Problems after the affair...Rebuilding

[sandi2]

Didi, I don't want to sound as if I am backtracking what I said in the beginning, but I need to expound on this more. I am not one to read old posts, but I ran across one last night right before checking on your thread. In that thread, Puppy had told me that I gave the poster bad advice based on my own feelings toward my stitch. So then I came and read yours "again" and realized that was mainly what I had done in my advice here. Needless to say, it jerked my head around. In fact, I've debated on leaving the board b/c of it.

You see, my H's health decline so much since he discovered my EA. When I finally emerged from the fog to finally see what was happening to him, you can imagine how I felt. So, when I said what I did about "protecting" your H from more pain, it was not that I was saying for you to treat him as if he were a child, or that I was encouraging you to lie.... but actually, I was thinking of how I saw that kind of news affecting my own H who has heart & blood pressure problems. The scence of him having a stroke or heart attack flashed in my mind....but that is my stitch and not yours. I am sure my H is probably a lot older than yours. Several years ago, I would have told him as soon as he came home that day....and when I realized I was telling you based on how things are in "my life".....I had to come back to explain "why". You would be surprised how one changes after they have these type of health problems when they get older. The man who used to be able to deal with anything, can't handle it anymore. It doesn't make him less of a man, but it is the combination of age and health that you have to consider what to do best. That is what I meant by "protecting" him from more pain.

So, I thought about it last night b/c I didn't want to respond too quickly, as I have been known to do. The biggest thing about this situtation of yours is that the OM is working three doors down from where you live. That has got to make you feel uncomfortable since he has contacted you! I'm concerned about what the stress is going to do to you.....and what it will do to your H. I can't remember if you said OM moved to that town after the affair or if he has always been there. Don't know the size of your town, but if it were my little town.....the chances of my H not discovering OM was working three doors down would be very slim.

Either way, you have a serious problem. You described how this has affected your H and that he can't seem to get past it. I can only tell you what I did before ....that you know your H and your R better than anyone. I just didn't want to give you bad advice--and you take it-- and then things turn worse. What I'm thinking in my head isn't what always comes across on paper.......so I wanted to clear that up with you. I am concerned that your H will not handle the news very well and will allow it to fester, but then I don't "know" him....that is just based on what you have said. Maybe the others are right and you shouldn't take a gamble . He may not find out about the OM calling you, but I think he will find out about him working so close to your home. The thought did come to me that if OM doesn't bow out of this, he may tell others and the news get back to your H.....or OM could even be bold enough to tell him, since he called the house. (Forgive me for not being able to remember all the details of your stitch.)

I just want the best for you sweetie. Maybe I shouldn't say anything......but I am here for you and I think I know how you are feeling.