I'm finally caught up and have been away b/c I can no longer go to the site while at work b/c of our new firewall stuff. So, now at work, I simply do work and then try to catch up at home which has obviously been difficult.
Well, things have changed w/stbx, haven't they? However, despite how pleased I am w/his words, I'm w/you in being cautious until he puts these into real, definite action.
His movement away from his job is a very positive thing, indeed. You've begged, but until he was able to see it for himself, he wasn't going to move. Now it seems as if he may finally be "getting it" but again, time will tell.
For now, stay optimistic, but realistic, my friend.
Update: I had a nice weekend. No breakthroughs of any kind. We spent time together with the kids and went out of lunch on Sunday with some friend of his. During the conversation, he kept talking about "us", how I would quit working if what they plan to do works out, how I would be responsible for this and that...
Funny, we dont focus on the kids when we talk. Not as we used to. Something has shifted in that area. THIS is between us now. Seems we both are aware of it now and the kids are no longer "used" as an excuse. Also, he sounds so confident and happy when he talks about "his wife" as if he is no longer involved in a shameful situation, you know?
I am having a hard time. Really need to practice thought stopping and commit to myself that I will go thru this. I feel like I have one foot in one out and depending on my inner thoughts and feelings that change all the time, I want to run or want to stay and fight.
He has been nice and a bit more tender. Dont think of something much but for him, it's progress I have to aknowledge. On Sat night we were out with the kids and we got home late and he stayed over. We slept touching and hugging (not sexually, I am ways away from THAT). But after we put the kids to bed, I had to fight my resrevations and spoke my mind. I dont want this to be a "silent" decision. I told him that unless he does what I asked him for, I am only testing the waters and my ability to cope with the constant stressful thoughts I am having.
He said he knows and he will do it as I asked him to, before the end of this week (he left and will be back tomorrow night).
Sometimes I ... forget. When we laugh and talk normally, for seconds only, but then I feel I SHOULDNT forget. I feel should ALWAYS have it on my mind and be on guard ready for him to f@ck up. I feel I am not supposed to, I am not allowed to relax, even when something simple takes place. Sometimes I catch myself making all sorts of weird connections of the moment I live in with his secret past. I am not worried. I know this is a phase but nevertheless, it is stressful.
I know I cant live under seige. With a threat hanging over my shoulder. And to me, this woman, until he proves himself and his resolution, is a constant threat. I am still very much -more so I should say- determined that unless my "requirements" are met, I am gone. Even after feeling more open towards him and seeing some light at the end of this tunnel. It doenst matter. I am not bending at all. And my fear of sometimes rocking the seemingly quiet sea, is not a match for my desire for an honest relationship. It is not the same process for me. But it makes me feel proud of myself. I am not afraid of throwing it all away if something so important cant/wont be met.
The "something" is what I asked about her and most importantly, a change of attitude that I explained and he understands. I no longer want him to promise me empty promises, I want something deeper. A committment to his own self. Suprisingly, he understands what I am talking about. K
I am glad you had a nice weekend. It is good that you are taking things slow. There is much that he needs to do in truly rebuilding this relationship with you. It will take some time, but if he is sincere he won't mind committing to the lengthy rebuilding process.
I think the big test in the future will be how both of you handle a disagreement. Everyone has bad days. It will be interesting to observe his actions when you have an off day and are cranky.
K, I think I told someone else this the other day....maybe it was you...I don't know, I've lost track. Don't borrow trouble. In other words, stop yourself from looking for problems to arise because inevitably they will. Looking for problems can lead to creating them. Enjoy the time and watch for his changes. The one foot in, one foot out will translate to him and he will stop trying. Think about how you felt when he was half-heartedly piecing. Same thing.
I'm rooting for you K!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
It was me mish. I dont feel like I am borrowing trouble. I feel like I am using my head and heart 50-50%. Ok, maybe 65-35%, ok, 75-25%... But pretending never got me anywhere.
I am fun and funny with him. I show interest, I dont blame/accuse etc. I dont bring the past up much. I was talkative and charmed his friends (he looked proud), I am working my @ss off at work, lost those 2 extra kilos and I am fine with my weight. I am OK, in general. My dad will take his tests back tomorrow that will either cofirm something works or bring us sadness, I am not stoping my life. But I cant pretend I have all I want or believe I will any time soon. k
Hey it certainly isn't easy but you will need to decide soon if you are all in or not just like your H will. I really hope that it works out the right way for your family. Sometimes you do have to let the heart lead so that you can heal.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thats all sounds great? Good you saw friends and had a fun night out together!
Hey I'm with Mish and Kat.. maybe you just have to pay attention to the good stuff and push the bad thoughts gently away for now. But yes, you will have questions and want answers, of course. Dont forget the key principle there though (and the advice you gave me!).. you have to have some good times first, fun, romance, do some rebuilding and you get to stage 4 - recommittment.. THEN its safe to go back over the past. Plus he needs to know its safe to talk openly too.. my bf was very concerned in the early days that if he opened up and fessed up too much too soon, I may not want him back ! You have to take account of that too, despite his pride at winning you back, he may still feel a little skittish about your reactions?
Wow though K, look how far you came. Remember what we said, after everything thats happened, a 3 year affair, a 2 year separation, all the hurt and the messiness of it and yet.. the basic, soulful connection you share is still intact (ok, stretched) and the love is still there. Amazing huh?? xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I can sure understand why things would be very hard for you, even if things were going perfectly! It sounds to me like you are doing really well. You are aware of yourself, and you seem to be able to separate the thoughts that are in your head from the things that he/you are really doing. And I think the fact that you are "feeling" that he is different is very hopeful. Of course it is a long road, and tehre is no telling if he can stick to it, or not. But, knowing what he stands to gain, I would like to think that he is pretty motivated, finally.
Watch and listen, and have a talk with your little voice now and then. Give him the opportunities he nees to show you he means what he says. Understand it weill take time, but that doesn't mean he gets a free pass.
I hope you get good news on your dad. I'm thinkng of you.
