Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

I just find myself struggling with Christian principles and unconditional love. I keep thinking far ahead -- I'm a planner.

Some of it is good. I have weekends planned with the girls at Wisconsin Dells in November and a trip to Florida for spring break in March.

But I struggle with me being happy AND W being happy. I know it's wrong to wish her misery, but I want her to realize I wasn't the problem. But maybe with these feelings I was the problem.

I wish I'd have made it church today. D10 didn't wake up in time for the first service and wanted to go to a fundraiser at the same time of a second.

Tuesday night I have a marriage rebuilders class. The first set of sessions was life changing. But I had high hopes for the M then. The first week of the second set was last week and now that I'm much more pessimistic, my mind wandered.

I've stopped reading the relationship books. They make me think too much about W. I'm letting the journal slide, although part of that is because I'm on this forum.

So much is patience and how do you maintain it day by day -- and not feel like I'm being a chump. Of course, I look on some of these threads and they are more than 100 pages long. I'm only on page 14 so I guess I have a long ways to go.

I hope Sandi and Dia are out there. I asked earlier about their timelines of when they started to feel they needed to work on the M. I'm still just 11 days from our last R talk -- which I forced. I've sworn it is the last one I'll force. Will I find the strength to keep that up?