Who is this person?

[Butterfly1]

Here's an idea - take it with a grain of salt if it doesn't fit. Perhaps it would be better if you could talk to your H = about schedules, payments for horse boarding, etc - so that it's not dealt with through the kids - and the kids know that mom and dad are at least talking about that stuff, and it's not all bad. D may need to defend you more if she thinks you and H aren't in communication at all?

[Day by Day]

Maybe Hope. I think H was manipulating D with his comment about her horse, but who knows if he will stop paying and not tell me--he's so unpredicatable. The pick up/drop off times are dealt through them but they need to know that info anyway. The kids have said they have to walk on eggshells around him and have to show him "respect" or there will be he11 to pay. Respect is a big deal with him now. I was dealing with that with words of affirmation. I've told the kids they have to respect their dad even if they feel he's being a jerk. I see it as he's feeling out of control.

I understand that NC is not to get a reaction out of H. I feel since I just started with NC, I won't be getting the full effect for myself. I'm not feeling angry or hurt with NC. I have my focus on myself. I need for the C to take more effect, my attitude to change, and the GAL & 180s to become more me. It's clicking that DB is all about changing ME.

Eventually I would like for us to start communication again, but I'm waiting for H's anger to dissipate. He needs his space to miss me and figure things out... that's what I'm giving him and not like it's punishment either. I pray for him everyday too. Great how my praying for him helps me feel better.

I will again today make sure I leave the house before he arrives and come home after he leaves. I'm not doing it out of anger. I'll know he wants to see me if he stays longer than expected or tries to get to the house before I leave.

Oh, and he told the kids he's not running as much anymore. He isn't doing the Marine Corps marathon this wknd because his MBA program is the same wknd. He is only going to train for a marathon in January. Whatever. I'm not going to mindread.

[Butterfly1]

My H has the same issue with commanding respect from S since he left = I also believe it is because he feels out of control. He wants more and more to control us and be the authority and give orders. From my readings, I assume it's a way for a man not to feel vulnerable, but I see it as just plain mean. I'm in the same boat you are though, that I have to encourage my S to give his father respect, so S is not in the middle. It just hurts when I feel H is too hard on him. It kills me.

[Day by Day]

I agree... it was killing me when I received D's TM, but I thought about what would happen if I called her, TM'd her back or made contact w H. It would make things worse! I only heard D's side anyhow. I'm detaching. He could have been trying to push my buttons through her too. It's mean of him to do that and he's damaging his R with the kids this way.

They don't want to see him today. I'm sad that feel this way towards him. They feel he's inconveniencing them with the visitation schedule. I guess this is where he's feeling disrespected but they are hurt and don't respect what he's doing.

[Day by Day]

Journaling...

I'm trying so hard not to backslide. I started on NC and need to stick to whatever I decide and be consistent. But, the comments from D about H talking about me not going to C has me feeling weak. I'm trying to focus on his actions. And I don't see him initiating contact. He did send me a TM before coming over to see the kids. Said, "Hello W, unless I hear otherwise I'll come over at 6:30 to visit kids. Regards, H". I didn't need to change the time, so I had nothing to respond. He structured it in a way for me to stay NC. He left earlier than he had to.

Ugh. Well, he obviously has noted that I'm in NC mode. No... no mindreading. My decision not to go to the joint session and go straight to NC is weighing on me. H is barely in contact with me anyway. I just don't see a way for this to improve. My NC is helping me to not get hurt, but I feel like I'm running away. I'm glad I'm going to IC tomorrow. I'm feeling a little anxious.

[Day by Day]

Hard to take my own advice. On someone else's thread I say we'll get through it day by day or hour by hour, but it's so hard. I know part of my prob is that I'm not sleeping much lately and that's due to H visiting the kids the past two days. S got a strong stomach ache and both kids get moody. I understand them, it's just an upheaval in the atmosphere because they see him again. Then I get sensitive because of lack of sleep and forgetting to take my ADs.

My bailing on the joint session (I won't call it MC because that's not H's intent) is gnawing on me now since D told me. Getting through this 3rd week of NC is painful. I know I'm not to look for a reaction from him, but for him to not even care boggles my mind. I really should avoid hearing anything from the kids about what he says. I'm all confused and wondering whether to try the C again esp since he mentioned it. But I would like to hear him suggest it. Then I'd feel we'd get somewhere.

IC counseling in the morning. I feel like quitting, to stop reading the self help books, etc. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Ugh, it almost is tomorrow.

[2B_2_AS_1]

Hey D2D,

Hard to know what really to do or which way to go. I know it was really tough for me to not contact and still struggle with it. My X seems to be unconcerned if I don't call as well. That is what she wanted anyway. But things have improved some recently as she is able to text me, called a few time also. I think people have different threshold levels and maybe your H's is somewhat higher than others.

I would just try to love on your kids. You are kind of communicating (non verbally) through them. It will get better. Hang in there.

[Day by Day]

@2B - Thank you for your support and for stopping by my thread.

Journaling again...
My counseling today was so-so. Guess I have to process the info. I discussed my concerns about appearing to be angry in my actions or responses to H. I'm getting tons of good advice IMHO everywhere and it's flooding me, but I need to absorb it. I'm also coming to accept the logic of DB and how from so many other sources, the ideas are so alike.

Personal growth is so important. The 180s, GAL, getting happy and at peace. Making the changes and seeing if your spouse looks in the mirror and takes responsibility for their needed changes.

I have done a few things that might appear like I'm angry to my H by not responding for several days to his email or making a point not to be around when he comes to get the kids. I have to learn to deal with my fear of the conflict and get some courage! He has me labeled as such an angry person while he is. I need to avoid any appearance of anger because that is what he is basing so much on. How will he know I've changed if he's avoiding me? He just wants to hang on to it and have a "victim" mentality. Silly. I possibly think the NC appears as if I'm angry. If he contacts me, I won't wait so long and try to sound happy and not pursue.

My C gave me a sheet of "effective responses to crazymaking" and she also suggested I read the book "Controlling People". It's not about my controlling my H, but about him not controlling me. Some other things she said about my fear about responding to H's emails or TMs was to find ways to stall to not act from fear and to make choices from info and not from fear.

[Day by Day]

I found out that H moved out of his sister's place and now is renting a house. That just took the wind out of my sails. I'm trying to put a positive spin on it thinking he'll finally see reality of living as a divorce man,but it doesn't help. It just hurts to see him moving on. I know, I know I should be concentrating on my own life. :P This NC is killing me. I have no answers, I have no closure.

[2B_2_AS_1]

My C gave me a sheet of "effective responses to crazymaking"

DbyD,

Are you able to share the effective responses to crazymaking? Hang in there.