Thanks Optimist. Wish I would have listened better.
Last night I think I f****d up. I initially wanted to comment on how nice it was to get along & I said, "what do you think is helping?" and he said, "having a week to myself." He says that he doesn't get enough time to himself and that when we are together at home he feels like he can't go to another part of the house to do his own thing. I said, that there are times when I encourage him to do other things, like practice his guitar which he never does and always says that he needs to do more of. I said that I thought my attitude has changed and I got the old, "it's only been 1 week."
I really feel like giving up. I said that it wasn't necessarily the quantity of time that we spend together, but the quality. I said I feel like I get the scraps-he has time and energy to do fun stuff with his friends, then when he is with me, it's 2 hours here or there, and he has no energy. He said he would like to do more outings, but a lot of the time it has turned into a disaster. I say, ok, i understand, but try me. Let me know if you need space, or whatever. I said I too like to sometimes be alone and that sometimes I go into another room and he comes in after me. he says that is because usually there is something wrong.
He said he did miss me spending time away. So, what, now I'm just a lay? All this time I've wanted more sex, but I want emotions too. !! I feel like I can't stand him right now. Why is he married to me if he needs so much time to himself? I asked if he ever thinks about being separated or divorced and he nodded yes. He said that once it's over though, it's over.
I don't know what to do right now, but to go on with my life. Like Mike said, I need to expect nothing. and that really means NOTHING!! I feel like I should NEVER be around. Am I supposed to wait around until he FEELS like being around me? I've been acting happy, but a little quiet the last couple days.
He says he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me b/c I have enough going on with myself and my own probs. I say I like to listen to him-it helps get my mind off of ME.
I feel like I'm going to explode. He is out working on a car right now and I don't know what is going on later. Usually we ride bikes w/his friend and have dinner out. I asked if he wanted to go with friend himself tonight and he said, "why?" I said,just giving you the option. he said he didn't know. Well, do I just leave and do something else? What am I a f'ing dog??? I'm sorry, but this hurts and I am afraid I am going to start something.
You want it and you want it now. Sorry to be blunt but if you do not curb your impatience and give him a little space it is him who is going to quit, not you. You cannot pretend to undo in 1 week all that has been going on for the life of your R.
There are NO quick fixes. This is not for wimps. The problem as I see it is that if you leave now and look for another R that will be perfect, you will find another R but it will not be perfect. There is not such a thing as the perfect R or perfect love. Only God is perfect (if you believe in him).
You have to realize that it is YOUR JOB to make yourself happy, not your family's not your H's. You have to learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company before you can attempt to change anything in your R. Your H will eventually realize you have changed and your R may be repaired, but that is not the point. The point is to make you a better person For your own sake.
Another thing I get from your posts is the extremes of happiness and despair. Do you have any problems with depression? You may want to consult your doctor. This extreme emotional lability is pretty typical of what we are going through and there are medications that can help to take the edge of the suffering (do not stop them cold turkey, though).
I am sorry if I sound rough or uncaring. I am not, but being a mother I know that you have to tell things as they are. I have needed the 2 x 4 myself
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Thank you Optimist. I do not think you are being uncaring, but rather, very caring. One of H's biggest complaints is that I am impatient with him. He's been waiting almost 4 years for me to change, and I expect changes in a week, like you said. & like he says: you can't wait longer than 2 weeks!!!
I really wish I would not have opened my mouth!!! He also says he is sick of talking. Hello, K!! LISTEN!!
I do have depression/anxiety and am currently on Wellbutrin. I also take Ativan sometimes like 1/2 -2 mg a day. I should have taken one this morning and believe it or not, I took 2 yesterday!! At least I did not cry when we were talking which is a huge accomplishment. I waited until he wasn't around-like today I went out for sinus med. and straw for my dog houses. i am crying, but trying not to.
We are going to bike ride w/his friend. My face gets very red and blotchy from crying, and I don't want him to know!!
I struggle with my belief in God. I was going strong for a while (got saved in 94), went to church, prayed, but I kinda feel like I gave up. Need to get back in touch with God...and hand things over to him!
I'm not sure I know how to make myself happy. I am trying to do more for myself...
I'd like to ditto everything Optimist told you. Patience and detachment will go a long way in not driving your H away. The more you persue and overreact, the more he will want to pull away--a self-perpetuating kind of misery, isn't it?
You sound like you are having a lot of anxiety over anything that isn't fixed or resolved immediately. Yhink of this process as a very LONG haul. What you can do right now is get a life and try to be your H's friend--to the extent he is comfortable with.
Yes, Talitsa, I do have a lot of anxiety. And i make mountains out of molehills. Like earlier, I was thinking, "what if he NEVER spends time with me? I don't want a husband who is never around. and what happens when (if) we have kids, etc., etc."
My mind goes way out of whack! any suggestions on how to chill out?
I am working on getting a life, but I'm always home by 9 during the week, and sometimes 11 on the weekend. Then i feel anxious when he doesn't get home for hours later.
I'm sure he would really appreciate if I would just be his friend (friends that have sex!!).
Thanks! I'll right to you guys tomorrow. I'm being sneaky now. Oh, btw, we did not go for a bike ride w/friend, but went to lunch and took a nap. Now we are each doing some of our own things-i walked the dogs for a while, and he's making some beer. I think I am going to make a nice dinner tonight. and just chill...
Hell, I was the Queen of Anxiety early on. Some of the things that helped me was to make a concious effort to stop obsessing and I mean stop. I believe it is addressed in detail in DB, but when you find yourself obsessing, literally picture a big red Stop Sign. Crude, but effective.
Next, don't say let the thoughts just pop down from your head and out your mouth like a gumball machine. If you find yourself reacting to something your H says or does or some way that you have freaked yourself out--don't say anything right then.
Sit with what you want to say for a day while you examine WHY you are freaking out. What got triggered in you? After some self-examination, if you still feel that you need to say something...sit with it for another day.
Ask yourself if what you want to say will get you closer to your goal or farther away from it. Is what you want to say going to sound panicky and pleading? Reword it. Is what you want to say likely to put your H on the defensive or feel blamed? Reword it.
P.S. I'm sure that others here will have some other great suggestions.
Thanks for the tip. I'll have to make an extremely conscientious effort for that one.
Feeling like crap today. We got into in some yesterday about money. We keep our checking accounts separate-he pays the house payment, I pay the utilities. He pays for when we eat out most of the time, and I pay for groceries. I have a lot of dr. bills and school bills and credit cards that I have yet to pay off. He has credit cards to pay off. Well, I thought I could afford to have a car payment and bought a truck. H helped me by going to Pennsylvania a couple times, and then once at home, he had to fix a couple major things. Well, I told him I wanted to sell it. He was somewhat upset b/c we had an old SUV that he just sold. Now we won't have a truck of any sort. I told him I didn't think about that a couple weeks ago and that he said the SUV was too old, so I thought he didn't want to keep it. Anyhow, I put the blame on him for not helping me with my finances and for acting like he didn't want to work on my car anymore. He said, that if I couldn't do it, he could have worked on the car or the SUV and would have understood.
He had previously agreed to put my name on his checking account, but hasn't done so and he told me he didn't want me harping on it. I said, "well, I thought you already agreed to do it, but you never use checks, so it would be a while." and he said that he was in no hurry in case we split up it would be one less thing to worry about. OUch!
First we agreed on talking for 5 min, but it ended up being more like 35, and when I blamed him, he got defensive and said it was time to stop talking.
I asked if we could snuggle, he said yes, we went to bed, but were reading not snuggling. then we put our books down and i went to him and he made a comment about sex, so we had sex! Usually after ANY altercation/confrontation/discussion, he doesn't want anything to do with me.
This morn I apologized for not being more cooperative and for blaming him. He was glad I admitted it. I said I would like to talk about money with him, but I am embarrassed, but, oc that is my prob. not his.
Anyhow, I still feel contempt for him and am still blaming him for our probs. Sometimes I wish he would act more like a "partner" and put the effort into our r. But he is waiting for me to get better before he does. so i think, How can I get better if he is not helping? I suppose that is wrong, and you all are welcome to give me the 2X4. I think that if I feel this way towards him that I should stay away from him. I'm afraid I will start something and continue to damage our r.
I love him, but I'm having a really hard time feeling like I can't do this right and that he should be "trying" more. It's supposed to just take one of us, right? And the ball is in my court. I'm feeling very discouraged right now. I'm not sure I can make these changes.
Quote: We got into in some yesterday about money. We keep our checking accounts separate-he pays the house payment, I pay the utilities. He pays for when we eat out most of the time, and I pay for groceries. I have a lot of dr. bills and school bills and credit cards that I have yet to pay off. He has credit cards to pay off.
Well at least my H and me aren't the only ones with this kind of financial arrangement! This was one my number one problem and lead to my unhappiness in our M. It always made me feel like we were two married people living like single people.
I'm on your side with the putting your name on the account. Even though things balanced out between H and me, well not really, it would have made me feel more connected as a couple of we jointly agreed on purchases, etc.
My husband and I had a joint account throughout our marriage begining.
I think it contributed to our problems, because finance is a big issue for him. And I spent our money frivlously.
Now that we've been separated for a year, we've had separate checking. I've become much more responsible financially and he's asked me to help him set up a budget! And he and I are both happier this way.
I'm not trying to argue with you, but give you a different perspective.
I have needed the 2 x 4 myself 
And he and I are both happier this way.