Thanks for the input everyone. Any input on the pre-affair lack of sex or interest from my H and how to go about working through that? I should probably go to the ssm forum.
I'm not going to intentionally hurt him with information he does not need to know. It has nothing to do with him. When I had an affair I had to tell him because I needed to in order to stop. I needed to ask for forgiveness and not do it again. I needed to apologize for my behavior toward him due to what I was doing. I don't need to do that anymore....for him OR for me.
I'm listening to all of you, and because of it I almost said F it and spewed it out to him last night and then caught myself.....it is just not fair to him. I'm NOT treating him like a child and it IS my job to be kind. This is just cruel to do this to him for absolutely no reason. The reason to tell him from what I have read so far is that it would be better to hear it from me if he ever finds out (I know him, he won't care if he finds out now or later...either way, he won't like it and it will bother him...it is only a matter of how soon he would have to let it bother him and he will wish he never knew). I DO know him....like Sandi said, it will fester within him.....He and I are alike in that way. The way my affair has haunted me and past OM memories have haunted me will be the way it affects him and it is UNNECESSARY!
The only thing that makes me consider it is what Hope had said about whether this could stop our intimacy...this secret within MYSELF...that could block that. It just seems selfish to dump my stuff on him so that I can feel closer to him. Believe me, I would LOVE to just tell him everything and get it off my shoulders....how he works 3 blocks down, how I have flashes in my mind of OM and I having sex, how it was the best sex I have ever had, how I laughed more and smiled more than I have ever done with him, how a song will pop on and it will remind me of something OM did or said, how he emailed me and still misses me, and even to bring up some of the old past stuff of what I did while in the affairs...the many states I visited, the crazy things I did (good and bad), the list goes on........So, I'm suppose to tell him about this latest phone call and email but NOT tell him about some of those other things.....nope, doesn't make sense to me. Censor the sex details but don't censor a stupid call and email that means nothing to me and has no affect on what we do.
Bottom line, he won't want to know, and if he finds out he won't be mad. Hurt because of what he finds out, but not hurt because I didn't tell him. He would understand. When the OM called me about a month after I told my H about the A I told him and he said, "I just want him to go away...in our life and in my mind. It's easier to think that he is not there, than to deal with him again and again." I listened to him.
The thing is....what I need the most support on here is the lack of sex in the relationship and how I feel like our marriage has become only a close friendship...the thing that helped bring on the affair in the first place. I was hoping for some people that had that happen...Nocode helped a bit on that....That is the most critical problem right now....not this stupid phone call/email. And, no one can help me with that or even say anything that helps. Kinda like....yeah, you are pretty screwed with that, but make sure you tell him about the phone call....silly....
