Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

I've done a bunch of work on myself since last December, and everybody that has anything to do with me appreciates that work...except her.

Hi Antlers-

She will be the absolute last one to accept your changes, because she was the one who bore the brunt of your old ways.

I don't want to give you false hope. It sounds like you've resigned yourself to the reality that you're getting a D, and I think that's exactly where you need to be. However, realize that in my situation my W also completely ignored my changes for a long long time, and she was pushing the legal stuff too. Was so frustrating for me, because I KNEW my changes were real, but she just ignored them, and kept telling me the same things (we're all wrong for each other, I don't feel anything for you, go find someone else, etc).

Even just last week, when the notion of reconciling started to be in the air, she STILL was saying those things, although finally I could tell even she didn't believe them any more. It's like she'd been clinging to those things to keep her strong, and even as her walls were coming down, she was still weakly throwing them out there. Like at the end of "When Harry Met Sally" when Sally said crying "That's just like you Harry, you say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you, and I hate you Harry, I hate you..." then she finally gave up her anger and they embraced and kissed.

For the first time, my W today said she could see I'm different now, and that she likes who I am, but she needs time to make sure the changes stick.

Even if you choose to hang in and wait, you need to get the attention of some other women. That will do wonders for your self confidence. You don't have to do any more than you're comfortable with, but just talking and being friendly is harmless, and if they reciprocate, it does feel good, and makes you realize your life isn't over. I agree with GIMA's whole list.

If you're M was as bad as you say it was, you need to just let time pass. If your W wants to pursue the D, try to treat the legal stuff as just some annoying tedious thing you have to do. It really isn't as connected to the emotional situation as you think. Many people reconcile right before signing the final D papers, and many reconcile afterwards.

Hi futureunknown-

I hadn't looked at it that way...thanks. That makes sense.

I don't want to have false hope. I have resigned myself to the fact that she's divorcing me...kinda hard not to! I've been served, and I've received the discovery documents requests from her attorney. That's "confronting the most brutal facts of your current reality". I know my changes are real too. She's told me all that stuff too.

There is no notion of reconciling at all and never has been from her. It seems like she has to maintain her anger and negative feelings in order to justify, or help her to take, the actions that she continues to take. Her attitude towards me fluctuates over the months...extreme anger, then a little softening, then anger again, and now she's at the extreme end again.

She said when she sees me, she still sees the person who treated her like sh!t all those years, regardless of any changes that I've made.

Maybe you're right about getting the attention of others for the reasons you stated. Getting a boost in self confidence would do me some good.

She was really unhappy for a long time because of the reasons that I've documented extensively in my threads. She left last February, so it's been about 8 months that we've been separated...but she made her mind up to leave long before she actually did. She is definately pursuing the divorce, and this legal stuff is scary and stressful...but I have to do it. What do you mean by "it really isn't connected to the emotional situation as you think"? I'd like it if things would work out, but I don't want to have any false hopes.