Changing Man

[Gardener]

Well, finally something wonderful in this year from hell:

Mrs. Gardener just called. Her D,31 (BestStepDaughterInTheWorld) gave birth to Adeline this morning, 6:30 CST, 7.3 lbs. 20"! Everybody happy, healthy, rosey and fine.

i thank you God for most this amazing
day,for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural, which is infinite which is YES

e e cummings

[C-Bart]

Welcome Adeline!

Congrats Gardener on the new addition.

[givingitmyall]

Well, finally something wonderful in this year from hell:

Mrs. Gardener just called. Her D,31 (BestStepDaughterInTheWorld) gave birth to Adeline this morning, 6:30 CST, 7.3 lbs. 20"! Everybody happy, healthy, rosey and fine.

i thank you God for most this amazing
day,for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural, which is infinite which is YES

e e cummings

Thats great man. Congratulations!!

[Gardener]

Heavy, Ironic Journaling,

So, every year I go on a Christian retreat for a weekend. Have been for 23 years running.

Last few years, they've had us write ourselves a letter, summing up our experience and listing our hopes for growth - spiritual and otherwise - for the coming year. Write an envelope addressing it to ourselves and sealing it. The retreat staff then collects them and mails them to us next year a few weeks before our next retreat. Got mine yesterday. Forgot all about it (always do). Opened it eagerly to see what last year's Gardener had to say.

Last year's Gardener described the beautiful day while I was writing me. Discussed some spiritual insights of the weekend. One or two deep touching moments and then at the end wrote: "And this is the retreat you didn't want to go to, remember? Out-of-sorts because things are not quite right at home. Not bad. Just not right. Not connected. That's not us. Gotta get home and talk to (Mrs. G)." Further down I wrote, "Gotta go see (Gardener Family Doctor). This worry in my head is more than that. It's crushing me, paralyzing me. Something's wrong.'

And finally,"So how'd that talk with (Mrs. Gardener) go? How did the heart-to-heart, the counseling, the whatever go? How are you and (Mrs. Gardener) doing today, one year later?"

Went home, renewed by the retreat to talk to my wife. She began the conversation first with the Bomb, "I've gotten an apartment."

At least I went to my Dr. and got the Depression diagnosis and got that under control.

Just so weird getting that letter from "me" yesterday, written optimistically one year ago about two hours before I drove home to The Bomb.

Not going on retreat this year.

[Dia]

I positively *adore* babies.

Congrats, and I wish we (you!) could post pictures!

[C-Bart]

Not sure if I understand why you are not going to the retreat this year. Seems like that is something you enjoyed in the past. Why not continue.

[Serenity13]

Congrats Gardener (((Hugs)))

I am with C-Bart - Why aren't you going this year? Might be the best thing for you at this point in time.

[Gypsy]

Hey.. G'Man..

Great things come in small packages. Congratulations on your grandbaby. Any plans to visit? *hugs*

Ahem..

Buddy..

Fella..

C'monnnnnnnnnn...

Last year's letter shows something big to me.

The G'Man has a great bullshit meter. Yeah.. Uh Huh.. Oh Yesss..

Something was realllllly wrong last year well before the bomb, before the retreat. You felt it. Your body tried to tell you through the depression.

The retreat was GREAT! You were able to recognize significant issues.. something being off, wanting to share more with your wife. It's just that she'd skedaddled by the time you got home.

Repeat after me. Retreats with like minded people are good, very good. Not going to it is like yanking out a perfectly good flower after weeds start flourishing around it. Oh, yeah.. or like throwing out the baby with the bathwater! Don't get me on my soapbox because you know how long it takes to get me off, buddy!

There's enough hurt in the world without becoming masochistic.

*hugs*

[Steve McQueen]

Hijack Alert,
Steve McQueen and Puppy.
With no proof and no signs (she lives 7 miles away now) I still never shook the gut feeling that my wife was/is having an affair. 3 Months phone records from PI showed nothing. PI says next step is PI attaching GPS to wife's car for one week ($) or surveillance ($$$). If either of you would care to look at my first thread ("Jumping in (first post") and some of my initial sitch descriptions and give me your take, I would be very grateful.
Also, tips on safe snooping would be appreciated.
End Hijack Alert

Sure, I will hit on this one.

Firstly, how are your mediation sessions going? Do you feel you are getting the 'best possible' deal out of this divorce or are you taking the Mr. Nice Guy approach to the division of your assets, personal property, and retirement funds hoping for an improbable turn of events at the last minute? Hoping for a change of Mrs. Gardener's heart and mind because Gardener is willing to give up the farm to make her happy in the divorce? (Surely, she will appreciate it, take it, and think what a great guy, too bad the marriage didnt work out. bye.) Is that your goal?

Do you feel you will leave this marriage greatest level of financial security possible?

That should be your most important concern right now.

Secondly, does it even matter anymore if she has a boyfriend? or two? or if she's a lesbian or even a nun? She moved out of the house almost a year ago. That is a long period of time for personal growth and reflection. If she hasn't reflected and committed on the importance of coming back home and working on the marriage but rather continued to push for divorce, she has her mind made up on what SHE wants out of the rest of her life.

Third point, and most important. When are you going to start doing what WORKS. When I was at the most confused point in my marriage a group of guys 10 to 15 years younger than me took me out for drinks and an advice session. What they said was reitterated to me on this site; and what they said to me has been echoed over and over on this site to work in recovering a marriage at the brink of divorce.

Just let her go. Who cares what she does. She is not doing good by you so why are you hanging on. Just leave her alone. Go out find yourself someone new and let her become the one pursuing you. And you want to know what. IT WORKED. As soon as she realized I no longer had the time nor the care to bend over backwards to make sure she was getting what she wanted, when she wanted. She sought it out. And when I wasnt available, she pursued more. Then when she must have realized that very probably someone new was in the picture, the tune of 'I really dont need you' turned into 'I would like to do something with you.' Problem was I didnt any longer. And the longer I have held out recommiting to this relationship the more I am becoming certain she is serious about recommiting rather than just testing to see if I am a push over who was only willing to stand up for himself for a short period of time.

So, tips on safe snooping? maybe its time she starts to have to have the need to do the snooping. Get her to toe the line.

[ClingingToHope]

I would second the call on "Don't Snoop." Really, what good does it do to know? And it makes you feel weak. I snooped a lot early on and am trying to not know anything now. My focus is filling up my time.