Hi, I am a newcomer with H having unfaithful acts for 8 years and I only get to know last week. I am a sensitive person and actually realised that our M is on the rock quite a while but keep telling myself not to be that sensitive and should have full trust in him. He has been a caring huband and a loving father but only after Mar 09, after our last family trip to Hong Kong, he started to behave out of control. We have lesser communication and he didn't have any concern for me and the kids. I keep telling myself that he will not do any unfaithful act and that he might have some problems he wouldn't want me to get worry (cos I got depression 3 years ago). The situation turned worst last month when he started to come home at 10pm every night and leave the house in the wee morning 3.30am. This ongoing behaviour made me worried and a strong sense that something fishy must be happen (at this point, I still wouldn't want to believe that my H will do anything to hurt me and definitely the kids). I initiated discussions to iron our problems and at first, he refused to talk at all, claiming that nothing went wrong and it's just I being too sensitive. I knew thing wasn't seem good as it sound, so I forced for the last discussion, and this was when he confessed everything. He has been doing the unfatihful acts (which he said going to massage parlour asking for extra service) and sleeping with his ex-girlfriend before marriage. I wasn't quite able to accept the facts but willing to swallow all these to safeguard my family. But then, when he mentioned he has "a group of good girlfriends now" and they did offer him sex but he rejected, I started to lose control of my anger that a EA or even a PA did exists. I have clearly see his body languages when he told me all these that he is ready to leave his kids and family for the OP. He said he will not bear to leave the kids and this will definitely broke his mum heart. Never did he even think that he has already hurt me deeply. I couldn't really pick myself up from there and attempted sucide 2 times. The world seems to collapse on me and my life just change overnight. I am not ready to accept all these.
Then, at this point, God sent me a kind soul and talked me out to be brave and strong for myself and for the kids. I am a good follower as I have no where to turn to and I do not want to do anything on the expense on the kids, so I bravely stand up and move on. I learned to be strong and as each day passed, I get stronger (which I couldn't even believe that I can do that)and make a change for myself which I have never even crossed my mind that I can do it. I always think that I should devote all my love and time to my H and kids and nothing should goes wrong with that. Never did I know that my H started to see me unattractive with outside Fantasy. I keep asking myself "what did I do wrong to deserve these that he has done to me" but whatever I do, I won't get the answer. For now, I know that I won't be able to change his action and thinking, I can only work on myself, I need to be strong, confidence and attractive - I MUST. Just only 5 days past, my H suddenly realised that drastic change in me and started to get worry of my change. To be frank, I was happy at first of his sudden change (as my strategies really work) but asking myself, will this be shortlived too. He is just being selfish that he won't allow me to do what he did to me. He sent me a well composed message(which is not his style)asking for forgiviness and not to change and to be my old self again. I cried not of sympathy but his selfishness that he wants forgiveness for hurting me so much. My advisor told me that I am on the right track that he is feeling remorseful now and he wants the marriage and family. A really good sign for me but I asked myself what's next? Forgiving and mistakes happen again in a few years down the road?
It was when such traumatic incident happened that I realised a wake up call from GOD to me. That I have been losing so much faith in him and he is always watching me closely what I am doing all this while. I started to pray to him daily to get me out of the mess I am in now, and I really amazed with the answered he gave me. He give me a chance to get back my life, a sign of repent from H, a new beginning for my journey ahead and to have faith in him. I will never want to lose that faith in him anymore, be it a good or bad ending for my marriage cos he is always there protecting me with his love.
At this point of time, even though I am not sure what's my life ahead, I am grateful that GOD has already given me alot, I realised and seen so many loves and care from my friends that I never know they exist. I thank GOD for that and the most precious gift - my 3 beautiful kids.
Me 39 H 39 M 14 yrs 3 kids (13,7,5) Hurtbroken startdate: 10/10/09
Welcome, BM. Sad story. When your husband wrote and asked for forgiveness, did he say he was done with OWs, massage parlors, etc, or did you just infer that? My sitch does not involve infidelity, so I may not have as much to offer as some others, but be patient. They'll be along. Good for you for instinctively and immediately beginning to make changes for you. hat kind of changes are they?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks for the reply and encouragement which I needed most now. No, he didn't say he has done with the OWs but I am sure this OW should be someone he already knew quite a while already, because he was prepared to give the family up for her. He is a man with no guts so unless he is very sure about it.
Maybe he is really remorseful and confused about the damaged he has done to the family and he has been trying very hard to repent but at this moment, the anger and hurt are still deeply in me which I don't think can easily get over it. I am seeing the Individual counsellor on 20 Nov and hopefully she will be able to change my thinking. For now till then, I just want to make myself happy and telling myself that I must be strong for my kids.
While I doing this, I went ahead to go for my medical checkup, just to make sure I am HIV or VD free and getting a "Will" with the lawyer. I want to ensure that my kids are well protected even if I die.
Can anyone tell me if such traumatic thing could happen again if I can really forgive him? How can I ever believe what he is saying and doing in future?
I can only imagine how difficult things have been for you since you found out about your husband's "unfaithful acts"! However, I can see your renewed connection with God has really helped you, and you never want to lose that connection again!
You have wisely figured out that you can't change another person directly but by changing yourself, your husband may notice your changes and respond and interact very differently with you. It seems you are doing a really good job in that area with how you are feeling better and how your husband is noticing your changes. I don't know what things you are doing, but in general, when our spouses or partners respond positively to what we are doing it is usually a good indication to continue doing what we have been doing. This means do not stop doing what is working.
It is normal and good to ask yourself if your husband's changes will last with all you have gone through. You asked if you can ever believe what your husband says of does in the future or if you can ever forgive your husband for what he has done. Yes, this is possible, but it will take time to figure this out. It may be helpful for you to figure out (maybe with the help of a trusted friend, religious leader or a DB coach) what concrete behavioral signs will tell you you can believe what your husband says or does. For example, if your husband arrives home at regular hours or if he calls to say he will be home at 5:00pm and does arrive then. In other words, do his words match his actions. Also, it will help you to figure out how long (months, years) his positive changes would need to go on for you to believe these changes are here for good. Of course, it will really help things if your husband is willing to do whatever it takes to win your trust back.
Continue doing what keeps you happy and strong! Keep your ears and eyes open to the small signs that tell you things are continuing to get better for you, your children and in your marriage.
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. For without it, you have this "cloud over your head". But it takes time to figure out when to give yourself this gift. Hopefully, reading Michele's information on this Forum on "Forgiveness" will help you.
Hope this information in some way helps you.
Joann Sallmann, DB Coach
Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with Joann - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I guess at this period of tough time for me, these are really important for me to stay strong and keep cool about myself.
I have taken the day off tomorrow to bring the kids out and he remembered the kids requesting for his time last week and he is going with us. I am not sure how I should react/behave for tomorrow. I just don't feel like talking to him but in front of the kids, I have to act that I am not angry, its really so not me and so tough.
At times, I will have the thoughts that even if he tried his best to make up things with me, he might be still with the OP, isn't this possible? He might be just trying to gain the respect from the kids only but continue to have good of both world. I even think that he might even have a family out there which he is unable to let go.
I hope I can compose well tomorrow without showing my anger on him.
Btw, I bought 2 sets of sexy pyjamas today and I wore it to sleep, not sure he saw it but he just went straight to his room to sleep. Even my elder daughter noticed the difference but didn't hear any from him. I just want him to know that I can change and be calm from now onwards, not a doormat as previous.
BM, I'm glad to see you on this forum. You'll a lot of great advice here, and a sounding board and sharing ground for the months ahead.
It'll take time but just look at the great strides you already made in just the last week. From being in utter despair and breaking down, with a WAH who was unrepentent and unwilling to give up his extramarital life, you've become stronger and started making changes and standing up for yourself - and he has noticed!
(in case, it's not obvious, I'm the one who recommended this site to you; I don't post here much, but I'm around :)). Continue reading DR, LL and Love must be tough, and working on yourself. You'll be able to tap into a much wider range of views than my own limited attempts, even if most of the folks on here are 12 time zones away. Your H has some distance to go to work on the M with you, but you're already in a much better place than many; don't shut him out completely. Forgiveness and trust can be built in time and you need to focus on your priority of ultimately having a happy M. Do your part and leave it to God.
And definitely don't forget the next Retrouvaille weekend; I think by that time, you will have healed enough for it to be a very meaningful and helpful experience.
Good luck, and I'll keep you in my prayers.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I really felt terribly depressed today (maybe of my mood swing). I just couldnt understand why I have to put myself in such a torturing situation. I am not happy and physically & mentally very drained out. Over the weekends, I have to find plan to go out in the night, to make him feel that I might be going out with somebody but after a few round of doing this, I felt so tired and really felt why I should be doing this to myself. My H is the one making all the mistakes and I have to do all this to get the marriage back on track. Yes, he did make some small acts like getting our daughter to find out where I am or send me msg like "come home early, all waiting and worried for u". I am not sure if these are genuine acts but I just felt that I have done more than what he has done to make this marriage works. It is really tiring at this point. I lost myself in this whole process and not sure whether I am heading for the right direction. I hate this feeling.
I just want to rest my mind for today and have a good sleep. He came home just now and stuck in the room with the kids.That's all and easy for him while I have to brood over what will our marriage be heading. I am just to tired to think now.....
I will continue to pray for God to give me the strength to go on (but don't know when and how long I can go) and if I really cannot make it, I would like to let go......
A month has passed and things just changed so fast without me noticing it. I have decided to end the torment of saving my marriage. I have signed the separation deed on 13 Nov and mark 14 Nov 09 as the commencement of the separation. He has moved out since 14 Nov out of respect for me (according to him). He said he wants to punish himself for the BIG mistake he made and he will win me back and be back to the family. At this point of time, I wouldn't want to believe what he said. I just want him out of my life and live with my kids with some peace of mind. As least from now onwards, I no longer feel that he is my husband anymore and that whatever he do or lie to me will not hurt me so badly. I no longer have tears and I am so much stronger than I used to be. I know that from now onward, I need to be stronger for my kids and I have so many things to keep me occupy. I no longer need to have those uneasy feelings.
He told me that he is sure to win my heart back but I have no confidence of it, cos I do not want to live my life like last time and I do not want to be hurt again. I just want to live a peaceful and meaningful live with my kids from now on.
Detachment is so much harder for me and so I chose the path of separation cos I know I will not be able to detach and continue to bear the suffering of my husband still having the affairs.
Now I am on my own with the kids and he can visit the kids 3X a weeks. I guess this decision is the best for me now and I really can feel so much less stressful than 2 months ago.
Thanks for all your encouragment and I will definitely be stronger from now on.
Detachment is so much harder for me and so I chose the path of separation cos I know I will not be able to detach and continue to bear the suffering of my husband still having the affairs.
If he wants to win you back -- and you're willing to let him try -- then he needs to agree to total transparency. If he is really as ready to work on this as you make it sound, this should be no problem.
You get unfettered access to any and all email accounts and can check his phone (if he texts) with no warning. You get to open the cellphone bill.
If he objects, point out that he brought this on himself by choosing to lie and be deceptive. He needs to earn your trust back if you are going to reconcile.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
