Hi, I decided to move over here b/c I wasn't getting enough action in For Newcomers.
This is what I wrote on 9-23: (summary) Sitch:My husband & I got married after dating for a year and a half. We have now been married for 2 years and 3 months. I enjoy being active and doing outdoor stuff (except weeding the garden!)
My concern is getting along with my husband and my inability to do so. I get very jealous, insecure, dependent, and needy. I am very affectionate and like to spend time with H. I have gotten into many many accusations against him claiming that he doens't care about me, or by getting jealous over him talking to old female friends. (Even made scenes in public!)
Initially, he reassured me, but got tire of it, b/c I would continue to get upset. Eventually he backed off more and more. Then we would start the uphill swing and I would crash, causing up to take steps back. Then we'd have to rebuild again, and again, and again.
We still spend time together, but he no longer tells me that he loves or cares about me. His time and energy seem to be more spent with his friends and hobbies and bicycling. Then w/me, I get to watch tv with him... ooh aaah. I am trying to be more positive around him, "act as if," and be accepting of him. I know I must be patient as far as not expecting many emotions from him. Sometimes, the walls will start to come down, and he'll be more open with me. Other times, I feel like he just wants me to leave him alone. He says he is still willing to try, but he wants to feel like we are getting somewhere. I feel the same. He can't deal with my incessant crying (I know-who could?) He used to be sweet and tell me that he misses me and leave me messages, and give me beautiful cards on holidays. Now, I am lucky if I receive a compliment.
Now I feel like the more he can be away from me, the better. I feel so hurt at times, that I can't help but cry. I can't handle these feelings of rejection. I know-what I fear-I have created. I just don't seem to have the strength to take care of myself. I want emotional support. However, I feel like I cannot ask for anything anymore. It's like the one person I want to be with the most, I can't be with. (emotionally) I'm sure it will take time, but I just get so impatient. I just want him to tell me that he cares, or that he does want to be with me, but he doesn't.
I have tried some d-b techniques, which have helped. However, I can't seem to stay on the wagon. This week he told me he has plans from Tuesday through Saturday and made no mention of when we would be able to squeeze in any time or plan a special day. I feel dissapointed. He actually acted like he didn't care if we spent that much time apart. I keep learning more and more of how he DOESN'T feel about me. I have nothing positive to go on other than the fact that he is still here. Thanks for reading.
Ok, that was only 10 days ago, and already things are a lot better! I've been acting happy most of the time, not crying or causing any fights, and being accepting of H. He is going out tonight with the guys. I get anxious when he goes out w/his friends. I know deep down that he won't cheat on me, but I get jealous-jealous that he is getting all spiffy to go out and that he's having fun. He has many more single friends to hang out with than I do.
H has not been much of an initiator in the ML department. He says that is b/c he feels pressured, and that the tears turn him off. At times I have cried b/c he didn't "act" like he wanted me. So, I have backed off a lot, and guess what!!! He initiated twice this week, and last night was mutual. I figured, I could let him know that I want him too.
He's been much more affectionate. Still no ILY or I care, and no sweet phone calls, but, I figure it will come back in time. Last night I told him I loved his being more affectionate & he just said, "mm hmmm." I know he is thinking, "I told you so! This is what I've been telling you for 3 1/2 years!!!" But, he doesn't.
I guess I'm in piecing now b/c we never split up, but he has been close for a while. We went camping in July with mixed co. -one girl I got really jealous about early in the R. He told his mom if I couldn't handle it, then he was done. Well, I handled it beautifully!
I know I need to not push him, no R talk, no "expectations," no crying, no jealousy. I have been acting more independent and doing more of my own thing, and being somewhat aloof. He even acted like he missed me one night!
Weekends are hardest for me. It's been 11 days since my last upset. I've never made it past 3 weeks. 2 weeks a couple times.
You need to get dressed up, tell him you've made plans with some friends too (be a little mysterious if you can) then DON'T COME HOME UNTIL AFTER HE DOES. Even if you have to drive around the block. If you don't have any friends available to go out with then just go see a chick flick or go hang out at a bookshop - or better yet, go see some live music somewhere. Have fun. Look good. Have a glass of wine. Start doing this whenever he goes out - I bet you he'll start coming home sooner!
Hi Ellie, Thanks for writing! The bookstore closes at 11, and he probably won't be home until after 2/2:30! What do I do until then? Go to a bar by myself? Lie and say I was at a bar?
Can you safely go to a midnight movie? Or go to the bookstore and come back and leave all your really sexy and cool clothes on a chair so that he will notice you were out? Do not tell him anything, but if he comments you just say coolly: 'Oh I went out to the movies' And give no details
And some time next week make plans to go out by yourself with some friends, girls and preferrably single. If he sees you are going out, he may feel curious.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
well, I really didn't have anything else to do tonight, so I came home. H is 30 miles away, so he probably won't get home til really late. 2/3ish??
I think next week I will ask a couple girls to go out. Turns out another friend i work with broke up w/her bf and she said she is ready to go out anytime. yay! more friends! ok, so i really have to muster up some guts to do this!!!
tonight h called my cell phone and asked what i was doing tonight. i told him, friend's house, then maybe to a bar w/another girl. other girl never called me.(not surprised.) I didn't spend much time w/him when I got home and got in the shower and got ready. I was lookin' good!! we hugged goodbye and he had this look in his eye...he grabbed my butt which isn't too uncommon, but maybe he was thinking about it!! he kinda looked sad/dissappointed??? Maybe he is missing me!!!
Hard thing for me on the weekends is that i "expect" to ML, and he can sense that and backs off. If i can just be cool, and let it happen naturally, it will!
I woke up at 3 right before H came home. He came to bed and I rolled over to greet him but he closed his eyes. I rolled over and said hello, he said hi and put his arms around me. I asked how his night was, he said fun, he asked about mine and i said fine. I had a tone in my voice and he asked if something was wrong. I said that I turned to greet him and thought he was ignoring me. he said that that wasn't the case. (he probably just couldn't see that i was awake.) So then he took his arms off and i said to come back. He said, "you want me to?" and i said, yes and asked if he felt shunned. he said yes. i didn't apologize or anything, just let it go, then he turned over and went to sleep. (Obviously I was displacing my anxieties and turned it into something else. Better something small & stupid, than something large like, "did you have more fun w/o me? did you scam on other girls??, etc. etc.) Baby steps. I just wish I felt more comfortable.
I laid awake for the next 2-2 1/2 hours. I feel so scared about him going out w/the guys and i am hoping that once we get along better for a longer period of time, he won't feel the need to do it so often. Will that happen???
We woke up, and he had to go to work at 9. It was a little after 8, so I didn't think he would initiate, but he did!!! btw, I asked him if he had fun again-i was trying to act like i didn't remember our convo in the middle of the night. He looked at me, i knew he had to fly, he said thanks for the quickie and i said "see-ya'" real cheerfully.
So as he was finishing getting dressed he told me his friend and wife may come up tonight to go see the band tonight. I said that was cool. (I would like for us to have some couples to do stuff with.) Hugged and kissed good-bye. trying not to expect ILY, but i wish...
It is a baby step definitely. But next time try not to let the 'tone' creep into your voice. Say 'fine' and mean it. act 'as if' you did not care about his getting home late and 'as if' you had had a great time on your own. If it is your insecurities that are pushing him away, do not act insecure in front of him. Come to the BB instead and vent to your hearts content
Remember, men do not relish the idea of coming home at 3 am to a grumpy W or a R talk. If you cannot act, fake the sleep
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
