Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[etrain]

Thanks GH & PDT. I actually think W is in such a good mood because she's finally getting out, which is what she wanted. My current frustrations are the following:

- To this day, W hasn't given any reasons for her unhappiness...no details...just not happy.
- W chose to have an A, rather than work on our M.
- When W moves out, I'll basically be paying her rent for her w/ the child support payments. Even though I'll have our S 1/2 the time, I make more $$ so I'll have to pay her support.
So she gives up on our M, has an A, and I have to pay her for it.
Wonderful.

My main focus right now is my S. We need to come up w/ a way to explain this to him & it's not going to be easy. Also, I need to get my finances in order so I can afford to stay in the house on my salary alone.

[Steve McQueen]

When W moves out, I'll basically be paying her rent for her w/ the child support payments. Even though I'll have our S 1/2 the time, I make more $$ so I'll have to pay her support.
So she gives up on our M, has an A, and I have to pay her for it.
Wonderful.

consult an attorney before you sign anything.

In fact, if she is showing no remorse, moving out and giving up on the marriage, YOU should be proactive in protecting yourself financially and legally in regards to your rights with your children.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So she gives up on our M, has an A, and I have to pay her for it.
Wonderful.

Welcome to Family Law, American Style, at least in about 35-40 states for the man. I know -- it sucks. Adultery is a tortious act (breaking of a contract) and ought to be actionable as such, in my opinion. Yet not only is it NOT, in these "no-fault" world of ours, but -- like you said -- many times the cheater ends up getting COMPENSATED for their cheating.

And yes, I've grown kind of cynical.

Puppy

[etrain]

As W was getting ready to sleep on our inflatable mattress in our computer room for the first time last night, she actually expressed some emotions to me....first time I've seen that since "the bomb."

We discussed our S and how we need to tell him what's going on. Then W said she never intended on things happening this way...she was crying. W asked how I was doing. I tried to keep my words to a minimum & said "about the same". Then W asked me if I hated her. I paused & said my emotions have ranged from sadness to disappointment to anger & everything in between.
It was the first time I've seen her express any signs of "remorse", if that's the right word...and the first time she's shown any interest in how I felt. W was visibly upset & crying during most of the convo, while I tried to remain calm.
Maybe the reality of sleeping in the other room by herself finally hit her.
This morning, she asked me how I slept. I again said, "about the same, how about you?" W said she didn't sleep well either.

I'm not sure if W's display of emotions means anything. Just thought I'd mention it.

[dday101798]

As W was getting ready to sleep on our inflatable mattress in our computer room for the first time last night, she actually expressed some emotions to me....first time I've seen that since "the bomb."

We discussed our S and how we need to tell him what's going on. Then W said she never intended on things happening this way...she was crying. W asked how I was doing. I tried to keep my words to a minimum & said "about the same". Then W asked me if I hated her. I paused & said my emotions have ranged from sadness to disappointment to anger & everything in between.
It was the first time I've seen her express any signs of "remorse", if that's the right word...and the first time she's shown any interest in how I felt. W was visibly upset & crying during most of the convo, while I tried to remain calm.
Maybe the reality of sleeping in the other room by herself finally hit her.
This morning, she asked me how I slept. I again said, "about the same, how about you?" W said she didn't sleep well either.

I'm not sure if W's display of emotions means anything. Just thought I'd mention it.

And this is why you need to decide what direction you're going in? Just th other day, you say you give up. Now that you've seen this, are you sure taht's the the right move? I don't think so. I think based on your posts here, yeah, your W is all excited to get out on her own and all that jazz. But I really think she'll end up being one of those that after a couple of months of that new found 'freedom', she'll really be second guessing EVERYTHING. So, I'd start to take some time to really contemplate what it is you want to do here, becuase once she's out that door, it takes but one false move to blow any chance of saving your M.

You've done well so far, but to me it sounds like you're not so sure what you want.

I would have been a little more closed off on how I was feeling tho.

[dburt]

I am starting to feel you are turning the corner etrain, sounds to me she is starting to have some buyers remorse. Stay strong, be a leader, do fun things...

Burt

[etrain]

And this is why you need to decide what direction you're going in? Just th other day, you say you give up. Now that you've seen this, are you sure taht's the the right move? I don't think so. I think based on your posts here, yeah, your W is all excited to get out on her own and all that jazz. But I really think she'll end up being one of those that after a couple of months of that new found 'freedom', she'll really be second guessing EVERYTHING. So, I'd start to take some time to really contemplate what it is you want to do here, becuase once she's out that door, it takes but one false move to blow any chance of saving your M.

You've done well so far, but to me it sounds like you're not so sure what you want.

I would have been a little more closed off on how I was feeling tho.

You're right. I'm not sure what I want. She has been my world for 12 years & it's going to take more than a month or two for me to detach. Maybe some time living apart will help me (or force me to) figure that out. I want my "old" W back...but I know know if that's even possible.
If there's any chance of reconciliation at this point, I think it would have to come from her & she would have to be 100% committed. In the meantime, I need to GAL & get myself together in preparation for D. Easier said than done.

Perhaps she had a moment of weakness last night since it was our first night sleeping in seperate beds. A "pep talk" from the OM or one of her "girlfriends" could transform her back into the woman I've seen for the past few weeks...the one that is convinced we never had love in the first place & just wants to get out of the M.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

E,

From now on, when she asks you how you're doing, say something like "Considering all that's happened, I'm actually doing OK," or "I'm doing surprisingly well, thanks." Or "It's been hard, but I do really feel like I'm growing, and am strangely excited about my future possibilities." Although it feels good, you DON'T want to convey anything that elicits SYMPATHY from her.

I do think your wife is in one of the early stages of remorse, but there are several stages. They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc."

I think she's beginning the 2nd phase, but it's still all about HER at this point. That's okay -- it's a natural progression, and she has to go thru it.

Puppy

[etrain]

Yeah, I chould've been more positive when she asked me how I was doing. But she sees me running to the bathroom in the middle of the night sick to my stomach, just about every night...so I think she knows how I'm feeling.

I was actually very calm & straightforward during our discussion & made sure I wasn't putting out any bad vibes. Pathetic & desperate aren't attractive...so I made sure I wasn't acting that way.
W was very emotional. I was very nonchalant.

It's hard but I'm trying to look at the bright side of things. I'll be able to decorate the house MY way...and I'll actually be able to park in our garage this winter. It's a 1-car & she always parked there while I was stuck in the driveway, clearing snow or ice off my car every morning.

[dday101798]

e,

Just remember as I had to scour through the boards here this morning to remind myself, DB'ing is about YOU, not your M, not your W, YOU.

Definately, use the time seperated to screw your head back on straight. Once she's out, I strongly recommend one thing that really helped me out and I wish I had done the moment the door closed behind my XW: "de-wife" the house. She opted to leave it, make it yours. If you simply make it appear that you are ready to carry on with life "as-if", in time you will find yourself in that mindset.

I can't tell how many personal set-backs there will be. Just know they will be there and try and establish a plan of action to overcome them.

Puppy hit it spot on, there are so many different phases of remorse and each and every one of them are different. Some intertwine with others, while some contradict others and will do nothing but drive you to the cookoo's nest if try and take in every word as the gospel.

One can NEVER prepare for D. There's a few folks here and there on some of the boards carrying a "o-well if it ends that way attitude, I've got myself covered", but I'll guarentee you, if and when that day comes for them, they'll be crying so hard it's like they shot "Old Yeller' themselves.

What you can do, is the whole purpose, become a better YOU. It's an adage in any situation, the more you're comfortable with yourself, the more others will be comfortable with you.