I live right by Notre Dame in Mishawaka, but I am looking forward to a good weekend. I read something interesting this morning how in a marriage it is very important for a woman to be gentle, loving, receptive, soft, etc. and a man to be more harsh. It is funny because OW always lets H do everything for her, but I have never been that way. H came home saying he wanted things the way they were before he left, but I think I need to act more feminine and show that I do need him even if I can handle it on my own, I would rather not. H has to become the man in our relationship and I think that will help him stop the OW thing. At least somethign for me to think about.
Clinging- kind of goes along with your last post. W liked to take care of you because that is a feminine trait and not allowing it hurt the feminine side.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Yes. I wanted to be the super husband who never needed help. I smothered her big time. And when it I didn't get what I wanted -- the happily ever after continual romance, which doesn't exist -- I'd withdraw and get angry for a few days. Then I'd go back to Mr. Perfect.
I see it so clearly now. I had too much pride to ask for help and I'd read magazine articles about how you had to stay close to your spouse, be romantic. That just made things worse.
I'm really struggling with whether I should offer my W a low-cost divorce, put the ball in her court, or wait things out through the winter. I haven't really used the LRT consistently. I've tried to talk her into counseling four times in five months.
I think perhaps I should at least give it through my lease here, end of January, with the NC except for important kids stuff. I've got it set up where I almost never have to see her because I can pick the kids up when she's not there and put them on the bus in the morning without having to go over there.
You said it was two months with your H and all of a sudden there he was.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Actually I started reading DR in August and finished the beginning of September so yeah he came back in a month, but he came back right after I said I was going to talk to a lawyer and he could check that I wasn't bluffing because the records can be seen online. I really think him coming home was just saying he didn't want to let go yet, but he doesn't want to be a husband either. I was really headed towards divorce, even asking my sister to borrow a ring so I could wear it instead of my wedding ring because I saw no point in continuing the charade, then that same weekend after no real talking and no seeing each other for 2 weeks, H came home. I don't know if it was because he missed us or if he just wanted to not lose his "family", or if he just didn't want to lose his fall back option because I was no longer going to stand in limbo, or he honestly wants to give it another try. I guess with me either way I have to be thankful that at least he came home., but the hard part is putting what I have learned into practice with him here.
I am listening better by not cutting him off, but I retort when he says something to deliberately hurt me when I really should just say that hurts and not keep score. I snoop, which I am having a horrible time stopping (any suggestions out there to help me stop). I am having a horrible time of forgiving, but I keep saying he hasn't stopped yet so why should I forgive. I have to show him I have changed and I am doing that slowly. He is pushing me on the changes because he refuses to make the decisions (although the reason he left was because he said I was too. controlling). He pushes just the right buttons to get me to go into our usual fights so he can say "I tried, but she has not changed", although he has not changed either. I constantly ask him about our relationship and going to counseling and I shouldn't, but I WILL CHANGE AND I WILL SHOW HIM I AM A CONFIDENT YET LOVING WOMAN. It is just such a fine line for me and so hard since I have been in charge since I was 10 and my dad died. I have watched my mother be abused by two husbands and don't like being vulnerable because I will get hurt, but that is what love is. It is getting hurt. If you don't leave everything out there then you haven't truly loved. This is what I am doing now. Leaving everything out on the field and seeing what happens, if I leave all on the line and we still get a divorce I have at least done everything possible.
Tomorrow will be the 1st of my hardest tests, but I will make it through, and hopefully by venting here I will be able to gain my energy to be enthusiastic around H, show him love yet leave him to show it back and not make him do it.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Funny because last night he said he left the game early and walked around campus to think. He said he doesn't want to try and hasn't been, DUH, and thinks he should just leave. I said ok, but maybe he should try getting some help before he left and ruined everything, especially because he might regret it later. He cried a lot but I said it was all up to him. To top things off while he was gone I moved everything around in hte bedroom to match what he wanted and I made him a peach cobbler which he loves. He said he does not deserve me loving him and feels bad about me doing all of this just for him to leave. I said oh well that is what you do when you love someone.
Now he is "sick" and probably wants me to stay home to take care of him. I am thinking, why should I, you will probably leave tomorrow anyway so why should I not go to something I am looking forward to (we are having a friends day with a 50s theme)? But at the same time, he is my husband and going is probably sealing my fate because he will say I am not taking care of him or making him a priority. Decisions, Decisions.
I was awesome last night cried a little, but did not beg him to stay. It is up to him and I am done begging. If he wants to go good riddens. If not I am hoping he will start trying or at least go to talk to someone.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
So he went to the game and came straight back? If so, that's good. You can take care of him to a point, give him all he needs to be comfortable, and go. It's good you stopped the begging.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
He left. I am up way to early and went to bed way too late. I am exhausted and can't stop crying. He said he left so he can read DR and begin to apply it and learn about himself without me or OW, but I know she will be there. He just does not want me around. He says he does not want a divorce and does want us to work more than anything. I doubt it.
I sent him an e-mail saying how hurt I am. I said it is like taking a deep wound and it being cut back open. I said how I feel like I am slowly dying. I wish he would have never come home and that I never let him. It hurts so much more now. I am sure at some point I will feel better again. I wish he would have left Friday or Saturday so I had time to get better before work.
H gets to have days off because his grandma passed away. He could take all week off. I am stuck going to work. Dealing wiht my students on teh hardest lab of the year, and dying inside. Plus I have to tell S every time he asks that Daddy is gone again.
It hurts so bad.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Sorry for your pain, but you are right it will get better. Start building a routine that does not involve your H and is filled with things that you really enjoy. Focus on yourself and your son. Work can actually help in that it can take your mind off of things instead of just sitting home thinking about it all day long. Chin up.
After reading e-mail H calls and says wants to come back. Says tired of hurting me. I said I don't know and he said it is either today or never (like he should be giving me ultimatums). He has his grandma's viewing and funeral today. He said he is tired of living in boxes and moving stuff from one place to another. He says he wants to be part of a family. To have me as his wife. He is tired of waking up after a good nights sleep and reading how I am hurting or getting a phone call about how I am hurting. I feel so bad right now because I should have just left him alone. Not talked to him. Not done anything. Just let him go and now he wants to come home because he is mad. I can't handle this again. He did the same thing in May when he first left and every time he has said I am coming home and then doesn't. He says he will come back because that is "what he wants", but then he never does go through with it.
I just don't know what to do. I am hurting so bad, and am scared, and confused, and so many other negative emotions. He told me to get a sub and come straight home to make us work. If I really wanted us to work I would get a sub and help him move back in today. I just want to tell him NO YOU MOVED OUT AGAIN YOU MOVE BACK IN, but if I do he will be gone forever... why does that bother me when he has done nothing but hurt me? Probably because it is fresh. Oh well. Got to work and make a lesson plan for tomorrow to go to the funeral.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
I think your H needs an attitude adjustment. He's the one who had an affair, he's the one who has moved out - more than once I take it - and he's now making demands on you and trying to put you in a now or never scenario. Ask yourself if that is how you want a reconcilliation to begin? It sounds to me like there are some control issues going on here. If you are going to allow him to move back in, think about what boundaries you want to have in place, regarding the OW, counseling, etc.
