W just told me she wants out

[Bobby]

W just told me she wants out, and it sounds like all the other stories in here. She has been in touch with an old classmate and feel like she would enjoy doing things he enjoys.Not sure she ever felt "that way" about me.When we did do things together it wasn't fun. Says been going through the motions for years.
I was on here 3 years ago on MLC section. during that time I gave her space. but moticed most of her activities didn't include me.
She agreed to go to MC for me,but said "why so they can tell me how I should feel".
This forum helped me stay sane before so I'll be back to read this and other post.
I just don't know how anything can change as cold as she is to me.She loves me, thinks I'm a sweetheart, but feels we are just friends. There's alot of good people on here and I thank you in advance for your support.
Me-48
W-44

[HelpMe!]

Bobby,

I'm with you, man. I have a WAS who has told me several times that it is over. We've been to counseling and tried in the past, but it was I that didn't change. I know she isn't the problem. I'll admit that there is blame on both sides, but my inaction was what lead to my current situation, which is headed toward divorce.

I've givern her space and let her go. It's the toughest thing I have ever done, but I did it.

I guess my advice to you would be to look critically at yourself. You both obviously fell in love with eachother in the past. Why was that? If you can find what she fell in love with before, you can focus on rekindling those attributes in yourself.

It's tough, and you need to be honest with yourself, it's what I am doing now, but it might be too late for me...no idea yet. No papers filed, but for the last few weeks it has been "any day now".

Hang in there, we are not alone.

[Bobby]

Thanks HelpMe. I know I made mistakes years ago like not telling her how much I really loved her but that doesn't work now.

M-48
W-44
M-26 years

[Bobby]

Any soothing words of wisdom.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hey Bobby - sorry that you find yourself back here but as you do, I am guessing that you have already read DB or DR? Five Love Languages and Why Men Talk and Women Walk are also amongst the DB'ing Bibles for us to read and inwardly digest.

You don't give us any information on where you are at right now in terms of your W - has she left or is she still at home? The more info you can give, the more appropriate will be your advice. In the meanwhile, let me give you my 'catalogue' of quotes that I have compiled over the months and see if any of it helps you - it will surely save a lot of reading even though I do suggest you hop on to other people's threads to see what is happening in their worlds .... most of us are in the same boat in one way or another. Our M are on the rocks - it's just the circumstances that may be slightly different. That means that there's a whole heap of support and understanding here for you.

Hang in there and just start reading for a while. Do NOTHING right now and give your W space ..... don't react to her and don't get angry, pursue, weep, try to change her mind. It DOES NOT work. Tell her instead that it is her choice and you will respect it - then get ready to go to work, for there's lots to be done. Please change the gender here to suit your situation:

H is viewing through the lense of someone who has already decided to leave and is looking for evidence to back that decision up. He only sees the bad right now.

STOP REACTING. If you do react, WAH is STILL WINNING. Stop it NOW.

It's not up to you to meet all of their needs. Rather, your job is to love this person, honor, and respect them. You're not their parent or problem-solver.


When you have interaction with your H, be interested, but don't pursue him.

Know that it is a long row to hoe.

Detach, until he feels you are gone. That is what will "shake things up"

Detachment is a choice. Detachment can be faked (and should be if necessary) Detachment has more to do with the WS's perception than it does with your own feelings of being detached. Doesn't matter as much whether you "feel" you are detached as long as the WS perceives that you are.

I can't do XYZ - already have plans - maybe another time?

If you choose ow then so be it. I am fine without you and as a matter of fact, I think it's for the best (me dumping him)

Firm, strong, confident, resolved

This is your mess, you need to clean it up. My patience won't last forever

I've worked for my marriage - changed attitudes, beliefs ME. I have invested time energy and focus.

Short, blunt, mysterious


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


Finding peace in oneself makes us whole. We can't successfully live with another if we can't live by ourselves. We can't successfully love another if we can't love ourselves. The point isn't whether D is right its that you'll be happy, healthy and strong no matter which path your marriage ultimately follows.

[futureunknown]

Hi Bobby-

Welcome to the forum. This is a great place to vent and get ideas and support for your situation. Your situation doesn't sound entirely different from the way mine was a couple years ago.

Have you read the books Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? DR is the newer of the two and is considered slightly superior. Those books will describe where your wife is and how she got there. From what you describe, I don't think MC is going to help, and will likely just push your W farther away. Get DR, read it, and start implementing the strategies there. Also, read up on some of the longer term situations here to get a feel for how these things go. Each situation is unique, but it's amazing how many similarities there are as well. I think there is a pretty big difference between the walk away husbands and the walk away wives, so I'd concentrate on the WAW stories.

There is a poster here named sandi2. She often posts a big list of don't for husbands in your situation. If you search for her postings, you should be able to find the list. Read it and live it.

You're at the beginning of a long journey. Don't think anything is going to happen quickly. Just resign yourself to the fact that this is going to take a long time or you will be continually frustrated. There is a saying "Don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do." I have lived this myself for going on two years now and that saying is dead on right, but it may take a year before you see it yourself.

Hang in there and good luck!

[futureunknown]

Absolutely hilarious! While I was typing my post, Eskimo Nell found the list and posted it for you! This board is awesome!

[Bobby]

W said she has been detaching from me for a couple of year.
She needs to get out but I'm trying to talk her into a place on her own instead of her friends house. There's something she's missing in her life and another man that she hasn't known very long isn't the answer. She admitted she doesn't think it would be good either but has no where to go.
I went away to my daughters overnight and when I saw W at home the next evening I had small conversations about daughters life and just chit chat while we ate.
She said we need to talk, I said what possibly could you have to say, I know you want to leave. She thought since I was talking I thought everything was ok.
After listening to her for a while I told her if she wants to go now just leave. And she looked stunned, just sat there.It's like she wanted me to be miserable.
I was stress free at my daughters and it carried over.
So that's where I'm at. I have a prelimanary appointment at a MC. Should I cancel.

[antlers]

Finding peace in oneself makes us whole. We can't successfully live with another if we can't live by ourselves. We can't successfully love another if we can't love ourselves. The point isn't whether D is right its that you'll be happy, healthy and strong no matter which path your marriage ultimately follows.

I've seen this list many times here on this board, but I especially like, and agree with, this part.

[Gardener]

Bobby, also check out The Walk Out Woman by Stephens and Grey. Written for the woman, but there's a lot in there for men, too.

Oh, and Eskimo Nell: I hadn't heard of Why Men Talk And Women Walk.
I'll check it out. Thanks.