Slept with XH, help!!

[Augtan]

I know what all of you are saying is true. I know I need to forget OW. But, I don't care what she did, how she listened, heard what he was saying, was there for him, made his needs important, etc. That is no excuse to have an A!! Period! He should have been letting me do all that and he wasn't, I did all I could to make him see that I was there for him. I was the one there every minute for 21 years!

Anyway, I am going to forget she exists! And, honestly I have been doing a lot of work on myself, but his visit set me back some. I really can't put it all here, cause that would be sooo long: telling what everything was like before and how it all is now. But, I have changed a lot and he has admitted that many times. He also has said that he didn't give our marriage the time and effort it needed because he was still seeing her and he didn't see (at the time) it getting any better between us. He has admitted he took the "easy road" and was very selfish in doing that. Then he just looked at me and said "you need to let me process all this on my own, you telling me all this isn't helping at all!" So, I stopped and we had a great remainder of the visit, hugged for like 5 minutes as he was leaving, and I didn't say a word. I will re-read DB!! I want to do the work, and continue to work on things. I do focus on me and my kids, I am in a DivorceCare support group, I am working very hard on learning about me and what I need to do to get over this and move on, if in the process he "snaps" out of this MLC and we can move on together than that is a bonus.

I do have a hard time not thinking about all of it and wondering what I can do next, I am trying to stop. But, my background (college) is in figuring out what makes people tick and what they are thinking, how they are processing it, in order to help them. So, I cannot help but want to figure out what is inside his head and why. I feel like I should know exactly what to do and how to do it and I don't. I have come to the conclusion that I do want him back and I am going to do DB for me and see what happens, I need patience, patience, patience...it is not my strengh at all. I am trying and I have not talked to him or anything, so I am doing good, cause like I said it is hard when you are armed with the weapon to destroy their "relationship" which is what you want so badly. I will not do it and I will not use that card to get anything I might want from him. I know it will do no good at all!! I keep telling myself that and it is working!

A