I'm thinking that noone is writing me b/c I have been doing well. Well, it's about the 9 day mark and I'm starting to freak out some. I went to my friend's to watch a movie. When I got home, H was gone w/o a note or message as to where he was going. This is not uncommon, and I can safely assume he's w/himself or a few diff. friends. I realize that if I were to ask him to let me know where he was going, it would push him farther away, so biting my tongue on that one. (& he does carry his cell phone).
I took a bath and finished a novel, went to sleep. Wake up at 1:45 with my heart beating really fast. Guess he came in the house and woke me up. He climbed on me to kiss me a couple times which i think is sweet, but I know i felt insecure/panicky and wonder if i sounded that way. he went out to the liv. room to read. He came back to bed, I was freezing so I asked him to hold me. Eventually i got up, and turned the heat on and put on some sox. He falls asleep quickly, i lay there in angst. I must be ok with him going out. He and his friend went and got mexican for dinner than went to 2 diff. bars to play pool. So, I'm somewhat jealous-he hasn't had the energy to do anything like this with me for the past week, and when we go out we don't stay out that late, blah blah blah. (he also is off on tues & wed.)
so i fall asleep. Wake up later than normal b/c my tests aren't until 8:45 and it's closer to the hosp. than to work. My head hurt the moment I woke up. I start to stress about the tests. I haven't been able to take Ativan for the last 48 hours in order to prep for the test. So, out of frustration, I start to cry. I go get ready and come back in bedroom looking for a hug, but since H knew I was crying already, he became a popsicle for fear i may blindside him. I laid on his chest, he didn't put his arm around me, i back off, i say, "I came in for a hug and you're not even looking at me or hugging me back. Did I scare you?" He says, "I guess." so I tell him what's going on. How I'm trying to be patient, sick of this, etc. He softens a little and rubs my arm a little. Then I have to leave and ask him to feed the dogs. (they're my dogs-he doesn't have much to do with them and they live outside.), so he says sure, and i say thanks and good-bye and leave.
I felt somewhat angry b/c I wish I could get some empathy from him, but alas, i am not supposed to be expecting for stuff from him and hardly ask for anything. I've been trying to "take care of myself." But, I also have to understand how he feels when I am already crying and did not give him a 2 sentence synopsis of what is goign on with me/ask for a hug, cry a couple tears, and move on. well...
don't know what's going on tonight. I'm wondering if he will call and ask how it went. Another irk right now. He only occassionally asks specifically how my head is, and never calls me anymore. Give me the 2x4 please: Patience and discipline...
