Thanks to both of you for the advice. I'd agree that in a very real sense I was the WAS; there are issues on both sides but I checked out and decided not to work on them. And in many ways I DID tell her "I told you so" many times, not in so many words but the thought was there!
Anyway, I've been away from this site for a while so here's an update on my sitch:
I started counseling, to help me deal with depression and other issues related to the "why" of the divorce, and what I could do to be a better man. My ex-wife knows I want R but doesn't want to talk about it or the M yet. So, I detached as well as I could (we have contact several times a week due to parenting and grandparenting deals).
Over the last 2 weeks our friendship has, I guess I could say, begun to regrow. We've started doing things together, lunch, dinner, movies, even signed up for cake decorating classes. I drove her to my son's soccer game (about 2 1/2 hours away) yesterday and we spent some time shopping in the little tourist town the game was in. Long story short, I've let her take the lead and done my best to be a better friend to her. She apparently likes the progress I'M making on my end. If things are still going well she's moving back home at the end of the year. We'll start, at least the plan at this time is, with separate bedrooms. And we'll both work towards the same goal, that being reconciliation. She understandably wants to take it slow, and so do I. Hopefully we can both identify the issues that got between us and make it work; no guarantees but I have a lot more hope now and a renewed sense of what we can accomplish together.
Not exactly by the book, but whatever works and we both seem happy with this arrangement for now. Not a divorce busted, but well on the way to getting there.
I'm a little flabbergasted by the speed this whole thing is developing. I had convinced myself that this could take years and had committed to a long road and lots of setbacks possibly. I've been taking a long hard look at myself and have identified several issues I need to work on, and she agrees with my assessment so far. I'm not concerned about her issues at this time; I've discussed couples counseling if this continues to progress and she isn't ruling that out though it is too far in the future for her to want to discuss yet so I'll bide my time and work on myself.
Anyway, I would have given up if not for DR, and this and another site. The support and advice from everybody is just awesome. 75 days from D to talk of R on both sides.
I'll be back as things develop. Thanks to all of you, I love you guys!
Now, if I can just keep from screwing things up again....
Ron
M: 47 W: 50 D: 19 S: 16 Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son) Married: 10/2/89 Divorced: 7/31/09 XW moved back home 11/12 Re-married 5/25/10
Wow! That was fast and that is great for you guys! My only concern, as is yours is her issues, because if they were a problem before they may come up again, or you might suppress them and blow up later...maybe, before she moves back in, you can both go to M counseling. Make sure you have a great counselor that believes in solutions, not blame because at some point you'll both have to face conflicts, or whatever life throws at you and you dont want to fall into any old patterns....
Looking forward to hearing about your progress : )
Thanks, Mar. I agree that I can't be the only one to work on myself, or us; she'll need to be part of that process. She has expressed a willingness to go to counseling, and that's a big part of what I need to see for this to work. I felt in the beginning that we were at an impasse in so many areas, and that really is what led to the divorce. It should never have gotten that far but, since it did, I felt that someone needed to make concessions in order for the healing to begin and I love her so much I wasn't going to be too proud to start taking the necessary steps, at least on my end. Started with those baby steps and suddenly there's this huge leap! Keep us in your prayers!
Ron
M: 47 W: 50 D: 19 S: 16 Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son) Married: 10/2/89 Divorced: 7/31/09 XW moved back home 11/12 Re-married 5/25/10
This sounds awesome! Keep it up, and keep those hopes on the low key and what ever you do, do not set expectations. It's a shame it came down to D for you two, but for some couples, that is what it takes.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Yeah, I think we're both starting to see things we wouldn't face before. Had her over for dinner tonight. We talked, and we are both wanting to go slow and do it right this time. I know she likes the changes I am making in myself but she wants to make sure it will last. Can't blame her, and I want to see us BOTH go to C, individually and as a couple eventually.
Ron
M: 47 W: 50 D: 19 S: 16 Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son) Married: 10/2/89 Divorced: 7/31/09 XW moved back home 11/12 Re-married 5/25/10
Well, it sounds like you're on track for good things. You know what you need to do, so just do it, and do it for your self. Everything else is a bonus.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Latest in my sitch. Had a really good couple of days with my XW; she stayed at my house last night. I'm definitely letting her decide the pace on things. Tonight, as she was leaving for her place, she kissed me and said she'd like to move back home by Thanksgiving. And she'd like to share the same bedroom.
I, of course, agreed that that would be just fine!
Ron
M: 47 W: 50 D: 19 S: 16 Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son) Married: 10/2/89 Divorced: 7/31/09 XW moved back home 11/12 Re-married 5/25/10
Thats really great! I'm so happy for you and hope I can tell that story someday... Has there been any talk on a good counselor before that happens, or at least to start, the last thing you guys want to do is fall back into the same pattern as before and end up back where you once were...
