Moving merrily down the tunnel

[drewnole]

Mr. Money,

I agree with you about the WAS revisiting a certain time period and issue.

I feel like my WAS is revisting the time period after her mother's death. She had a difficult time dealing with it. Her mother's death occurred 15 years ago. Actually, I don't think she has dealt with those issues at all. That's why her new boyfriend reminds me of the boyfriend she had after her mother's death. That is also the time period when she began to experiment with drugs. I think she is doing them now.

Concerning your wife, sounds like OM #3 might not be in her future. She is still partying. But, she is beginning to reconnect with you a bit. How is she doing in terms of reconnecting with your D's?

In my opinion, the OP must be someone that has issues themselves. In your case, how must have the OM felt showing up to MIL's with your wife and children? Must have low self esteem? Or, just someone who doesn't give a sh it?

My WAS has no problem visiting OM's two children every other weekend. Yet, spends one day a week at the most with our son. I find that quite odd.

[D Money]

Had a pretty good day yesterday. We won!! (46-26) Wife was not at the game because she had to go to her best friend's wedding.

I went to pick up the kids yesterday. We were talking and out of the blue she says "I won't be going to the high school game on Friday". It was like she was trying to get me to ask her why and then I remembered that Friday will be one year since her Grandpa died.
I asked her if she was going to be OK on Friday and she replied "It's me. I can handle it. I'll be fine."
I said "Sometimes you carry too much on your shoulders" and she looked away and said "I know".
I may have slipped here but I stroked her cheek and told her she doesn't need to carry that weight by herself.

Sometimes I get the feeling from her that there's a wall between her and I that she wants to get past but she doesn't know how.

[Augtan]

Hi! First I want to say thank you for sharing all you have. By reading this thread I think I have figured something out about my XH's MLC. When you said that you think the OP's represented a portion of their past they needed to resolve, a huge light bulb went off!!

My XH was with a very mousey, ugly, "do whatever you tell me to do, I will let you walk all over me, I have no self-esteem" girl before me. She was his HS girlfriend and she did whatever he said, he cheated on her and she took him back, he treated her like a doormat and she let him. Then, he met me...I am the exact opposite, not that I am Miss America but I am cute, I am outgoing, fun, have tons of friends, a leader, etc. He dumped her for me when we met at college my first few weeks there, he was a junior and is 3 1/2 yrs older than me. One time when he went back home and saw her, her mother told her.."he is going to marry that girl, so you better get over him." right in front of my ex. She was right, we got married a few years later. Tons has happened since then, some of it is posted on my thread "I slept with my XH" but I don't want to go into it here, this is your thread. But, the OW he is with is just like his HS girlfriend, and I think he went back to a person like that to feed his ego, make him the center of attention, and be able to do whatever he wanted without her getting upset with him. (OW has no self-respect, self-esteem or anything, he dumped her, came home to me, called her every name under the son, then she went back to him a few months later while he was still with me, hid for over a year only seeing him when he could "get away", he was still sleeping with me, spending his free time with me and the kids, and working on our marriage, she put up with being second to me for many, many months). She is so much like the HS girlfriend, not even close to good-looking, mousey, all of the things I am not. But, here is where I get my hope, he got sick of that once, it was not a challenge, she was too easy, and left her for me...I think he will do it again. I think he will get bored with her. I also think he liked the fact that he was proud to be with me, I was was an attractive personality and person, she is not even close to that. People I know who work with her says she is not a likable person and has no personality at all, she is not friendly or outgoing. So, thanks for saying all that, it made my day, I need to have extreme patience now, and that is not easy for me...but I know I can do it. I told him recently that my love for him is unconditional and always will be, but he needs to work this all out on his own. When he was up here a few days ago, we slept together and the next night at our family dinner for our S14's B-Day, we just were staring at each other in the eyes over and over at the table, I could see in his eyes he wants to come home, he wants to love us again, he is just still so deep in the MLC he doesn't know what to do to get to that point. Then, he goes home (700 miles away) and it is just easier to be with her. I saw his eyes and I have known those eyes and what they are saying for 21 years. There is hope!

Thanks again, you really helped me a lot!! I hope things are going better for you each day, it is soooo hard!! BTW don't hate the GATORS because they are the BEST!! IT'S GREAT TO BE A FLORIDA GATOR!! Sorry had to do it!!

Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs T-20
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09

[kjensen]

Hi D,
I don't think you slipped by showing our wife compassion and care. I think when it happens naturally, those moments can be an important reminder to our spouses that we do care and are there for them.

Sometimes I get the feeling from her that there's a wall between her and I that she wants to get past but she doesn't know how.

You are probably right. The hard part is watching them struggle through it on their own, but that's the only way..

[drewnole]

Glad to hear that your football team won a game. I bet the kids couldn't contain themselves after the big win.

Hope they can win the last one.

I was hoping that I could avoid a Gator here. I was wrong.

How can anyone wear such an ugly color combination consisting of Orange and Blue?

[D Money]

Well they actually kinda did contain themselves. They were dead @ss tired. Because of an injury in one of the earlier games the start time got pushed back and we didn't even kickoff until 9:30PM.

Just got back from my wife's. Brought S12 home cuz he's got the flu. We figured it would be best to sleep in his own bed.

I let her know some of my feelings. Earlier today I made it seem as though I was to solely make a decision regarding S12 going to practice today. I told her that wasn't my intention and that I valued her input. (This is something I never would have done in the past)

I told her that I felt bad because for a long time I acted as if I was better and my wants were more important. I said that I've wanted her to know that I value her as a person and that she is important to me and I asked her to forgive me. (Again this is something I would not have done in the past)

She told me not to feel bad, that it was no big deal, and yes she would forgive me. When I was at her place, I gave her a hug and thanked her. We embraced for an extended period of time and she kinda leaned her head into mine.

She did slip and call me Honey.

[Augtan]

Thanks for responding to me on my thread! I am just a mess!! I too am glad to hear you won your game, we are a football family too. My XH coached my S14 for many years, then he hit the MLC and we all know what happens then. I found that "MCL for Dummies" very funny! I just don't know how if they read this and it is totally what they have done and/or are doing they cannot see it?? I guess once again, I am wanting them to be able to respond in a normal way, and that isn't possible.

At the end it talks about the holidays, I don't know about anyone else, but this will be our first. I let XH, still H at the time, come home for Christmas last year. What a huge mistake, I should have had better boundries and maybe it wouldn't have gone this far. So, anyone considering this needs to not do it. They are the one's who want all this, and sometimes they need to live with the consequences. In reality, if divorced, you don't share Christmas morning. If they are really working on coming home then, maybe.

Just wanted to check in here, sorry to upset all the Univ. of South Carolina and FSU fans, but don't be haters, Gators are the best. As for the color combo, I don't think FSU is a great combo either (I don't wear maroon and yellow gold together on a regular basis), but USC is actually a nice aray of colors. I almost went to school at USC, but bagged out at the last minute. Just to add fuel to the fire, I am a Buckeye too. I know crazy combo..Gators and Buckeyes, but there is a good reason. I love orange and blue, both look good on me! GO GATORS!! But, if the offence plays like they did Sat. we are in huge trouble!! Sorry for all the football chat, it is a big part of my life.

Me-39
XH-42
D-16, S-14, D-10
M- 17 1/2 yrs. T- 20+
PA& EA D-day- 7/07
moves out-9/07
back in-12/07
goes back to OW-around 2/08
moves out-7/08
D-5/09
find out he was with OM since 2/08--9/09

[kjensen]

Those 'slips' keep you going don't they? I used to count those moments and they would definitely keep my hopes from sagging.

How is your little boy? I hope he doesn't have a bad bout of the flu- it seems some people are getting a fairly mild case(my D14) and others, obviously it hits much harder.

Will keep you all in my thoughts!

[Augtan]

That is great that you had such a good "exchange" with your W. When my XH was here last week, we both slipped many times calling each other "honey". I loved it!

How is S12? My S14 has it too, played his last game with it and sprained his ankle in the pouring down rain going out for a wide open touchdown pass..it was awful! He was sooo upset as he plays both sides of the ball..but the team went on to win, so all was good.

I am wondering and posted on my thread, how do you make yourself a better option to OW? I am so confused about this...D Money you seemed to do it perfect with your W when you dropped off S12. But, I don't have those drop off times or really any face to face contact since XH lives 700 miles away. Just wondering...

Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09

[D Money]

S12 is doing much better. One of the kids on our team was diagnosed with the swine flu.

As far as making yourself the better option, you have to be natural. For my situation, my wife and I have the same sense of humor so when I get around her I am light and have fun, but it can't be forced or they will see that as manipulation. When I talk to her on the phone I stay upbeat. To be honest there are times where I know I'm going to see her or talk to her and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

How did you act around him when you were dating? That's the person that attracted him in the beginning. Be that person.