On the DB'ing Wagon!

[KutieKat]

hey no problem...but i think we may be married to the same man. the only SPORTS my hubby is into is nascar. and that to me isn't really a sport at all, just testosterone induce car riding! LOL

is your husband a songwriter? mine is, and a producer. he produced a number of cd's for some groups in the southeast over the years of 98-01 - he really hated the scene so he got out of it

but just as a side note, someone from his past was requested by sony distribution recently for new talent, and my hubby is in charlotte this weekend meeting with these people with his music of his own and stuff he has produced

so who knows what the future holds on that end

kitti

[karen812]

Well, that's cool about his meeting. I hope it goes well.

No, my h does not write or produce. He just plays. He sings a few songs but doesn't like to. He does not have a real powerful voice, very quiet which I like. He's only really yelled at me a handful of times and that was after some serious provocation.

[KutieKat]

hey thanks

and thanks to for the explanation...make sure you have a wonderful day!

kitti

[karen812]

Hi All,
How are you? I'm doing pretty well. H and I had a good weekend, but he is still sick. We went out to eat and watched movies. Sat. I worked for a few hours and Sunday I went to my mom's to see my nephews. I planned on cooking dinner later. H left a message on my cell phone, but I ended up calling him before listening to the message. He said he was going to have a couple beers w/his friend and that he would be home around 7/7:30. First I reacted, and said, "I'm on my way home..." but then I decided I needed to get that in check right away! (Mom only lives 1 mile away.) So, I got home and said hello and good-bye, and I was enthusiastic and told him to have a good time. Then I decided to go to church.

I was really glad I went. I saw a couple friends and the worship and praise felt really good. I went home and got back right after h. He asked where I went, and he acted surprised. He asked why i hadn't gone on other sundays. I kinda stammered and joked and said, what does it matter? & he said he wasn't trying to give me a hard time. Well, truth be told, I haven't been going b/c it's the only day H & I both have off so I usually spend the day w/him. (but I could have gone at noon when he was racing cars...excuses, excuses.) The eve. worship is contemporary which I prefer. We've been bike riding on Sundays.

More truth be told, I just haven't had the ba!!s to go somewhere w/o H when I could be spending time with him. **sigh** I'm trying to break this habit!! Made plans for tonight and so he asked if he needed to fend for himself for dinner. I said yes unless he wants to wait until 9:30. I also made plans for Wed., but haven't told him yet. These are the TWO whole days that I usually cook. but, if he doesn't make plans for tues. night, then I will cook dinner.


I was patient and joked around w/H a lot which WORKS!! He hasn't been as affectionate as I would like, but we did ML on Sunday, and this morn. so...i'm sure it will help when he feels better physically and things go better for us for a while emotionally.

I'm going for my ENG and audiogram tomorrow. I know it's going to be a long morning. I'm anxious about it. I mean, I'll be glad to find out what is wrong and hope for solutions, but I just hope it isn't anything serious! Oh, I just got a call and have to get ANOTHER test done-an MRV???

ttys!

[karen812]

I'm thinking that noone is writing me b/c I have been doing well. Well, it's about the 9 day mark and I'm starting to freak out some. I went to my friend's to watch a movie. When I got home, H was gone w/o a note or message as to where he was going. This is not uncommon, and I can safely assume he's w/himself or a few diff. friends. I realize that if I were to ask him to let me know where he was going, it would push him farther away, so biting my tongue on that one. (& he does carry his cell phone).

I took a bath and finished a novel, went to sleep. Wake up at 1:45 with my heart beating really fast. Guess he came in the house and woke me up. He climbed on me to kiss me a couple times which i think is sweet, but I know i felt insecure/panicky and wonder if i sounded that way. he went out to the liv. room to read. He came back to bed, I was freezing so I asked him to hold me. Eventually i got up, and turned the heat on and put on some sox. He falls asleep quickly, i lay there in angst. I must be ok with him going out. He and his friend went and got mexican for dinner than went to 2 diff. bars to play pool. So, I'm somewhat jealous-he hasn't had the energy to do anything like this with me for the past week, and when we go out we don't stay out that late, blah blah blah. (he also is off on tues & wed.)

so i fall asleep. Wake up later than normal b/c my tests aren't until 8:45 and it's closer to the hosp. than to work. My head hurt the moment I woke up. I start to stress about the tests. I haven't been able to take Ativan for the last 48 hours in order to prep for the test. So, out of frustration, I start to cry. I go get ready and come back in bedroom looking for a hug, but since H knew I was crying already, he became a popsicle for fear i may blindside him. I laid on his chest, he didn't put his arm around me, i back off, i say, "I came in for a hug and you're not even looking at me or hugging me back. Did I scare you?" He says, "I guess." so I tell him what's going on. How I'm trying to be patient, sick of this, etc. He softens a little and rubs my arm a little. Then I have to leave and ask him to feed the dogs. (they're my dogs-he doesn't have much to do with them and they live outside.), so he says sure, and i say thanks and good-bye and leave.

I felt somewhat angry b/c I wish I could get some empathy from him, but alas, i am not supposed to be expecting for stuff from him and hardly ask for anything. I've been trying to "take care of myself." But, I also have to understand how he feels when I am already crying and did not give him a 2 sentence synopsis of what is goign on with me/ask for a hug, cry a couple tears, and move on. well...

don't know what's going on tonight. I'm wondering if he will call and ask how it went. Another irk right now. He only occassionally asks specifically how my head is, and never calls me anymore. Give me the 2x4 please: Patience and discipline...

someone write me!

[optimist]

Sorry k, I have not been posting much because I have been very busy and suddenly I felt absolutely drained of energy. I did not have the strength to even type. But you can give yourself the 2 x 4 with no problems... Patience, girl, patience.

I think T2 and Pam had been looking for the magic formula for that. If the Powerpuff Girls are 'sugar, spice and everything nice' plus an accidental sprinkling of Ingredient X, what do you need to make the Patient Dbing Girls?

[karen812]

Hi Optimist,
Glad that you are feeling better. I'm ready to crawl into bed...I'm drained from my head hurting and taking those tests. MRV on Thursday. RESULTS next Tuesday! Pray to God that they find out what is wrong and that it is curable and nothing serious!! I've been taking about 8-10 Advil/Advil Sinus tabs a day.

ok, ingredient X for me would be Independence/courage/strength.

H did call me a little while ago and ask how the tests went. I apologized for scaring him this morn. He asked what was going on for dinner. I asked him if he made plans like it was nbd. Told him I was working late b/c we are very busy today and I missed 4 hours of work and that I would call him in a little while for an update.

[sage]

Hi K,

thanks for stopping by my thread!

Sounds to me like you have a really good handle on what's up with you and your m. It's good that you realize that your insecurities are leading you to act in ways that aren't strengthening what you have. I can relate...I know what it's like to really feel as though you NEED some feedback/affection/whatever from h. Problem is, of course, that that clingy, needy persona just drives them away, right?

So...You've read DB or DR, right?

Do you have any specific (action oriented) goals?

How about 2 or 3 180s?

I'd like to recommend the book "men are from mars" to you if you haven't already read it.

My 2 cents? You seem to have a TERRIFIC understanding of what works and what doesn't. The key for you (you know this) will be to push thru some of your scary times and DO WHAT WORKS even when you want to cling or ask for reassurance or panic. If you build up a bunch of those times...you'll find it gets easier and easier.

Congratulations on facing your issues head on!

Sage

[karen812]

Hi Sage,
Thank you for coming over!

Yes, being clingy definitely drives them away. Can you blame them?? No... I really have to keep myself in check. The biggest thing is keeping my mouth shut when I feel that way-that's the biggest and hardest 180. Another 180 is backing off and not being clingy/initiating sex ALL the time. Another is to not freak out when he is out with his friends. Another is to feel good about myself and act confident. And to be independent-being able to do my own thing w/my friends on my time too rather than wait around for when H is home/working around his schedule.

My goals are written down from a convo. with Laurie. I'll have to write those in here.

As you know, Sage, the toughest part. is NOT asking for reassurance when we want it. And for me NOT expressing every hurt/anxious/fearful feeling that I have. Well, and STOPPING my tears b/c they are so automatic!!

So if we know what WORKS, why is it so hard to DO??? Why is it so hard to QUIT doing what DOESN't work???

And my poor H has had to listen to me for going on about 4 years saying that I was going to change all of this stuff. Well, I am hoping that being here w/you all will help me change FOR REAL!! It helps me more to be here and reading the books than talking with my C. (another story.) The first book I read was "Getting Through to the Man You Love." I've also read DB and have DR but lent it out. A lot of the same principals.

K

[sage]

So if we know what WORKS, why is it so hard to DO??? Why is it so hard to QUIT doing what DOESN't work???

A thousand reasons, no?
Because it's a habit. Because we think it SHOULD work. Because we're afraid. Because we're human. etc

I've definitely found that stringing together a bunch of "hey, I did it!" moments really makes a big difference as something to fall back upon.

It helps me more to be here and reading the books than talking with my C. (another story.) The first book I read was "Getting Through to the Man You Love." I've also read DB and have DR but lent it out. A lot of the same principals.

Let me caution you about one thing...self help books can themselves become an anxiety producing enterprise...the "I know I can fix myself" feeling. I'm quite familiar with it!

It was an issue with h that I was so interested/ardent about reading R. books, etc. He felt that it was yet another sign that I would "never be happy".

so...I'd say go for the changes with gusto but remember:

You're aok the way you are!
Everything you need is inside of you!

In other words...be gentle with yourself...don't trade an external need for positive reinforcement to a "beating up on myself" habit either.

ACTION will help with that.

Sage