Slept with XH, help!!

[D Money]

Thanks for dropping by my thread. You seem very nice so I will overlook the Gator comment.

I'm glad you were able to find my info helpful. What you have to remember is that they will affair "down". Their self esteem is so low that they will hook up with someone they feel they are better then.

The people you have trying to help you are wonderful. When they tell you something it is for a reason. I sense that you bristle at some of the feedback.

Take care

[Kimmie Lee]

Sweetie, I know it hurts, but you guys are divorced. He has moved on and I think you should too.

[brandnewday]

Augtan,

We can all spend hours and hours blaming the OW for al of the hell that we have gone through.

We can blame her for breaking up our family, we can blame her for hurting our children.

The bottom line is this, your Husband also has a part in the demise of your marriage.

You have to stop blaming, stop focusing on her, stay away from her EX and start acting as if they do not exist.

If you and your Husband are ever to reconcile, it will be a brand new relationship, and that means letting go of the past.

(((hugs)))

[fisherman]

Sweetie, I know it hurts, but you guys are divorced. He has moved on and I think you should too.

Do you know this for sure? They were "together" just days ago. Thanks for the opinion, she will do this when she is ready.

[Augtan]

Thanks so much trapt!! I kinda thought that was harsh and she must not have read all the posts. I have known this man for 21 years, I saw what I saw and heard what I heard. He is not over this and he has not moved on at all!!

I know I need to stop blaming the OW, I do blame my XH for 80% of what went on, but women are the most manipulitive, coniving, underhanded people, we all know what we can do to get what we want. I am a woman and I know, I am not saying every single one is this way, but if you have been around the block you know what women can do to get the man she wants at all costs. I have seen it first hand, and I have done some things too. This woman is one of the best at all that, and I am not saying men are stupid, but at times they seem very easy to manipulate in certain situations. She knew he was married with three kids and she knew he was having issues both in our marriage and in life. She preyed on his needs, she jumped on the fact that he was vulnerable, and she knew what she was doing. She is not attractive and she has no self-esteem or self-respect, but she comes across as very "put-together". That is how her low view of herself and her life comes out. So, I do blame her somewhat! She makes me sick and how he cannot see what she is and always will be is beyond me, but fits this whole MLC stuff to a T!!

I am trying soooo hard to be patient, it is killing me. I keep thinking that if I didn't want him back I have the power to break them up with one phone call. But, I know that is stooping to her level and he will never view me as the better option to OW if I do that! I just hate every minute of this, and I am still wondering if anyone has any idea how to do DB long-distance. And, is it too late to do DB if you have screwed it up so bad at the start? I didn't know about DB when when all this started a little over 2 years ago. I know once I did start it was too late in his eyes and now I just don't know since all this went down a week ago and he is 700 miles away. Maybe I should just completely move on and forget even trying to do DB?? It is not what I want, I love this man, I want my kids to have their real Dad back, I want my family whole and I want MY husband (in my eyes he is still my H, a piece of paper won't end that feeling for me!). He even told our 10 yr old when he was here "your mom filed for the divorce, I didn't want it" Which I did file but only after he told me over and over he was never coming home, but I was the one who didn't want the divorce, he pushed for it. He also told me on the phone the other day, "you have said you would never take me back, that you don't want that", and I know what I said back is not condusive to DB but, I said "you know that is not true or I wouldn't be doing all I am doing and have worked so hard to change, and if it wasn't unconditional love I would call her up right now and break you two up, but I don't do that because I love you" I never said "because I want you back". I knew I shouldn't say that, it would just freak him out even more. He knows, he knows I want him back, he knows I want our family whole. Anyway, I need support to help me not call her up and tell her we were "together" while he was here, because sometimes I think if I could only get her out of the picture he would come home, which I am not sure is the case at all. There are so many obstacles in the way of him coming home, it isn't just he moves back into our house. I moved away, have a career here, my kids are in school here, and I would never go back there as long as she was in close range. He would have to move here or we would have to move somewhere in his territory when school was out. My D16 will be a senior next year and although she hates her new school, it would be hard to move here again. I know he thinks about all this stuff and thinks "oh well, it is just easier to stay with OW" I pray every day and I know at some level it is working, but my mind won't stop!! HELP!!

A

[fisherman]

Do NOT try to get in middle of their...whatever you want to call it. It's not a real relationship. This may seem tempting, but it will blow up in your face. Be confident, know yourself and what you had. Let this die on it's own.

Distance means nothing when it comes to Dbing.

To hear you say this tells me loud and clear that you are not getting what dbing is all about. One word.....

YOU!

Become better, for real, for you.

I already know what you are going to say....."I am better. I have changed." However in the very next breath you are going to start talking about this OW.

You are way too open with your ex too. Stop telling him what you have changed and how much you have done. My guess is that is still the OLD you talking. You shoot yourself in the foot everytime you say things like this to him.

Reread DB,get back to the basics for YOU and your children. Not to get him back. That is out of your control.

The only option you have is to keep improving.

Your mind won't stop until you make the effort to change your thoughts and put them where they belong.....ON YOU.

[Grace_O]

Augtan,

Sweetie, stop with the excuses. Stop telling him what he feels.

I am not saying men are stupid,

No, they are not. They can be fairly simple though(no offense to the men here). So, she's manipulating him by...listening to him (and really hearing him with the kind of ears that hear what isn't said)? By making his needs and wants important?


It's hard to show that you're doing these things (if you are) at this point b/c I'm guessing there's a communication breakdown. You can find a way that works, but it also makes you vulnerable.

He even told our 10 yr old when he was here "your mom filed for the divorce, I didn't want it" Which I did file but only after he told me over and over he was never coming home, but I was the one who didn't want the divorce, he pushed for it.

While I keep my kids out of "our" business as much as I can. I'm not foolish enough to think they don't understand more than they've been told. However, doesn't sound like he lied. You filed. On some level you must have wanted it or why did you do it? If he was "pushing" he would have filed himself. Was he lazy and just wanted you to do it? Maybe, but the fact remains you did.

Stop talking about "breaking them up" even in your own head.

You say too much that shouldn't be said. When you feel the urge to do more damage, take a walk. A nice long one. Clear your head.

Long distance isn't any different than up close. Just less contact. When you do see and talk to him is when all the changes you are making will be evident.

My first recommendation would be own your words and actions.

HUGS

[cat04]

This is where the hard work starts.

First you have to stop arguing with us and yourself. You really need to learn, ABSORB, and understand MLC. It is the first step into you being able to not be quite so hurt by all of your H’s actions.

It will also help you to stop the spinning you are doing, and start to figure out exactly what you want.

When you first posted, I was wondering exactly what you were asking for from this place, and I think now, I understand a little bit more.

Reread the resources, reread the book.

DBing, is for you. NOT for him or your marriage. Healing is for YOU. Forgivness is for YOU. Owning your part in your maritial problems is for YOU not for him. These are all things that will help you to be able to move forward, knowing that you have grown, that you are a better person.

You are still trying to manipulate this situation, simply because you are not sure what you want within yourself.

The OW means nothing and if you do anything to try to break them up, all you are doing is showing who you really are. Stop thinking about it. It will serve you no purpose.

You have to really BE better. You have to want to be better. That is what DBing is about. If the changes are real, then he will see it no matter how much distance there is.

The anger you hold and the way you are processing it is like a sword. Right now, you need to turn it into a shield. Eventually, you will be able to let the anger go and let the shield drop. IF you choose to do the work.

If you don’t, well you will just carry all of this into whatever relationship you have in the future be it with XH or someone else.

Are you ready to really do the work?

[kjensen]

You've gotten excellent advice here from Trapt and Grace O.

Be the woman our children can look up to and be proud of. Forget the OW-completely..she is NOT the issue. Focus on YOU!!!!

Re-read DB and practice it, daily! Doesn't matter if you ex is here or there. Its about YOU. See this divorce as an opportunity to learn something about YOU.

Learn to be patient, b/c if you learn anything in this reading posts on this forum is that patience is what it takes.

[Augtan]

I know what all of you are saying is true. I know I need to forget OW. But, I don't care what she did, how she listened, heard what he was saying, was there for him, made his needs important, etc. That is no excuse to have an A!! Period! He should have been letting me do all that and he wasn't, I did all I could to make him see that I was there for him. I was the one there every minute for 21 years!

Anyway, I am going to forget she exists! And, honestly I have been doing a lot of work on myself, but his visit set me back some. I really can't put it all here, cause that would be sooo long: telling what everything was like before and how it all is now. But, I have changed a lot and he has admitted that many times. He also has said that he didn't give our marriage the time and effort it needed because he was still seeing her and he didn't see (at the time) it getting any better between us. He has admitted he took the "easy road" and was very selfish in doing that. Then he just looked at me and said "you need to let me process all this on my own, you telling me all this isn't helping at all!" So, I stopped and we had a great remainder of the visit, hugged for like 5 minutes as he was leaving, and I didn't say a word. I will re-read DB!! I want to do the work, and continue to work on things. I do focus on me and my kids, I am in a DivorceCare support group, I am working very hard on learning about me and what I need to do to get over this and move on, if in the process he "snaps" out of this MLC and we can move on together than that is a bonus.

I do have a hard time not thinking about all of it and wondering what I can do next, I am trying to stop. But, my background (college) is in figuring out what makes people tick and what they are thinking, how they are processing it, in order to help them. So, I cannot help but want to figure out what is inside his head and why. I feel like I should know exactly what to do and how to do it and I don't. I have come to the conclusion that I do want him back and I am going to do DB for me and see what happens, I need patience, patience, patience...it is not my strengh at all. I am trying and I have not talked to him or anything, so I am doing good, cause like I said it is hard when you are armed with the weapon to destroy their "relationship" which is what you want so badly. I will not do it and I will not use that card to get anything I might want from him. I know it will do no good at all!! I keep telling myself that and it is working!

A