I guess deep down I didn't want to merge our accounts either. My H has no control and if we had merged he'd have spent all my money, also. I guess I wanted joint because then I could have tried to control his spending which probably would have resulted in lots more fights...hmmm. Thanks, you've got me thinking that maybe separate is okay. Maybe I can learn to accept it and let it go... I'm the frugal one or as others interpret it, the cheap one! Cathy
Thanks. I'm feeling better about it. I'm the one with the lack of control of money problem. In a way he doesn't trust me. Right now, the real prob. is that he is not real involved with my life due to our sitch.
I'm still feeling contempt right now, like how the h#ll am I going to "fix" this?? I want his help, but know that is not an option. He has been more affectionate which is some kind of a positive. I just feel like we don't communicate about stuff. He's tired of talking. I want to be happy, he needs space, etc., etc.
He said he would help me with my finances (getting them under control) He does give me money sometimes for groceries/lunch etc. when I ask.
He just has major WALLS around him, and it hurts me so bad. I want him to be able to talk to me...
this sucks! I feel stuck. I feel like WA, but I know I would regret that deeply. Like Optimist said, I want it all and I want it now. this is going to be a long haul. Right now I don't feel like I can cope. What to do??
One of the things I did was take some advice I read on the board. I think it was Sage, who said, look at what you are feeling. Are you feeling that way because of what's happening now, right this minute?
Or are making ASSumptions about your future?
She said to focus on the facts.
I find the more I live in the moment, the less anxiety I have.
I hope that helps!
I suggest reading Sage's thread, she has some great insights! If nothing else, it'll be a good distraction from whatever is causing you anxiety/fear that you can't cope!
I am making assumptions about the future-like he'll never trust me, love me, want to spend time with me, etc.
I will read Sage's thread. thanks.
But the facts are that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not, and that hurts. I'm sure all of you know that one. At least he IS still here, and doesn't have A's or EA's or anything.
OK, I think I finally found the beginning of hers.
Am I totally selfish and uncaring and unsympathetic? I seem to have my perception messed up. Sometimes I totally blame myself and feel for H, other times, I totally blame him and cause probs.
**sigh**
I think I shall get something for lunch and read the posts. I'm having such a hard time concentrating on work.
Quote: Am I totally selfish and uncaring and unsympathetic? I seem to have my perception messed up. Sometimes I totally blame myself and feel for H, other times, I totally blame him and cause probs
Nah...you are just normal.
Heh...you'll fit right in with the rest of us here!
Seriously, this rollercoaster continues on, but hopefully, you'll find the highs and lows begin to balance a bit more.
K, here I am, man are you OK? K, you really need to think about making YOURSELF happy. It seems to me that when you are down you blame H, and when your are up it is because H is being more like a H. I know what you are feeling I was the same way. I just wish W had not left so abruptly(sp?), and she has been gone for five loooong months.
K, we can not depend on others with our own happiness, not S, not family, only ourselves. This was a hard thing for me to learn, but then suddenly it came to me. Do I get depressed at times, oh hell yes, but I pray to God and it makes me smile. K, you told me that you were going to act as if so just do it. Remain upbeat with H and when you need to argue or vent come here, we all understand! Let your H initiate R talk, do not do it yourself.
K, I may just be rambling, but I know you can do it. Did you not say you were saved? If so you know what to do and who to look for for guidance. I am here for you just drop a line from time to time.
Oh yeah, agreeing, this is something I have also learned, being agreeable. This is very powerful stuff, but keeps a lot of arguments in check. Whether you agree or not in your heart, just do it it gives the other person no ammunition to fight you with and they will love you more for it. Again, this is something that has taken time for me, but seems at times it REALLY works.
One last thing to all of y'all, why did you all not tell to not stop ADs cold turkey. I went on them for six weeks (free samples) then when I ran out I thought, man I am good I don't need these miracle blue pills anymore. Oh did I find I was wrong! Oh well, learn from mistakes, just wish doctor had told me, I guess that is why they make the big bucks. Keep us in the dark so we have to keep coming back in and spending more money..I think I need to change my career. Mark "...last thing I needed, first thing this morning, was to have you walk out on me." -Willie Nelson
Mark, I certainly would have told you not to quit A-D's cold turkey!! I've been through that! So, what are you taking now? I don't think my med's are helping that much and I've tried just about all of them!! I'm seeing a neurologist for migraines-I think the next time I see her I will discuss my dep/anx with her. I'm not sure I like my psychiatrist anymore, or my C for that matter.
I am going to see the C tomorrow morn. wish me luck. The last time I saw her, I had words with her. (told her that I thought she was focusing on the negative and that I need to be uplifted, and be solution-oriented.) She said, "do you know why we focus on the negative?" Yes, I say, so "i'll be inspired to change." Whatever. I would leave feeling worse about myself.
Anyhow, Ah yes, the proverbial I must love myself. Ok, dammit, I don't know how! I am into lots of stuff like Volleyball, scrapbooking, bike riding, walking my dogs, going out w/friends, etc., but still this HOLE prevails. A God-shaped hole, you say? I've heard of this before...
How do I re-connect with God. I feel like I have turned my back on him. Yes, confess, tell him how I really feel. ok...i can do that.
I think I should be more agreeable, and listen, and not get so defensive. I just go into panic mode when I think H is distancing himself. It's like I want comfort so bad, but I know he is not in a place to give me much. He feels like I always have my paws out asking for more and more...
Me again. I think I need to make some goals for today. I really want to go home and be depressed, but that DEFINITELY will not help matters.
H works until 7, so I'll probably stay at work a little late to get some ot, go to the store, and go home and cook dinner. H only got 4 hours of sleep last night b/c he didn't feel good.
1. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO R talk!!!!!! 2. Act as if I am a truly wonderful person. 3. Stop obsessive thoughts. Turn into something positive. 4. Spend some time alone-reading, take a bath, or walking dogs.
Ok, that seems like enough. Any other suggestions out there?
