Update: I had a nice weekend. No breakthroughs of any kind. We spent time together with the kids and went out of lunch on Sunday with some friend of his. During the conversation, he kept talking about "us", how I would quit working if what they plan to do works out, how I would be responsible for this and that...
Funny, we dont focus on the kids when we talk. Not as we used to. Something has shifted in that area. THIS is between us now. Seems we both are aware of it now and the kids are no longer "used" as an excuse. Also, he sounds so confident and happy when he talks about "his wife" as if he is no longer involved in a shameful situation, you know?
I am having a hard time. Really need to practice thought stopping and commit to myself that I will go thru this. I feel like I have one foot in one out and depending on my inner thoughts and feelings that change all the time, I want to run or want to stay and fight.
He has been nice and a bit more tender. Dont think of something much but for him, it's progress I have to aknowledge. On Sat night we were out with the kids and we got home late and he stayed over. We slept touching and hugging (not sexually, I am ways away from THAT). But after we put the kids to bed, I had to fight my resrevations and spoke my mind. I dont want this to be a "silent" decision. I told him that unless he does what I asked him for, I am only testing the waters and my ability to cope with the constant stressful thoughts I am having.
He said he knows and he will do it as I asked him to, before the end of this week (he left and will be back tomorrow night).
Sometimes I ... forget. When we laugh and talk normally, for seconds only, but then I feel I SHOULDNT forget. I feel should ALWAYS have it on my mind and be on guard ready for him to f@ck up. I feel I am not supposed to, I am not allowed to relax, even when something simple takes place. Sometimes I catch myself making all sorts of weird connections of the moment I live in with his secret past. I am not worried. I know this is a phase but nevertheless, it is stressful.
I know I cant live under seige. With a threat hanging over my shoulder. And to me, this woman, until he proves himself and his resolution, is a constant threat. I am still very much -more so I should say- determined that unless my "requirements" are met, I am gone. Even after feeling more open towards him and seeing some light at the end of this tunnel. It doenst matter. I am not bending at all. And my fear of sometimes rocking the seemingly quiet sea, is not a match for my desire for an honest relationship. It is not the same process for me. But it makes me feel proud of myself. I am not afraid of throwing it all away if something so important cant/wont be met.
The "something" is what I asked about her and most importantly, a change of attitude that I explained and he understands. I no longer want him to promise me empty promises, I want something deeper. A committment to his own self. Suprisingly, he understands what I am talking about. K
