Need to really make changes for me (thread #3)

[vickyd]

So, I gotta tell you guys about my weekend of GALing GALing GALing. And the best part is that it was with my H!!!

So H and I drove up to NH to my friend's wedding. And we had such a great time. The drive was about 4-5 hrs each way and normally when H and I do long drives we listen to music and chilled but this time both ways we chatted the whole way and it was gooooood conversations too. We talked about us, family, friends. Everything. As city slickers we thought the place we stayed at was so country, but it was nice to get away from teh city. H even decided that this is our weekend so he turned his phone off and even left it in the room the whole time. From the start of our trip it was nice. We usually drive my car to go out of state but H wanted to drive his. Before we left we bought us breakfast and eve whne I offered to but gas he insisted that he got it. He actually made me feel so special this trip. H was even so nice at the wedding, open, funny and loving. My friend even said, your H seems like a nice guy. I feel like I'm on such a high from this weekend, it was all very nice. It's so good to get away from the city.

H even held my hand and said don't worry we will make it. He was sweet.... I know I know I need to keep my cool, and I tried to, but I was really happy inside and out.

The only thing it was a bit hard to have H leave once he dropped me home, but I figured take it wasy and let things work themselves out. So I gladly let him go and reminder myslef of babysteps but it was hard.

I must say one of the biggest changes I've made since this sep is in regards to H's son. As I told him in the car that i don't want us working out to cause any pain for his s, not on account of me, if ow wants to keep him away taht's on her but not me. So I hope and think H appreciates that. We were never before on the same page where it comes to his son so its nice that its no longer a sore subject. We now talk about him and its nice.

Anyway, just wanted to share the good news since I always share the bad.

[vickyd]

OMG, I'm on such a high. H just called to say what a good time he had this weekend and that we have to think of someplace else to go. It's so good to know that he enjoyed himself too. I must say, this weekend was like the good old days... when we were at our best. Let's hope we keep this up.

[DCBHM]

I'm glad to see things picking up for you.

[BeingMe]

Awesome, Vicy!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm really happy for you, Vicky. I think what BOTH you and I need to remember is what we did that caused our spouses to respond, and that's to continue to show strength, confidence, and good humor and GAL!

Puppy

[vickyd]

Yep Pup. The humor is actually right on and strength for sure becuase there have been many many instances where I could have blow up on H these last few days but I figures why bother. Eg. before we left for the weekend, I had text him what time would he come over since he was spending the night at our place since we had to leave out early. And good ole H never responded and then when I followed up was to find out he was first going out with his cousin so I know he didn't want to commit to a time. I was a bit bothered and was going to say womething but I figured what the heck. He did tell me though he was already packed from like 7pm the Fri night. So I took care of my stuff and he came home afterward. I could have easily blown up on him about not putting me first, etc. But instead I didn't. He was even filling me in on him and his cousin's night out.

So I can't agree more that strength and self control is needed!!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Never underestimate the power of a playful statement of "Oh bite me." It diffuses many a tense situation that I would formerly try to debate my way thru.

Puppy

[vickyd]

Hey my people, long time no speak. It's been ages since I last posted but I've been so busy galing and working that it got really hard logging in.

So I thought I would give an update.. fill everyone in and welcome any comments advice you may have. I promise I will try to read up on other people's postings and give my input as well.

So things with H and I have been going pretty ok, with some bad days in between. I see definitely progress with H but there are times that I still feel unsure and since the no contact thing just can't happen since there is a child involved, I can't help but to feel insecure at times when I don't hear from him or when he doesn't call. Still one of H's biggest flaws is that he doesn't keep his word too often, says he's going to come by or do something and doesn't. But I've been practicing not callin him when he does this, let him be the one to call and apologize. I don't want to make it easy. Karen, I even bought a book on boundaries, and its Christian based so its great. Boy I think I did a terrible job at putting boundaries in place with us but I'm trying now.

But, all that said, things with H and I have been fairly good. I'll go back two weeks. I was away for work and when I came back the evening H called knowing that I usually like to be with him when I return from traveling, he called to say he's going out with a friend to celebrate his birthday, but he wanted to take me out the Saturday. Well, I had plans to go on a one-day trip with my sis on Saturday and I wasn't going to change it. He then offered to come with me since he wanted to spend the day with me. And he actually came through. We had a great day shopping and being out of town. Then this week the boiler was out and H had to work on it and omg, he did so much work on it. He really made an extra effort - had to take apart the boiler sections, buy new parts, and then when he didn't have the part he needed on him, he drove back into his town, got the piece and came back and worked on it. To say the least, he got it fixed and I was very appreciative.

So this leads to another realization, I had. As Michelle says one of the things we should do is to find out what is so appealing of the other person to our spouses and I realized something. When things were good between us years ago, one of the things I hated was that my H's family didn't believe in him. Him and his mother have a bad relationship and she is always negative with all the kids to be honest, although I do love her. So, I was always H's biggest supporter, his #1 fan. With the whole ow and outside child thing I love that support for him. We were constantly battling and it was especially difficult for me to accept his son. We were in a bad cycle. Anyway, the other day I realized that H doesn't really have anyone who believes in him like I did. He always talks about how supportive I was to him and I think we lost that piece. So, I've been working on that with H - believing in him like I did before. Believing that he has my best interest at heart like he says - he says he wants us to work and he wants his marriage back. And guess what, it's been working like a charm. I'm trying not to pursue and to keep my galing going but when we're together I'bve been giving him tons of appreciation. Because the thing is - he thought ow believed in him b/c she needed him to support her and her kids financially, but she doesn't believe in him, I think she believes in what he can do for her. Two different thing. I hope he sees that, and I want to help to show him that.

So, today I took a leap of faith. I feel like God spoke to me. Really the message came to me and although I feel ok about it, I'm scarrrred as hell. I gave H his keep back as a gift. I included a message saying that I'm scared but want to believe and trust in him so I'm taking a leap of faith. Why I did this? I feel like we're in a bad cycle and I need to try something and monitor the results. Also, H has been going through with a commitment he made to me, and although I don't want to share the news yet, will in a few weeks, but he has been showing actions and I'm thankful. And I felt like it was demoralizing to have him waiting for me to open the door etc. All consequences of his actions, but I felt like for us to move forward, a man can't keep feeling demoralized. So what does this mean, I have no clue. Don't know if or when he will move back home. My goal is monitor and see what having the key means to him. I'm afraid of him having access to home and just going in and out without moving back in and b/c of that fear I question if I am doing the right thing, but I really decided to take a leap of faith and see where it leads to.

But one of my requirements is that he gives me the assurance I need regarding him and ow's relationship. I need to hear him tell her that he's going back to his wife and to set some ground rules. I need him to defend my honor and to hear him make a choice to put this thing to bed. I must say, I do notice a difference in H and ow's relationship. It seems, not 100% sure, that H really doesn't contact much. Before he spent a lot of time with ow, but I think the living together thing pretty much ended that. And I know my H, he would have a good friend that he's really close with for several months and then he moves on to another friend and tehn another. I think ow's time ran out. But again not 100% sure. But he's more in tune with me, more available, and I pretty much know where he hangs out now. And the people he's really close to now (cousins) can't stand ow and have been pushing him to work his marriage out, so I'm thinking it's all a good sign.

Still lots to figure out but again leap of faith.... pray for me.

Btw, another huge change is that H's son is no longer a sore spot for us, which is great. On our trip last week, we were able to look for boys to buy him. I think its so great that we're able to laugh and talk about him. This was one chagne I really wanted. Let ow be the crazy one - she doesn't want son around me, etc.

So that's it for now.

Bye and hope everyone has PMA and are surrounded by good spirits. Hugs

[vickyd]

OMG, can I just say, the last two days, I have been so second guessing my decision to give H his keys back. I just don't know if it was the right thing to do. Ahhhhh!!! I question whether I just served him more cake, him being a cake eater. I know I have to stick with it and when I did I totally prayed on it and asked God for guidance on this. But now I'm so afraid and nervous. I know I can't take it back b/c that would be doing the same thing - I was notorious for packing H's clothes and kicking him out and then packing his clothes back. Very unstable. He even said, will you be taking it back. So I can't take it back since it would show the same me. Ahhhhhh!!!

[BeingMe]

IMHO, the deed is done ---- don't take it back. However, your H can't judge your impulsive setbacks, given that he had an affair which produced a child. Not that you should always throw that in his face. But, don't be too hard on yourself. You would naturally be unstable given the situation. He needs to be the one who is stable, the hero as it were. Winning you back.

He even said, will you be taking it back.

Your reply should've been, "depending on how long I have to wait for you to come home." Give it a couple of weeks, and if there is no movement toward that end, then rethink the decision. Let him know why, that he will only get a key when is actually living at home.

You have every right to be "very unstable" emotionally. What does he expect from you?