Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Lotus]

I'm curious as to what ideas Mrs. Thinker has to improve your situation. We've watched Thinker try many things, and we've seen some improvements and some errors. What if Thinker does nothing? What if this is Mrs. Thinker's problem to solve? What ideas does she have for making things better?

Given the situation as it is: they live in the same house and love the same children. She has no feelings for him and does not choose to have feelings for him. He is not leaving his home; she is not leaving her home. Given this gordian knot, what is her solution?

[Dia]

FWIW, if we're going to use the word 'abuse' for Thinker's arm-grab, then we should also use the word abuse (as in verbal/emotional abuse) for some of Mrs. Thinker's words and actions.

One woman's opinion - in my world, that single incident did not qualify as abuse. Wrong - yes. Out of line - yes. Abuse - no. And while I'm only one woman, I've been in - and left - an abusive relationship.

[gucci loafer]

FWIW, if we're going to use the word 'abuse' for Thinker's arm-grab, then we should also use the word abuse (as in verbal/emotional abuse) for some of Mrs. Thinker's words and actions.

Then that is another good reason for him to take charge her.
He should NOT be taking abuse. He should be telling her and SHOWING her with ACTION...

NO MORE...

[Thinker]

Journaling and reflecting a bit:

Been taking a break and spending time apart the past few days. I went away for a day on Friday night. She went away on Saturday night (as agreed).

We missed the first follow up session for Retrouvaille. We discussed going, but she was hesitant and I wasn't going to force the issues. She didn't come back on Sunday until the follow up session was already over so that decided it.

For now, I am taking my eyes off the R and focusing on my own anger and resentment. This is something that I have to take care of. I spent part of the time this weekend working my way through Stosny's "Love Without Hurt". It's pretty helpful.

As I work through it, I can see a ton of Anger in my W as well. She doesn't admit it, but she is always angry. She was angry last night because I went out and only gave her a vague answer as to where I was going, and she was angry this morning because I asked her where she was going and called her on her vague answer. She got up late and was angry at the kids because they didn't get their socks on fast enough, and then was angry at me because I offered to drive the kids to school for her.

I can see one difference, however. When she is angry, I get defensive. I feel accused. I can sometimes feel inadequate. It's unpleasant, but I NEVER feel scared. Thanks to you people here and to the books for helping me to understand that my anger can be physically frightening to her. Understanding that makes a big difference.

Last night, after dinner I asked her to handle the kids bedtime routine so I could have some time to go out alone. She agreed, so I cleaned up a bit, put on some cologne, and left. Told her I had my phone and to call if she needed anything. I went to Barnes and Noble, sat in the cafe and read "Love without Hurt" - peace and quiet and time to think.

I got an angry call from her a bit after 10pm. "Where Are You! I don't know where you are and you haven't come home and we need to talk and I want to go to bed!"

So I went home. Stopped for a few minutes on my way home to reflect and pray for compassion, then went home.

She lit into me: "You said you wanted to go out and I thought you meant just for a walk or something but you changed your clothes (I didn't - same clothes I was wearing all day), and drenched yourself in cologne and went out like you were going to pick somebody up. That's not right! That's not appropriate behavior for somebody who is supposedly working on his marriage! This vagueness isn't working! I can't sleep when you are out! You can't do that! If you go out you have to tell me where you are going!...."

I nodded and said I understood how she felt. I listened. I didn't think that this was the appropriate time to point out that she was completely the pot calling the kettle black. She is herself very intentionally vague, and never wants to share her plans with me.

And then she cried. I asked her what she was feeling when she cried and she said "Despair!". "All I feel is despair, I can't be happy in this marriage and I can't end it. We never should have gotten married"

"Why can't you end it?"

"Because if I do everything just get's worse"

She asked me to sleep in the guest bedroom , and I said "No, I really don't want to do that". She said "OK, then I will. I'm not feeling proprietary about our bedroom."

So I cleared out the guest bedroom for her.

And she got into bed in our bed in the master.

"I thought you were sleeping in the guest bedroom" I asked. "No, I'm not" she said.

So I got into the master bed with her and went to sleep.


---

Mrs Thinker is really tying herself in emotional knots.

I can see from her family history why she would have problems feeling inadequate and unlovable. Her father traveled a lot and her mother is pretty self centered - demands love but doesn't really give it. Her older brothers and sisters seemed to either ignore her or tease her a lot.

I can also see how my neglecting, stonewalling, and criticizing her during the early years of our marriage could have been really painful and hit right at these same core hurts - feeling unlovable and inadequate.

So she seems to have walled these up and covered them over with anger and resentment.

I wish I could comfort her and help her heal, but unfortunately that's not my role right now. Understanding, however, is helping me to not get resentful.

[Coach]

And then she cried. I asked her what she was feeling when she cried and she said "Despair!". "All I feel is despair, I can't be happy in this marriage and I can't end it. We never should have gotten married"

"Why can't you end it?"

"Because if I do everything just get's worse"

Adversity - Marriage is on the rocks.

Belief- It's a no win situation, despair

Consequence - Helplessness, things will be worse if we divorce

Dispute - (ala Lotus) So what is your solution? How can I help?

Energization - action on plan

Lead right now, she's spinning and needs to be involved in a solution that you are leading on. Retro is your idea and she didn't buy in. Connect with her.

Notice how she slept in the bed when you got mysterious. You didn't get defensive when she tested you.

That's not appropriate behavior for somebody who is supposedly working on his marriage! This vagueness isn't working! I can't sleep when you are out! You can't do that! If you go out you have to tell me where you are going!...."

So ask her, "is that a boundary that you need while we are working on our marriage?" Ask her what vagueness means to her.

Compassion allows you to see her and understand her. Boundaries are healthy for both of you right now. That being said I would still keep a little mystery about you. Can you go out for lunch since you work at home?

Cheers

[Thinker]

So what is your solution? How can I help?

I've been down this path before. More than once. And so far it has been a cheeseless tunnel

Her answer is consistent. "I need some space and separateness. You work from home, so you could work from somewhere else too. You can help by going and living at and work from your parents house for a while? or your brothers? or get yourself assigned to a project that takes you out of town for a couple of months..."

Her solution is always that I go away, but otherwise leave her life untouched.

Addition with edit:
You are right, I could approach it this wey.

Given that we are living together and loving the same children and we can't get divorced and given that I am not moving out, what are your ideas on what we can do to make things better. Let's make a plan.

[Coach]

Her answer is consistent. "I need some space and separateness.

Take it to heart then. Find a way. What do you really need to work - internet connection, phone? Get out of the house, it also is mysterious, shows you are listening and will help you lead.

Take off after lunch today, go work at Starbucks, the library, make it good for you.

[Thinker]

That's not appropriate behavior for somebody who is supposedly working on his marriage! This vagueness isn't working! I can't sleep when you are out! You can't do that! If you go out you have to tell me where you are going!...."

So ask her, "is that a boundary that you need while we are working on our marriage?" Ask her what vagueness means to her.

She definitely wants it as a ONE-WAY boundary. She is clear that she does NOT want to tell me where she is going or when she will be back. If I ask, she will answer, but only with vague answers, and If I call her on it she get's very defensive and fights back like a teenager.

If I give her the exact same answers, however...

[Thinker]

Her answer is consistent. "I need some space and separateness.

Take it to heart then. Find a way. What do you really need to work - internet connection, phone? Get out of the house, it also is mysterious, shows you are listening and will help you lead.

Take off after lunch today, go work at Starbucks, the library, make it good for you.

Point taken,

It's not that easy, however. I spend most of my day collaborating via teleconferences, so I need a high speed internet connection, a hands free phone (cell phone would work) and a quiet workspace with a door that I can close.

Library is out - no phones allowed.

Coffee shops are out - Too loud, no privacy, my talking would disturb everyone else.

I have been thinking along these lines, however. I have been trying to get office space in a nearby branch office. That wouldn't really be mysterious, but it would be separation.

[Coach]

.

You know who that is a picture of?


Cindy Crawford.

If you get too close all you see is the mole. Back up, give your wife space, let her see the whole picture with her own eyes.