Ups and Downs

[tryingtilDorR]

I know my W has been looking at rental houses online, but I know that we can't stay in limbo forever so I figured is that she needs to face the reality of moving and really consider whether or not that is what she wants, so the fact that she is looking is OK with me since I know SHE has to make the decision about this and I Can't control her. Just about the only thing that might make her stay is the reality of what leaving means.

The last time my W told me that she wanted to move out and separate a few weeks back I said "OK - what do you need from me to make it happen?" I have also told her that I don't want this so she knows that, so it doesn't come accross to her like I am encouraging her or anything - just that I am indifferent either way.

Since then, she hasn't mentioned moving out and things have been a lot less tense around the house. She is still thinking about it and still looks at real estate here and there, but the fact that I gave in and didn't argue with her about it diffused a lot of tension I think.

You might want to try it if you truly are up to it and believe you will be OK if she leaves. You might not be there yet I realize, but focus on the fact that at the end of the day, your W needs to 'choose' to be with you, and the fact that you want her to stay and still love her probably isn't going to be a deciding factor in the situation. It is all her. She won't choose you unless she thinks you are moving on most likely. If you get to the point where you realize you don't want to be with someone who doesn't choose to be with you then you will detatch enough to successfully do this most likely.

I know that is what hit me over the head one day and caused a shift in my attitude.

[Energizer Bunny]

Trying - you are dead on. I am completely get what you are saying and I finally had that day a little over a month ago. I told her that I accepted that she was moving. I made up my mind, that I would GAL and I started to.

The issue in my case is that W started coming back around. We spent weeks being affectionate, and occasionally LMing and sleeping in the same bed. While this was going on, she was still moving forward with her plans to move out. I was having a hard time hanging out on the couch watching TV with her, talking about what we're doing this weekend, and hugging good night (she's back in "her" room now) while she went out looking at realestate during the day.

I want to have this time to rekindle our connection, but I don't want to be "too good" with her leaving. I want her to choose me because she wants to be with me. She doesn't seem to see it as a choice right now though. She seems to think that she can have the freedom of being a single woman and still have me waiting in the wings for her at the same time. That's my dilemma.

Do I take the closeness and remain supportive or show her that she is losing me?

[Energizer Bunny]

I think that is the right attitude. Maybe you should try to find some single friends that you can hang out with on the weekends. Single people would be more available and it would give her something to think about. She does seem pretty comfortable with the status quo.

She does seem pretty comfortable. She's had all of the power. I hate that it comes to that, but that's a pretty accurate description.

I still say there's a lot of MLC type stuff with her. She says she loves me and will miss me. She has the ability to be affectionate with me. She doesn't want to leave her home or put our son through this. She just says this is something she has to do. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Hanging out with single people? There's a thought. Just not telling her who I am with at all is another

[Butterfly1]

Do I take the closeness and remain supportive or show her that she is losing me?

I hate to say it, but I vote for plan B!!! She has responded when you show her she is losing you - and has moved out when you have been supportive and available.

I say this as someone struggling to do this in my own sitch, so I'm not saying it's easy. It is counter intuitive, but it's all that will work. We must be strong and show we are moving on for them to get it and finally make a choice one way or the other.

How about that scrabble game?

[Dia]

She seems to think that she can have the freedom of being a single woman and still have me waiting in the wings for her at the same time. That's my dilemma.

Do I take the closeness and remain supportive or show her that she is losing me?

This is called cake-eating. Don't let her do it.

[Energizer Bunny]

How about that scrabble game?

I just signed up at http://word-games.pogo.com/
My screen name there is Paperboy75.

[Energizer Bunny]

EB - please read this when you can focus again - it really helped me - there are seven pages to the article - read them all through. Hang in there, we're with you!
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce_and_infidelity/love_must_be_tough.aspx

I just got around to this article. I just so happened to have bough this book a few weeks ago. I have mixed thoughts on it. Some god things, some things that realy don't seem to fit my situation, but good to know.

[Energizer Bunny]

I spent Friday night out and got home at around 11:30. W came home from dinner with her GF literally as I was getting out of the car. She had S with her. (her was at the GF’s house with her kids and her husband).

W seems pretty comfortable being roommates.

Saturday morning, I asked W if she minded if I took S out for the day. She said no. I didn’t tell her of my plans, I just went. S and I met a friend of mine and his D and we went to a pumpkin festival for the day. It was fun, but still felt like something we should be doing as a family. I took lots of pictures and video. I even shared them with W when we got back home. She’s supposedly still planning on moving, but seems very comfortable with the way things are now. She swings from being buddies to being snippy frequently.

I am pulling away from her this time. I’ve felt awkward wearing my ring lately. Kind of like a needy beggar. She’s had hers off a number of times throughout this. This time since early July. I took mine off for the weekend. Nothing was said about it.

It’s still like she doesn’t get it. She still talks to me like we’re pals. When any kind of R talk comes up, she seems to feel bad about how things are, but isn’t changing her plans. She’s racked with guilt, but has an odd justification. It’s all very logical and noble to her. It’s hard to follow for me. She anger isn’t really there much any more. Not like it used to be. She’ not with the GF all of the time like she had been. It’s more of a “normal” level now. She admits to loving me and even feeling that “in love” feeling with me a couple of weeks ago. She still has to go in search of her happiness though.
S needed pictures that describe him for a school project. W asked me to help pick them out last night. It was very surreal as she was saying “I like the ones from Disney last year,” or “get a nice family one of all three of us from your cousin’s lake house.”

She can be so detached. She seems to forget where we are a lot lately. She acts like all is normal sometimes. It’s hard to go along with.

I was really distant, but friendly this weekend. I’ve finally found a good mix. I did give in and give her a hug before bed last night (I initiated). She came out of her “buddy” shell for a few minutes. She held me tight and kept holding even after I let go. I didn’t say a word. I just gave a quick smile and nod and went to bed when she let go.

[tristan]

EB. I think I understand where you are. The way your W is treating you is similiar to the way W treated me. The difference is that there is no evidence of an OM in your sitch (which is a big difference).

I think you are handling it well. I think the only thing you can do is continue to GAL (like you are) and try not to pursue. However, I think it is important to be there when she needs you. These will come up from time to time. I know this is a very hard balance to mantain. Have patience, I think you are doing a good job.

About the ring, I would not take it off to make a point. For example, if she started wearing her's again, would you put yours back on? If the answer is yes, then I would say you should just keep wearing it. You don't want her to have that type of control over you. That is just my opinion.

Take care.

[Energizer Bunny]

Your opinion is, as always, appreciated.

Yes, I would happily wear it then. It just seems to have lost some of it's meaning at this point. It's not so much to make a point to her, but something is just different. Wedding rings are like the Wonder Twins rings to me. Useless alone. They get their power when the two are put together.

It's back on now.

I'm trying to be there for her. That's just the kind of guy I am. I still love her and want things to work. Something's different lately though. That's for sure.