Amazing how clear this stuff is now that we've lived through it! Wow. I swear, if my W and I manage to reconcile, we are going to be a team to be reckoned with at some sort of marriage crisis retreats.
In a strange twist, the last time my W and I talked, she started by described how one of her friends was so unhappy in her M, and was jokingly saying how she should have an A. Now this is a friend of hers that has been her confidant regarding her situation, her A, her OM, and has just been riveting by the exciting story. My W went off on her, telling her what an awful decision that would be, and how she needs to be honest with her H and make him understand, rather than giving up. She asked her "Do you really want to only see your kids half the time? Do you?!" I sat there with a mix of anger and amazement as my W was telling me this.
I asked what their problems were, and she swore me to secrecy, as these people are my friends as well, and she confided in me about it. As she talked we had reactions in unison, knowing exactly how each move they were making was leading to disaster, and what they so obviously needed to do. To them, those obvious things seemed so hard and distasteful, but they haven't gone through the pain. My W and I both knew that the difficulty of dealing honestly with their problems now pales in comparison with what they face if they fail to fix their M. Was actually quite the little bonding experience for us.
Thought I'd update. The wife has stopped begging to come home. She has said that while she still wants to come home, she isn't going to beg any more. She said if she comes home, she would like a clean slate and would like the opportunity to work on us together. I'm at point where I don't know what to do. Half of me wants to work on us and the other half says screw it. It has been so long and there has been so much hurt, deceit and betrayal.
So, why am I still considering this? Why has the decision fallen to me? How could I ever trust her again? So much to think about. Meanwhile I've started letting this consume too much of my time and thoughts. I'm leaning towards the dating option--that is seeing if she wants to date and see how it goes from there.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Half of me wants to work on us and the other half says screw it.
Which half wants what?
Why has the decision fallen to me?
Very good question. And there's always the risk that, in fact, you're just rescuing. On the other hand, I don't think you can get a clearer signal than the cessation of begging -- which, by the way, is why it has fallen to you.
And, while this -- She said if she comes home, she would like a clean slate and would like the opportunity to work on us together -- sounds reasonable, your reaction -- How could I ever trust her again? -- is the $10,000 Question. There is the Schnarch position -- you don't have to believe it until you experience it, so you don't have to trust her until you do. leaning towards the dating option--that is seeing if she wants to date and see how it goes from there.
Seems like a fair compromise -- if she's really interested, she ought to be willing to discuss it. But if she's essentially demanding "all-or-nothing," then caution should be your by-word.
SP, good to hear from you, thanks for sparking some thoughts for me.
Half of me wants her back to work on a better marriage and the other half thinks that she will come back and try to control everything as she did before--that's the half I don't want but will have to accept the whole package if she did.
Funny thing is, on the phone last night she got angry with me about a woman on my Facebook account that she "thinks" I wanted to get involved with or she thinks wanted to get involved with me. She asked me if she was still a friend on FB. I told her she was. So, she said, "well, I'm done then." And she hung up. So, this tells me that she still wants the old marriage where she was in control and got her way no matter what.
I had asked her about the dating option before this part of the conversation had transpired and had even set us up for two dates. There is obviously a lot of anger in her still though.
It does seem fair that she can react in the manner that she has though having done what she's done. But then again, no one said life was fair. So, it seems (unless she's doesn't really mean it) that the dating/reconciliation option is once again off the table. She's DBing and not even knowing it. The only difference now though is that I don't feel desperate to try to explain anything to her. There's nothing to explain for that matter. And I don't feel desperate enough to accept that type of behaviour from her either. It's bad enough to think that she can act this way toward me when she has no facts and is automatically assuming the worst.
Last edited by AFWAW; 10/19/0911:11 AM.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
PREDICTION (if you didn't): she will circle back to her "Begging to Come Home" tactics.
I have not responded. I don't see the point in doing so. I believe it will take another crisis for her to get back to the begging point. Somehow, she's got it in her mind that I've been dating and because I've talked with other women, she figures she's not #1. Whatever.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
