LB: thanks! I am plenty strong. I guess it's a matter of seeing the hard stuff through to the end.
WCW: Yes, he did file D paperwork 2 years ago. Turns out that he forged my name on it too--can anyone say federal crime? Major screw up.
UPDATE Part 1:
I meant to post way before this. Isn't it funny how life rages on while we deal with one part of it all? I had an awesome convo with Chuck, and then some stuff happened with H. Then I got a terrible cold.
And then my 93-year-old grandfather went into hospice care and I flew to TX to be with him and the rest of my family. I got there just in time. He knew who I was and that I was there. He was able to talk with me briefly a couple of times--I mean like a few sentences. And then every day after that he was a little worse until I left at the end of the week and he was nonresponsive, semicomatose, really. I got home in the wee hours last Sunday morning, and he died Sunday night. This is the third family death for me in 3 years, and it is the one I feel the most at peace with, mostly because I knew it was coming and settled things before he died.
So now I'm back in my reality and I'm about to embrace a major stereotype and hire a private investigator. Here's what's been going on with me:
First, my session with Chuck. Awesome as always. He believes that I need to make an announcement: I understand where H is at, I know that he's moved and is telling people that he's remarried, and that I've made a decision to handle it and move forward. This may force H to be confronted with reality--it goes back to the core beliefs of the WAS that the LBS never changes, that he knows me completely.
He suggests writing a letter of release. This is beyond the Last Resort Technique, which I've been living for a while. This is a letter that I can hand to H or mail. Here's the outline: * begin with appreciation for the role that H has played in my life * tell him that I realize that we're in a place where I need more, I need a real husband * tell him that I release him and am moving on, that I'll be filing my own D papers, and that I'll contact him with legal and financial stuff as I work them out with my lawyer.
I told Chuck about the forged signatures, and he approves of me not signing the papers that H filed. He suggested saying in the letter something like, "The lock's been changed, keep the key as a souvenir." He says to talk with a lawyer before I give H the letter--it makes it harder to double back and slip back into old habits, e.g. staying in the limbo rut when H is sweet and charming. He cautioned me that H may come back super-repentant. This is a big problem because it's tempting to go back to an unhealthy cycle. I need to be prepared to be clear about what I need to see to reconcile, and I should not agree to anything right then, just say, "I don't know if you can make those kinds of changes, H, I'll think about it." H needs to be afraid that he's gone too far, and I need to be committed to going through with this. It's how I respect myself and call the shots now.
IF H has some kind of epiphany, I must make him win me. He needs to learn/remember what it means to be loving. He needs to show sacrificial love, the kind that costs you with no guarantees that you'll be successful--in other words, the unconditional love that I've been giving these 4 years. H needs to discover his depth; right now he doesn't know if he has any because he's never tested it.
He says to be prepared for a response that's different than what I expect, to be PATIENT, and to make him win me.
His prediction is that in 2-3 years, I will be fine and H will be a mess. I've shown integrity, dignity, and selfrespect, and I have dug deep and know myself. H hasn't had to do any of this work, and he will be lost.
He says to talk with a lawyer before I give H the letter--it makes it harder to double back and slip back into old habits, e.g. staying in the limbo rut when H is sweet and charming. He cautioned me that H may come back super-repentant. This is a big problem because it's tempting to go back to an unhealthy cycle. I need to be prepared to be clear about what I need to see to reconcile, and I should not agree to anything right then, just say, "I don't know if you can make those kinds of changes, H, I'll think about it." H needs to be afraid that he's gone too far, and I need to be committed to going through with this. It's how I respect myself and call the shots now. 
