UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Sanderika]

Nell,

Take comfort here....

We all have family who says the same. I do and have ostracized myself from the whole lot of them because of it. I am more at peace without their .02 cents. They probably meant well, but they were hurtful. I have had no real contact with them for almost 2 years. IMO they do not understand and cannot because they have never been in my shoes.

I am sorry I didn't realize H had taken some furnishings. Very interested he said you could get it back in time, hmmmmmm.....

I see what you say about the OW. To me EA or PA is still leaving for OW. They all start out as EA. That's what happened here. He became infatuated with OW and with time grew big enough ba!!s to tell me we were through after 26 years together. The PA part came within 6 months of him leaving me, it was still the same OW he left me for only their relationship grew and ours deteriorated rapidly. It's a very hard pill to swallow, in time I have learned to accept he is with someone else and this is not going to change any time soon.

When I tell people it is easier to DB when they are still home, I mean it. I wish Michelle would write a book just for those of us who have had spouses leave and teach us how to stand and cope with all the BS being dished out. Especially for those of us with a long duration of standing and the wishy-washy spouse who consistantly remains stuck on the highest post on the fence. For a select group, and you are in it along with me and several others, standing doesn't seem to be an option. It is who we are and we cannot change it. I personally see myself as a lifelong stander. I only want to end my marriage because of the pain. I do not want another relationship. For me it will not be possible.
I will love my H for the rest of my days and because of it do not believe I could fully give to another and that would not be fair. I believe the marriage can end and standing can continue. It is a personal choice.

Nell, keep the positives front and center in your mind. Work on those. When you think of trickery on his part and dwell on the bad he has done and hurt he has caused you lose sight of the goal you want. Practice positive behaviors until you cannot be any other way, that is when he will change. It takes time. You have time on your side.

Don't push for a valuation, leave the work to him. If he is not pushing it is a good thing. If he's with you and it is easy and a bit fun and comfortable even, he will have good thoughts. It is possible that he is not sure of his choice. Until that time when he is, DB like no tomorrow. You have nothing to lose. Don't lose sight of your wants and goals......Focus...Focus...Focus...Focus....

For me, I am grateful for the turning from hate to friends. In my sitch that means a mountain moved. It takes time, patience and consistency for a mountain to move.

Concentrate on what worked. Create a new relationship with H on the positives that worked. H is more vulnerable than he wants you to believe. Anything is possible here......promote good thinking and feelings in H. It's all you can do.

I wish I could be a success story for you. It is so hard. I still think the jury is out on my ending.....

I won't stay on top of my current successes if I backslide. I have to maintain at all cost.

The last thing you want thrown in your face is....."I knew it, you haven't changed and you never will. Nothing here is different." This is exactly what you get (even if he doesn't verbalize it) everytime you show him the angry...lashing out...pursueing...Nell.

I hope your weekend ended well. Have a good week. Make it a good week. (((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika