offered up some concrete suggestions and that h felt comfortable enough to tell you how he FELT about some of them. Can you see how your response to him might make him not as likely to tell you how he really feels about stuff in the future? It seems as though you got irked by his response -- am I reading that right?

What if you didn't personalize the fact that he didn't want to do some of the things you suggested?

How do you think you would have responded differently if you had been talking to a friend instead of your h?

We go to the bar to play pool and he asks what I want to drink. I say, get me a small beer. He says he doesn't know what I mean. I mean a small draft beer, you know what kinds i like. Then he gets ALL HUFFY, I say, "it's not like you don't know what I like!" and goes off to get beer. So i ask, "why were you getting all pissy?" he says b/c he didn't think it was that difficult of a question. I said that I don't know the inventory of every bar in the areo and that I didn't think it would be that difficult to pick a beer for me.

So...I recognize this conversation I think I've had it (or something like it!) with my h!

h graciously offers to get you a drink ( ) and asks what you want

You give an indirect answer (why not? I do it all the time!)

H reacts to that and tells you he doesn't know what you mean (he's likely asking you for a MORE DIRECT answer here!)

You say he gets "huffy" (what does that mean) and then the overlay of emotion and ASSumption begins.

You say it's not that difficult to KNOW what you like. You ask him why he's "pissy". ( )

Hey...I can totally relate to your initial response to him (just get me a small beer!) but what if we looked at it from h's point of view?

What if instead of asking him "why he got all pissy" you told him thanks for the beer and "I'm sorry that got so confusing! I'll try to be more direct next time".

One of the things I've learned in my m. is that h was often uncomfortable making decisions for me (even if I asked him to) because I often made him feel as though he couldn't win.

For example...if h had asked me what I wanted and I told him "just get me a small beer" and he brought back brand X, I might say something like "oh, thanks. Hey did they have brand Y over there?" Indirect message to h that possibly I had wanted something different....

Given your exchange earlier in the evening re. what to DO is it possible that h was feeling a bit gunshy about making decisions?

Or, maybe he could just have been wanting a more direct, definitive answer.

Am I wrong for being pissed off at him??? I feel like I am trying like hell to get along and then he pulls this crap??? He never said another word about it, like sorry for over-reacting or SOMETHING!!!

Well I don't know if you're wrong to be angry...but does it get you closer to your goal? It seems to me (gently wrapping the 2x4 in cotton) that you both could have done some things differently here...and since YOU are the one in CHARGE of you...well, that's all we can focus on, right?

I have noticed that when I do become more emotionally stable for a period of time, that some of HIS emo's start coming up. Could it be he's releasing some of his anger towards me? (passive-aggressively?) Is he upset now b/c I am making plans w/o him and not waiting around every minute to be with him?

K -- trying to analyze h's responses to you is a cheeseless tunnel. We've all visited...just don't move in!

What h said was that he disagreed that it wasn't "difficult" to pick a beer for you. I'd leave it at that.

So, I am way detached right now. I don't even feel like being affectionate towards him. But, what if he asks what is wrong? If I say I am mad b/c he didn't apologize, then I won't be accepting him & being conditional. If I say, you seem like you need some space, will I sound like a victim?? What I feel like saying is, "let me know when you feel like treating me like a human being again!!" But, I don't think that that would go over too well. (victim again/blaming???) Plus I don't feel like he really cares about what is going on with my head, or at least he is not acting caring and empathetic. (although those characteristics went out the window a LONG time ago...)

So....you actually don't sound detached to me...you sound mad which is aok and cool but it's not detached! Detached isn't being angry or distant...it's not getting wrapped up in someone's actions or responses to you.

EVERY one of your possible responses to him (the ones that you itemized) are about HIM

1. I'm mad because YOU didn't apologize
2. YOU seemed like you needed space
3. let me know when YOU are going to treat me like a human again.

If you really feel the need to have a response ready, how could you make that response about K ONLY?


But you know what? My true advice is to dust off the "as if" hat and just move on. I think one of your goals is to create more positive opportunities for the two of you to spend time together, right?

What could you do to get you closer to your goal?

Sage