Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

Yes. Me too. I look at how she's acting and can't believe she'll ever melt the ice mountain to the point we'd talk about the M. But then there are success stories on here as well as near success stories where at least the WAS made a last ditch effort.

But it's hard to get into the frame of thinking that you're WAS will actually make that effort. I referred to my W before she left as the Ice Maiden - it's still the same. In fact, she's now worse!

Christmas? Who knows. Maybe I'll plan a party for my single coworker friends.

Xmas is a hard one for me too. Working for my own business means I don't really have co-workers. Not got too many friends around here either but I will think about a part of some description.

[sandi2]

What ultimately changed your mind to ask for a second chance and ditch the OM?

Actually, I would have to say when I found this board and reached out for help. I had enough sense to realize I was in trouble. When people here cared enough to tell me what to do instread of telling me what I had done wrong.....then I had the information I needed and gained the strength to do what needed to be done.

[P17]

Update again.

OM has removed the stuff from his Facebook page that I posted about earlier. Hmmm. Maybe he's had second thoughts about his second thoughts.

[P17]

What ultimately changed your mind to ask for a second chance and ditch the OM?

Actually, I would have to say when I found this board and reached out for help. I had enough sense to realize I was in trouble. When people here cared enough to tell me what to do instread of telling me what I had done wrong.....then I had the information I needed and gained the strength to do what needed to be done.

If only my W would be of the same view / opinion. I just don't see her doing that.

Glad you were reminded of what is important in your life. A lot of us, my included, forget that and end up here for the wrong reasons!

[sandi2]

I made that answer a lot shorter than I could have. I have to tell you that coming from a Church going family that I had a lot of spiritual conviction going on in my heart. That was one reason that led me to search the web for some type of help. I was so torn and confussed. I knew I was wrong, but felt so powerless. I found a site that was suppose to be a Christian support site, but all they did was crack jokes back and forth. I was so angry and frustrated that I gave up.....but it all worked out good b/c I found DB. I was blessed to have people (the right ones) to talk to me straight about the chemicals going on in my brain and how the EA was addictive and what kind of man my OM really was......and that was a shock to me, I suppose b/c of the frame of mind I was in.

Thank God I was not attacked by some real bitter and resentful LBS or I may have ducked tail and run for the hills. Guess that is why I try to encourage a WAW when one comes here.

[P17]

Thank God I was not attacked by some real bitter and resentful LBS or I may have ducked tail and run for the hills. Guess that is why I try to encourage a WAW when one comes here.

As I said before I really wish my WAW was of the same mindset as you.

It really couldn't have been easy looking at yourself under the spotlight and both understanding and being critical of your actions. The mind is not very good at being our critic.

It must have taken a LOT of courage to go back to you H and deal with all of the fallout from that. If there were a few more WAS with the same attitude this forum may not be quite as busy.

[P17]

Just a vent just now to get this off my chest.

I am just out of the shower where I do most of my thinking and I was reminded of two things.

The first was that only a few weeks ago my W told me that she'd have to change her driving licence into her married name, the hassle it takes to do it and the cost of it. We have been married for 3.5 years and it's been in her maiden name since then, so why the hurry to do it now? That was about 3 hours after she told me we had no future (surprisingly when I think back to that 'no future' conversation, the D word was never mentioned ... anyway)

The second was in the DR book - don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do.

Those two seem to balance up nicely.

Having a really bad day today. I'm back to the way I was at the start of this - not eating, can't sleep, every dream I have when I do sleep is about her (some nice some not so nice) and she is constantly on my mind. I have tried using the thought stopping but it's only having partial success as there are few thoughts that pop into my mind as my mind is constantly thinking of her.

Anyway, I know I will have good and bad days / weeks. I hope to be better tomorrow.

[P17]

A text from my W asking what the plan is for tomorrow with me and my D and what time do I want her over.

Very nervous about tomorrow. Especially if she tries to talk about the OM moving up or anything else to do with the R. Arwen_in_NJ suggested treating her just like a cousin when it comes to chit chat but not sure what to say if she brings R or OM stuff up - do I just tell her I don't want to discuss R issues or do I let her talk?

I did actually think she was going to cancel tomorrow as I really couldn't see the OM putting up with her coming out with us for the whole day (she will be away from 10am until 7pm with us and then off somewhere until 8.30pm) so she's caught me off hoof.

Anyway, advice appreciated on how to deal with R talk.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

not sure what to say if she brings R or OM stuff up - do I just tell her I don't want to discuss R issues or do I let her talk?

If she brings up R talk, let her talk! The most important thing you can do is listen. Don't get defensive, don't try to justify your feelings or behavior. Just acknowledge and validate what she says, even if you don't agree with her. One of the best phrases you can use when DBing is: "I understand how you can feel that way (or why you would have felt that way)". After all, her feelings are her feelings and they are valid, even if her perception of a situation is different than yours.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

to add to the last-

keep a handle on your emotions. Be careful of coming across as needy, or pleading. Detach, as best as you can. How would you react to what she was saying if it wasn't your W saying it, but someone else? Also, before you say anything to her, think this to yourself: "is what I am about to say going to bring my W closer, push her away, or be neutral"? It is a great guideline to use...