Slept with XH, help!!

[Augtan]

Okay, again I appreciate all everyone is saying! But, I never even went into 1. why I moved 2. what I did during my Dbusting 3. how I know I have changed and not for anyone else but ME!!

I moved away because I had no choice, not to punish XH at all. My whole family lives here, we own a company here, we have huge connections here, my XH wasn't helping me, he was letting our house go to foreclosure and I would have had no where to go, I could go on and on, but believe me they were reasons that made it all necessary. He knew the kids would be better off here, he helped me pack the house, load the truck, etc. He could have cared less we were leaving until we were really gone.

When I was still living there and he had moved out (was lying and lying to me that he wasn't with her but deep inside I knew he was)that is when I was doing Dbusting and yes, I think 2 years is a pretty long time to put up with what I put up with!!
I did all it said and I got no results at all. But, I knew I had done enough, changed enough and given it my all, and again...FOR ME. I completely changed the way I reacted to everything in my life, I changed the way I talked to him, treated him, etc. I changed how I handled the kids, the house, our finances, and I am still doing it!! I am not not even close to the person I was before all this and I don't think anyone could be who went thru all this. I am not waiting for him to come home, in fact I don't want him to come home to me. And, yes, I do expect him to move where his kids are after all he put us through and did to us. Am I bitter? Probably a litte and rightfully so!! But, do I show him that (no) and am I working on that (you bet!!). He can move here, he works from home and let our house go, so if it weren't for her he most likely would move here. I don't blame her, totally, at all, he is a grown man who made the choices he did, but something happened when he let her in his life, cause he went for Jeckle to Hyde overnight!!

I slept with him because I wanted to, I never in a million years thought it would make him come back to me!! That was not at all the motive. I felt good afterward and still do. I have had sex with him a thousand times so one more isn't going to be earth-shattering!!

I have to leave work and will edit this when I get home...thanks!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I slept with him because I wanted to

That should have been the only reason. It is the best reason.

I have spent countless hours trying to convince him he made a bad decision

Please tell that you still do not do this crap. At all...anymore. That this was something you did at the begining...because if you were doing this during your 2 years of DBing then you certainly weren't DBing. Please tell us that you still don't do this.

I just plan to leave him alone, leave her alone, and keep doing GAL

That is a good plan.
You WILL have to talk to him because of children, that is your opportunity to SHOW him that you have changed. Just...don't
f-ing nag him about bad choices. Or scream or fight...pretty sure that is the old you he is used to.

[Augtan]

I did the best I could during those two years, but I wasn't perfect at it and I did spend hours telling him why he should be with us and not her. We did rehash it all when he was here, but it was both of us and like I said we both yelled, cried, etc. He is miserable and I know it, I have been with him for 21 years, I can look in his eyes see it. I did tell him too many times what bad choices he made, told him he was making a mistake and why, and I know it didn't help, but I am an extremely emotional person especially when it comes to my kids and all he was CHOOSING to do to them!! It literally drove me crazy at times. Mostly I would vent to my friends who have been through it and that helped a lot.

Funny, I was IMing with my sister telling her some of it, not about the sex, but how we layed in bed together in the hotel watching TV, I touched his back for over an hour, which he loves, we talked and it was really good. She said that she was sickened that I touched him after all he has done and said how much everyone can't stand him and would never accept him again after all he has done to us, that he deserves to cry, he caused it all and should feel bad for life. I have three sisters and my parents who would have me committed if I went back to him. We are a very close family and we are very protective of each other. If we ever wanted to get back together this would be one of the biggest obstacles!! My Dad would be the only one who might come around, if my XH really went to him and asked forgivness for all he did. But, honestly how do you ever trust someone who not only fooled you once but twice, lied, betrayed everything you ever thought was real, etc. I don't want to live the rest of my life having no peace at all because I am constantly worried he is cheating on me!! He cheated on me, his wife, now he cheated on his Ho with me, he is a cheater. I am a very confused person!! I think I miss my life when it was good with him, I miss my friends, I miss being married, part of a couple, I miss getting in bed and having him there, the other him, not the one here now. We have only been divorced 5 months and we are still adjusting. I am being the better person than OM, I know what she is and what she has done to her XH and son. She gave her son up and moved to be closer to my married husband when I had no idea she existed and he had no intention of leaving me. She is crazy and one day he will see that, it just breaks my heart it will be after he has missed countless moments with his kids that he can never get back.

Thanks again everyone, your advice means so much to me. Just having a place to vent and being told some things I need to hear is great!!

A

[Jack_Three_Beans]

But, honestly how do you ever trust someone who not only fooled you once but twice, lied, betrayed everything you ever thought was real, etc. I don't want to live the rest of my life having no peace at all because I am constantly worried he is cheating on me!! He cheated on me, his wife, now he cheated on his Ho with me, he is a cheater.

How indeed?

Broken trust is rebuilt VERY slowly or you are a fool.

If he was to ever come back you would need to forgive him...and when I say that I say that as a guy, so what I am about to say might offend some ladies...and some guys.

Not to be brought up at a later date or later fight if you say you have forgiven him. Not to be used as ammo to win an argument, none of that bull crap. Forgive and move on.

If you cannot, don't waste your time.

As for your family and friends, you better be willing to take a stand and tell them to back off on him if he does come around. Let go for you and your family not some over inflated sense of outrage they feel you should be feeling, but since you aren't they'll pick up the slack.

[Augtan]

So, I know I made a mistake tonight, I can't help it sometimes. XH called my cell phone, I told him I was upset he was mad at me for something I didn't even do and told him that we left it on such good terms and then he goes and freaks at me about something OW ready knew. Well, he says "She is just sick of you two (me and her XH) interfering in our lives" I almost blew a gasket!! She is tired of me messing with her life?? How can she say that with a straight face, she messed with my life to no end for 2 years till she got my husband!! And, she wants me to not mess with her cause it "upsets" her...you have got to be kidding me!! First of all, I didn't mess with her life, I had no idea he would forward that e-mail, second if she wants to live in "fantasyland" thinking that I am just going to go away when I am the mother of his three kids she is even more nuts than I think she it!! I told XH that I haven't done anything or told her what happened because I love him unconditionally and even if I have to deal with her for the rest of my life I will not stoop to her level and ruin lives!! He says "you are the one who keeps saying that you wouldn't take me back and want to move on" which is not at all the truth, but whatever! So,I said "do you honestly think I would be doing all I am doing and all I have done if I didn't want you...I told you I love you unconditionally and that if me and our kids and all we have been through, all the good times and bad, etc. isn't a good enough reason for you to have wanted to save our marriage, then nothing is going to be good enough for you ever...including her" I know I should say nothing, but we are divorced, we live 700 miles apart and if I don't tell him something he will never know. I also said "you have to figure all this our on your own, but I know when I was looking in your eyes that I know what you are thinking and feeling, I have looked in those eyes for 21 years.... I know you and I know that look and those eyes!!" At the beginning of the conversation he told me that he loves her, I know that isn't true, she is just the "easy" road (easy in everyway!!). I know and he knows too, that one day the easy road will get boring and he will realize all he lost.

I am so confused, I say I don't want him back cause I couldn't trust him, but then I think how wonderful it would be to be with him again, our family whole, etc. I just wonder what is wrong with me that I want a man who has done all these awful things to me, why don't I want something better?? But, I guess like everyone talks about on the mid-life crisis board, he is not the same person, that person is gone, and I want my H back not this man who took over his body!! I pray everyday that that old H comes back and is the man he was again, comes back to us and we are happy again. But, I also know I will be okay when/if that doesn't happen, cause I have so much good in my life. I know I will one day, when I am ready, meet the right person that I will be able to trust and love again. If that person is my old H, then great, if not that is fine too. I know people say never to give up on DB, but I think at some point you have to, and when that point comes for me I will know it. My feelings and emotions change from day to day, one day I feel he might come back, the next I feel that will never happen for so many reasons, mainly he won't want to admit he was wrong and would rather live with her unhappy than let me know he made a mistake. I have told him in the past that I would never want him to do that, that if he were to decide to come back, I would never in a million years throw all this crap back in his face. I told him I would cut my tounge off before I did that cause it would do no good, only hurt our new relationship!! This is really long and I know it probably contridicts many times, but I am so up and down, back and forth, I really have no idea what to do next!!

Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09

[fisherman]

So, I know I made a mistake tonight, I can't help it sometimes.

Keep doing this and keep getting more of the same. "I can't help it" makes NO sense.

Of course you can...... Do better....be better.


You need to reread DB and you REALLY need to read and learn about MLC.

You are right smack in the middle of all this crazy drama. The more you act like this, the more reason YOU give him never to return.

If he is truly in MLC he CANNOT think like you and me.

STOP expecting him to act normal.

STOP trying to reason with him.

STOP talking about the OW.

You say you have been dbing?

This ain't it.....all of this is anti.

It's no wonder you're confused and spun out right now.

Do the work, you most certainly CAN help your mistakes, that's what this is all about.

Reread the DB book. Read and learn all about depression and mlc. There is a ton of great information in the mlc resources.

[fisherman]

Oh.... and when you are logged in.

Click your user name.

Click view profile.

Click My stuff.

Click edit profile.

Then you can add your information (see below) to your signature box (located at the bottom of the page) so you won't have to keep typing it.

Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09

[fisherman]

As for your family and friends, you better be willing to take a stand and tell them to back off on him if he does come around. Let go for you and your family not some over inflated sense of outrage they feel you should be feeling, but since you aren't they'll pick up the slack.

Wow!! Good stuff.

[kjensen]

Hi Augtan,
Trapt has great advice. Just catching up on your posts I am totally confused! In the last few days you've said you don't want H back and you do want H back....

Sounds like you are conflicted about what you want.

Sounds like you'd like to forgive H, but don't think you can or do't want to. You are still hurting. You haven't detached. You are taking the MLC crap personally (We've all done that) and reacting.

Your family is an obstacle to you geting H back, IF you want H back. If you decide you really want H back, then stop sharing everything with your family. Vent here.

Re-read DB. Figure out what you want. Figure out if you CAN forgive.(There is a great book by Janis Spring " How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive and the Freedom Not To", that I highly recommend).

Focus on doing the work YOU need to do.

[Augtan]

Thanks again for responding! If you are confused you can imagine how confused I am. Like I said I truly don't know if I want him back, I do know I could forgive him and move on, but not sure if it is worth it or not. I don't worry about what I can do, I worry about what he can do and if he will do it again in a few years and I will be that many more years older, will have even more trust issues, etc. He has done so many awful things, and I know it is because of the MLC, but at times I just view that as an excuse to be a selfish jerk, I know people say to do more research, I have done plenty, but he is a 42 yr. old man and needs to act like one at some point regardless of anything else!! I know I can help what I do, but I highly doubt everyone on here has done DB perfect every moment of every day...and all I am saying is I haven't either. I am human and I get very upset by what he has chosen to do to me and our kids. I know life isn't fair but this is beyond unfair!

I made mistakes in our marriage and owned up to all of them and wanted to move forward and heal together, he just went back to OW because it was easier, they have a clean slate together, or so he thinks. He knew staying with me would be hard-work and being with her would be easy, he took the easy way out. She gave up custody of her son to be closer and with my married husband, she showed him that her whole life would be about him and only him, which is what he wanted, all the attention on him. We have three kids and he knows I would never turn my back on them for anyone or anything. I really think he was jealous of our kids, once the MLC started!! I told him many times that I felt if we put our marriage on top (only God above) that it would make the kids feel secure and loved by knowing they are in a secure family, and that I wanted to learn how to do this together in threapy or whatever needed to be done. I think I just was caught up in the chores of day to day life, just trying to keep my head above water raising three kids, alone a lot while he traveled, I lost sight of making him a priority.

He had a terrible childhood and I know from research the worse it is the longer the MLC, his mom died when he was 8 and his Dad was an alcholic who left him to fend for himself most of the time. There's much more than that but that is the jist. I had a very good childhood, knew I was loved, supported, had all and more than I needed, both my parents together (been married 55 yrs.),and a very charmed life. I think he was jealous of that too.

Does anyone know if there are different "rules" for DBing long distance? I just feel like because he rarley sees us we are "out of sight, out of mind" and she is right there everyday so that is easier and makes him feel loved and such by her and why would he give that up? She is the much easier road, and he thinks they have all the same interests, ideas, and wants for the future, how can I compete with that so far away? I couldn't when I was there, how can I so far away? I want him to see that I am the better choice. I want him to see what a woman like that really is and it isn't good. I want him to see that a woman who can do this is not a quality person with self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem, and that she is a predator who preyed on a confused MLC married man, made her his confidont, met his needs,but all for her own selfish reason, not because she truly loves him. She swooped into our marriage at the 11th hour and took everything away from me and the kids, she wasn't the one there for 20 years thru everything good and bad, she didn't give birth to his three kids, she didn't clean up after him, do his laundry, make his dinner, hold his head when he was sick, struggle to raise three kids while he traveled for work, lived 300 miles away while waiting to sell our house, keeping up with three different houses while they were on the market with three little kids!! I could go on and on as I am sure everyone on there could, but I was in this for life, not until I didn't like it for a minute or two. The instant gradification society we live in makes me sick, something doesn't feel good for a minute and you throw it away and get a new one!! Thus all the acceptance of divorce. I was raised different, I was raised you don't ever give up on family and after 20 years I considered him family. I don't want to give up on him, but I have no idea what to do next!! I know all I can do is wait for him to realize all this on his own and telling him over and over will do no good, just push him away more. But, is there anything different to do since he is so far away?

Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs T-20
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09