Slept with XH, help!!

[fisherman]

He has admitted he took the "easy road" and was very selfish in doing that. Then he just looked at me and said "you need to let me process all this on my own, you telling me all this isn't helping at all!"

Wow....Many many good people who have put in the work have never gotten this. If you fail to listen to this and FOLLOW it, then it's all on you. The same old YOU.

I do have a hard time not thinking about all of it and wondering what I can do next, I am trying to stop. But, my background (college) is in figuring out what makes people tick and what they are thinking, how they are processing it, in order to help them.

Ahhh...still not quite clicking is it?

YOU CAN'T HELP HIM. You are powerless. Admit it.... Accept it, this is key. All you can do is SHOW him a honest to goodness better you.

Let go and let him do this.

So, I cannot help but want to figure out what is inside his head and why.

Good luck with that.....HE doesn't even know for sure....MLC = craziness and confusion remember??

I am doing good, cause like I said it is hard when you are armed with the weapon to destroy their "relationship" which is what you want so badly.

WRONG....You are armed with something that will ROYALLY PISSS HIM OFF, and make you look like a controlling arse in his eyes!!!

[Grace_O]

Ok, he should have turned to you to get his needs met. Feel better? Vindicated? Does it hurt any less? Let it go. Woulda, coulda, shoulda, it wasn’t. Perhaps he feels he was letting you know in his way and that you didn’t care enough. His feelings are just as valid.

He also has said that he didn't give our marriage the time and effort it needed because he was still seeing her and he didn't see (at the time) it getting any better between us. He has admitted he took the "easy road" and was very selfish in doing that.

It sounds like you are more interested in being seen as taking the high moral ground and being right, playing the victim. How does that serve you…really. You say your background is in what makes people tick, so, what’s your payoff?


Patience is a virtue. That it hasn’t been a strength up until now doesn’t mean it can’t be.

it is hard when you are armed with the weapon to destroy their "relationship"

Sometimes weapons backfire. LEAVE IT ALONE. Don’t mention it again to him and find a way to stop thinking it. What we focus on is where we put our energy and you don’t want you’re energy on this.

[fisherman]

Anything that happens from this point forward must be new.

Let go of the past.

When you meet someone new do you try to "reason" your way to a friendship?

My guess is no. My guess is that it develops naturally over time. They are drawn or attracted to you in a way, yes??

Stop clinging and start attracting.

[cat04]

Anything that happens from this point forward must be new.

Let go of the past.

When you meet someone new do you try to "reason" your way to a friendship?

Trapt,

Could not have been any better said.

((((((((Hugs)))))))))

[Jack_Three_Beans]

She is tired of me messing with her life?? How can she say that with a straight face, she messed with my life to no end for 2 years till she got my husband!!

We fear in others what we hate in ourself.

Know this about your enemy, and keep it to yourself.

[Augtan]

I feel so blessed that so many of you care enough to respond to my cry for help. Thank you so much!!

I have no plans of using the fact that we slept together against either one of them. I plan to never bring it up again to XH, and he knows me and knows how huge it is for me to not say anything. When and if he snaps out of this MLC, he will remember all this. I am doing it for me too though, I don't want or need the drama it would cause, I don't want to be that person and even if we don't get back together, I will know that I did what I did for all the right reasons, and that makes me feel better about me. The person I was before would have never kept this to herself, and would have caused drama.

I know I will never understand what he has done and why, there is no why! My head knows this but with all he has done it still hurts my heart and I want to know how someone can think doing all he has done is acceptable. But, I now realize that due to his MLC he has no idea why he did it and cannot see how awful it is and how unacceptable what he did is in everyone else's mind. But, to wrap your mind around how this happens is hard to do, cause with the way the mind works we may never know why these MLC's happen. I do agree that the worse the childhood the worse the MLC, XH had a terrible childhood, I think I talked about it before. So, I guess I should have expected this?? I never knew anything about MLC until he started his.

What I want to know too, is am I too late? I have made so many mistakes with DBing, I just don't know if it has gone to far and it will never work no matter what. Again, I guess you never really know, but is there anything written on if there is a point where it is never going to work, that you screwed it up to many times, and there is no hope at all? If you do everything wrong because you didn't even know this all existed, is it too late to do it and have it work? I did it some, but not fully and I made many, many mistakes while I was trying to implement DBing. I cried, begged, pleaded, talked about the R, I did it all wrong till I found the books, I did it a lot less once I read DB. Just wondering if anyone has any insight on that?

A

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Until one of you is dead it is not too late.

I'm not going to tell you to give up...which seems to be maybe what you're looking for.

Do what you do for yourself and for you. If you feel you have done enough then you have, if you feel you should go farther then you should.

But there is no formula for figuring out if you have made too many mistakes.

If you're both alive there is a chance.
If you can forgive you can do this. If not...no, unless your spouse is a masochist.
If you can be patience...it certainly helps.
If you can STFU it helps alot.

[Augtan]

Thanks Jack three beans!! No, actually I was looking for hope that it wasn't too late, so worried it was, but now have hope again that it isn't.

I don't think I will give up until he marries her, if that happens I really think it is too late.

I am going to do all of this, and see what happens. I think I have an advantage since I moved the kids away, he misses them and when he snaps out of this he will want to be with them forsure. While he is in this MLC he has been putting the OW above everything and everyone else even our kids!! But, he claims he crys for them each day, so we will see, I am just goint to STFU, be patient, and show forgivness which I can and will do!! Thanks so much for the boost, I needed to hear it isn't too late after all I have done wrong.

A

[Grace_O]

Augtan,

Just remember, if and when you blow it again, that doesn't have to be the deal breaker either. When I do something I'm working on changing, I say something along the lines of "I'm working on that" with a playful smile and/or a wink. If it needs an apology, I do that. Don't get into the habit of apologizing for everything. It's anoying.

HUGS

[Kimmie Lee]

Yeah, I guess it came off as "harsh" and I guess it would help to be honest about what you want.

You go to his hotel....you have sex....he resisted some.....so that means you were the aggressor...and you don't want him back for you, you're just doing this "for the kids"...

That's quite a sacrifice for the kids' sake.