Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

These are the weekends I still struggle. I have the girls for the weekend. I should be extremely happy. But I spend so much time wondering about what W is doing.

When I get past that I'll have truly turned a corner.

I just have to trust time. Each week this continues I get stronger mentally and financially.

W gets a little lower on money and the newness of single life hopefully wears off.

Or not. Maybe tomorrow someone new and special walks through a door.

I have to open my eyes to the possibility and live today for today.

I also have to remember I'm back to square one. The last R talk I forced was just 10 days ago. It's going to take months for W to open her eyes.

[givingitmyall]

These are the weekends I still struggle. I have the girls for the weekend. I should be extremely happy. But I spend so much time wondering about what W is doing.

When I get past that I'll have truly turned a corner.

I just have to trust time. Each week this continues I get stronger mentally and financially.

W gets a little lower on money and the newness of single life hopefully wears off.

Or not. Maybe tomorrow someone new and special walks through a door.

I have to open my eyes to the possibility and live today for today.

I also have to remember I'm back to square one. The last R talk I forced was just 10 days ago. It's going to take months for W to open her eyes.

Focus on your kids. And think of all the positive things going for you right now.

Don't just BE with your kids, DO SOMETHING with them.

[ClingingToHope]

Spent the afternoon at a swim meet with D10, while D7 headed to W's house to get her head checked for lice again.

After meet -- 4 1/2 hours, yikes -- we just vegged out at the apartment. Right now, one is downstairs watching TV and one is upstairs watching TV. I'm going to put them to bed in a couple of minutes.

While we were in the same room, I reread the chapters in DR on Mid Life Crisis and Depression.

The similarities with my W are all there. I won't run through them all. Essentially, MWD is saying the only way to save my marriage is to focus on myself and have patience that someday -- not soon -- but someday WAW will figure out our M is worth saving.

At the beginning, she says, there are no guarantees. I can follow all the advice to a T and we may still get divorced.

Still, it gives me more to think about. A week ago I was very psyched to give W a letter offering her a low-cost divorce. Now, especially after reading several letters at the end of the book, I'm leaning toward letting the winter play itself out.

One thing I will definitely change is enabling her. The next time the girls get sick or need to be picked up, unless it's my day with them, it's her responsibility. I have to stick to that. And if she pulls the "leave the 10-year-old home alone" thing again I have to call her on that as well.

So I need to have patience and get tougher.

Time for bed.

[ClingingToHope]

D7 is up and wants the computer. D10 still sleeping downstairs. Wondering today how you have patience. Is it a matter of just managing to get through each day and then ... weeks, months, years later ... looking back and realizing you've made it.

I read the threads and reread the DR book and get inspired by the success stories and even draw comfort from the ones that ended in D. Most have survived just fine.

But that doesn't help today. Last night, we were watching the Disney Channel when one of the young actresses was singing a remake of "Someday My Prince Will Come."

I don't think either daughter noticed, but I started crying. I remain a hopeless romantic and I do believe I am my W's prince. I don't regret any of the 13 years. Sure, during them I was way too wrapped up in my own feelings and unrealistic expectations, but I look at the careers we've built, the way the daughters have developed and the house we've built and trips we've taken.

As a whole, it is the American Dream.

Sure it can be improved and it took this separation to convince me and now I'm ready to do the work. Will I get that chance? Today, right now, I see no chance in that. She seems so sure of herself and so angry towards me. If anything, she is distancing herself from me more and more.

But I look at the success stories and I feel like I can't give up.

How do you manage those emotions? What happens if next week someone walks into my life that I am interested in -- and who's interested in me. It isn't as if I haven't been looking. But what happens then? Or she finds someone to replace me?

Tonight, if I can get the kids to bed at the correct hour for school tomorrow, I restart a long term project. Perhaps that will help.

[Gardener]

CTH,

Wondering today how you have patience. Is it a matter of just managing to get through each day and then ... weeks, months, years later ... looking back and realizing you've made it.

That's what I do and that's my hope.

I remain a hopeless romantic and I do believe I am my W's prince.

Then I'd suggest approaching all your DB activities from that stance. Coach always reminds us, "Strength and Honor," Princes have strength and honor in abundance, so let that be your mantra.

Today, right now, I see no chance in that. She seems so sure of herself and so angry towards me. If anything, she is distancing herself from me more and more.

Believe none of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see.

How do you manage those emotions?

Fell them. FEEL THEM. Vent them here.

What happens if next week someone walks into my life that I am interested in -- and who's interested in me. It isn't as if I haven't been looking. But what happens then?

Can only speak for myself, but right now, I am a married man, so that ends it for me (besides who needs that complication at this time?!)
Good luck.

[ClingingToHope]

Have girls at apartment. We're just vegging out. W called. I didn't answer. I handed it to D10. She asked through her whether they are staying the night. I said yes.

When she called earlier to talk about D7's hair she was driving somewhere. She said at some point in the conversation that she missed a turn.

So the pessimist in me thinks she was calling to see if she needed to go home. I'm having a typical LBS moment -- wondering where she is and how much fun she's having.

When will that stop?

[givingitmyall]

Have girls at apartment. We're just vegging out. W called. I didn't answer. I handed it to D10. She asked through her whether they are staying the night. I said yes.

When she called earlier to talk about D7's hair she was driving somewhere. She said at some point in the conversation that she missed a turn.

So the pessimist in me thinks she was calling to see if she needed to go home. I'm having a typical LBS moment -- wondering where she is and how much fun she's having.

When will that stop?

When YOU want it to. Have fun with the kids. Whatever your W is doing cannot be as much fun as doing something with your kids.

[ClingingToHope]

I just find myself struggling with Christian principles and unconditional love. I keep thinking far ahead -- I'm a planner.

Some of it is good. I have weekends planned with the girls at Wisconsin Dells in November and a trip to Florida for spring break in March.

But I struggle with me being happy AND W being happy. I know it's wrong to wish her misery, but I want her to realize I wasn't the problem. But maybe with these feelings I was the problem.

I wish I'd have made it church today. D10 didn't wake up in time for the first service and wanted to go to a fundraiser at the same time of a second.

Tuesday night I have a marriage rebuilders class. The first set of sessions was life changing. But I had high hopes for the M then. The first week of the second set was last week and now that I'm much more pessimistic, my mind wandered.

I've stopped reading the relationship books. They make me think too much about W. I'm letting the journal slide, although part of that is because I'm on this forum.

So much is patience and how do you maintain it day by day -- and not feel like I'm being a chump. Of course, I look on some of these threads and they are more than 100 pages long. I'm only on page 14 so I guess I have a long ways to go.

I hope Sandi and Dia are out there. I asked earlier about their timelines of when they started to feel they needed to work on the M. I'm still just 11 days from our last R talk -- which I forced. I've sworn it is the last one I'll force. Will I find the strength to keep that up?

[ClingingToHope]

People generally dread Mondays. I actually look forward to them now. My life feels almost normal Monday through Thursday between shuttling the kids around and work. It's the weekends that are so very different.

So I'm back to work and feeling good about the week.

[awest1217]

It is hard every day it is hard, but the key is to focus on your girls. I also would advice not to make either of your daughters the middle men. If W calls to talk about schedule or the girls, you should take the call, and not shuffle through them because that is not good for them. If it is anything else you have a right to say something like "I am glad to hear it, or thank you for telling me, but I need to go now." That way you talk about the important things, your daughters, still have the NC. You don't need your daughters resenting either of you for being put in the middle. Just be careful with that. Otherwise day by day and don't plan too far ahead because you never know what the future may bring.