I need to finish reading DB and DR, but wanted to get my story started because I have what seems to be a unique situation and was looking for advice.
My wife dropped the bomb on me right before her 33rd birthday (08/25). We had a followup conversation a few days later, on our anniversary (08/28).
After that, I spiraled into a major depressive episode, and made a real mess of things for the next few weeks. If it was a mistake, I made it -- pleading with her to stay, emails and text messages, turning to friends and family to "help", and a date to try to rekindle things that was a disaster.
I am convinced that she is having an emotional affair with someone from out-of-state that she met online. We both play World of Warcraft (although I stopped playing when the bomb was dropped) and she has a circle of a friends that I don't know much about.
I found text msgs on her phone, I've found emails, and I've even caught them flirting online. She has told me that it is harmless and that he's just a huge flirt, and that she is not in love with him -- although she conceded that he has a crush on her! The OM came out to visit a few weeks ago (after the bomb was dropped; I asked her to tell him not to come, but he came out anyway) and I have no idea if they got together physically but there's nothing I can do about it now. (She said they did not.)
They are in frequent contact; I can see from the phone bill that she talks to him during her day at work, and she has gone to bed and spent an hour texting back and forth. We still live in the same house, but are sleeping apart; she moved into the spare bedroom after I left for a few days and stayed with a friend, to try to clear my head.
I started doing The Love Dare on the advice of someone from church with some positive responses. I came across this site last week, bought both DB and DR, and was starting to put things into practice (GAL, 180s, etc.) when a different kind of bomb was dropped.
Friday morning at 3 AM my wife asked me to take her to the ER. She had stayed home from work on Thursday because of stomach/intestinal upset, but she woke up at 3 and couldn't take it any more -- she had a burning pain on one side of her abdomen.
Turns out that she had an ovarian cyst that was twisting on one of her ovaries. They took her into surgery that day and removed the cyst; unfortunately, they had to take the ovary as well. We spent the weekend together at the hospital and were able to reconnect a bit; she thanked me twice for being a friend to her in all of this, and she even held hands a couple of times.
She'll be home for at least two weeks recuperating. Her mom is flying in today to help around the house, as I can't take two weeks off from work. (No MIL cracks here, I think her mom is great!) She actually offered to come back to bed with me while she recovers; the spare bed will not be good for her while she has limited mobility. Because she doesn't want her mom to know about the OM ("she wouldn't understand"), I suspect he will be limited to more tame conversations and the late-night texting will come to an end for a while.
So my question is, how much DBing do I do right now? I can still work on GAL and 180s (I'm working on changing my style of dressing, looking at taking some self-defense classes, and spending more time with friends) but one of her biggest complaints is that I have not been there for her when she needed me emotionally, and this weekend went a long way towards fixing that; so I'm not sure if detaching is a good idea.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I would continue to DB, treating her as one would treat a roommate or a cousin who is recuperating and in your care.
I would NOT, however, recommend "The Love Dare" approach. It is very anti-DB/DR in that it is basically a textbook for "pursuing," which doesn't work. It's best utilized (if at all) but a couple who are BOTH in reconciliation, ready and willing to work on their marriage, without a third person involved.
I think you should consider exposing her affair to her mother, once your wife has recuperated, if you think she would be supportive of your marriage.
* I have already told her mother about the EA, as well as a couple of other close friends; part of my misguided attempts to pursue. None of them have talked to her about it -- my wife would flip if she knew I told her mom! -- but her mother will certainly be keeping a watchful eye out while she is here. * Her mother is definitely supportive of the marriage. She saw warning signs before either of us did; I wish she'd told us then! * I have put the Love Dare approach on hold, if for no other reason than some of the coming "dares" would be impossible to complete with her in recovery.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Regardless of how one feels about exposure (and it is controversial), it doesn't have anything to do, really, with "pursuit." Exposing isn't pursuing, and shouldn't be done for any reason other than trying to exert pressure, to end the affair quicker, and thereby try to save your marriage.
My wife is also very ill now - and has been quite often in the past. I was rarely "there for her" over the years when she went through one medical crisis after another - severe arhtriits, brain tumor, gall bladder removal, onstart of cervical cancer which required hysterectomy.
So..now I make sure I am a great caregiver - as I would be with a friend, as suggested earlier. You can be very helpful and supportive without pursuing. Do everything because your wife needs your help without expecting anything in return. Try not to think of this as a time to be her hero and therefore save your marriage.
This is a time to be a good man and do what a good man does in a difficult situation. Regardless of the outcome of your marriage, you will be with you forever. Time to start having every reason to be proud of you.
That's been my goal since I took her to the ER; let the relationship stuff settle for a while, and take care of her until she's better.
The only time our relationship has come up at all was when she first thanked me for being her friend through all of this. I tried to point out that I was trying to be there for her like she's wanted me to be, but that didn't go anywhere.
The second time she thanked me, I just said "you're welcome" and made an excuse to leave the room before she could see me start to tear up.
The OM sent her flowers; they're currently sitting next to her on the desk. (Her other flowers, including mine, are placed all around the room. She moved those because she "wanted some color".)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
You can detach and still take care of her. Detach means that what she does doesn't control your emotions. It doesn't mean you don't care, or help. Sometimes it is a fine line, I think you are working towards finding the balance.
Worrying about where the flowers are is an example of not detaching.
Good point. I just found this post which gives a good explanation of detaching.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
* I have already told her mother about the EA, as well as a couple of other close friends; part of my misguided attempts to pursue. None of them have talked to her about it -- my wife would flip if she knew I told her mom! -- but her mother will certainly be keeping a watchful eye out while she is here. * Her mother is definitely supportive of the marriage. She saw warning signs before either of us did; I wish she'd told us then! * I have put the Love Dare approach on hold, if for no other reason than some of the coming "dares" would be impossible to complete with her in recovery.
LOL!
Do you see what your role in all of this has been reduced to? You are helping her maintain her secret affair - that is ridiculous!
She is having an affair with another man and you are helping her keep her secret for fear that she will flip out?!
Are you serious?
Did I just read this correctly?
Here is some basic info on affairs: - the excitement derived from said affairs only exists due to it's secrecy, once it's out in the open, alot of the excitement will vanish.
Expose it!
She has no right or expectation to trust you with this secret. You had a right to trust her not to have an affair, when she crossed that boundary, she destroyed your trust.
Put your foot down, set some boundaries, establish some self-respect and she will respect you and believe me, she will get over you exposing her & her secret, she knows she has no right to expect anything from you anymore - if you continue to go along with this, you might as well offer to videotape them while they're having sex and charge them a reasonable rate for your helpful & trustworthy service.
First 2x4 for you on this.
Your story didn't begin with a twist, pretty much sounds like most every other story on this site, don't kid yourself thinking your situation is unique.
Everything you will do to turn this situation around is counter-intuitive.
Buying her gifts and being nice to her isn't going to fix this, so you can stop now, it's in your best interest to do so.
