It's MY life now!!!........

[Grace_O]

SC,

I'd like to say that I have absolutely no idea how you feel...I would really like to say that. Truth is I do. We all do.

You aren't a failure. With all you've given this, how could you be? Did you crumble with all of this happened? No. Did you get out and start doing things for yourself and making new friends? Yes. Is it hard? Yes, Yes, Yes. And look at you go.

You've been separated 16 months and you can't let go....sounds normal to me for all the years you were together. It takes time, but you know this.

I wouldn't dismiss the perimenpausal stuff. Lucky me on top of everything else, I'm there...and it SUX. There are times when I really go over the top emotionally (fortunately not around H....yet) and I hear this little voice (the sane part of me) in my head saying "what the hell is wrong with you?!?" And I can't stop. So, I've learned different stategies and I've got a DR appt for drugs.

I love that you go dancing. I use to and I will again at some point (when I get myself settled).

Don't worry about how long someone else has been "looking" for a mand. it doesn't matter. When you're really ready things happen. That includes things with your H.

I guess I'm just not strong enough...... I just don't think I can do this.....

Strong enough to make your best choices? Yes you are.

Out of all these "moments" comes incredible strength. Watch.

BEAR HUGS

[Silent Chrleader]

(((((Wifey, peace, BM & Grace)))))

I can't tell you how much your words meant to me. I am doing a little better today. I went to dance class last night, and actually laughed a few times. Wifey, I took your advice and had a good cry last night. And I do feel calmer today, although that may be exhaustion because I only slept 3 hours.

The peri-menopause thing is also definitely part of the mix at least sometimes. However, I don't think that is the only issue, because when I get caught in an emotional vortex like that, it doesn't seem like I can snap out of it unless/until I hit bottom. This trough lasted a couple weeks before bottoming out last night. When I feel like that, I try to do all the things I know how to do to distract myself, or "float" through it, but often it seems like that just prolongs the agony! I have wondered if maybe I would do better to do a 180 and really try to actively dwell on the pain and maybe that would be more effective!

As most of you know, I am on AD meds, and I really don't want to increase them. I don't necessarily think it's a dosage issue anyway because I have had periods (even long ones) where I feel pretty good. I just feel so powerless!! Like I have to reach a point low enough and hard enough that I bounce, and thus can change momentum and get back on an up-swing!

As I have also said before, I think that each time I climb out of the gutter, I get higher on the ladder, which makes it hurt more when I fall! I just so wish that there was a button I could push!!! I really hate this freakin' roller-coaster and I wanna get off!!!!

Anyway, I sent the following e-mail to STBXH today....

Hey,

I've been thinking, and I think I would like to cancel you coming over this weekend. In fact, I would like to postpone your work on the house for a little while (until perhaps the beginning of the year?). The truth is that I really need some space from you right now. Please understand that I am not angry or anything like that. I just think this is best for my mental health for the time being. The work on the house is not "emergent", and I'm sure you will appreciate a little more time to your own pursuits.

I hope you understand.

Take care.

T

This was his reply.....

I understand. Take all the time you need. I will stand by my promise to complete the agreed on work when you are ready.

Take care

I cried when I read it..... I sorta hate it when he's sweet.

Well, I am going to bed early tonight!!

You guys are amazing, and I am so thankful to have you in my corner...... if only "virtually"!!

[[[[[[[[[[BIG HUGS]]]]]]]]]]

[dl443322]

Ok my friend, you want some of the Brooklyn thing, so here it is.

I do not want to invalidate your feelings in any way. But I have to tell you, the fact that you cried when he wrote you that he will honor his committment to fix the house, made me want to drive to you and shake you.

He is getting the freakin dream house, girl. You think he is being sweet? He is trying to relieve some of his guilt!

Now, I can understand you being sad. Absolutely. But the fact that you are still grateful for the crumbs he tosses you, is pissing me off.

So, Brooklyn style - f him. He should be doing the work on your house - at the very least. He had an affair, he got the dream house, he gets to live his life however he wants it.

Frankly, I dont give a rat's as% about him. It's you I care about. He was lucky to have you. You deserve happiness in your life, S. You do. And you better start believing that.

He is not worthy of you. Never was. So ok, you had your cry, you worked through this tough spot. Now, dust yourself off, get yourself up and get to gettin' girl.

[Silent Chrleader]

Gee, [[[[[BM]]]]], tell me how you really feel!!

Yep, you're right...... F HIM!! That's why I love ya', Brooklyn!!!

My mother called me this morning to see how I was doing. Apparently my brother had told her I was going through a rough patch. Well, now she's all upset and saying that I am "clinging" to him, and how I will never have another man love me if I don't stop, etc....... I tried to explain that I am not clinging and doing my best to move on, but that this is a process I am going through and I am not somebody who can just say "Oh Well!" at the loss of a 28 year relationship. That's just not my nature! She doesn't get it. She said she had no problem moving on from my Dad after they D'd after 30 years M. (She left) I know she loves me and is worried about me and in-patient for me to get over it already (see where I get it!!!????). But, I sure wish I had a Mom that I could go to and cry on her shoulder and she could just pat me on the back and tell me that she understood and that I would be OK!! The whole conversation with her made me feel like "Yep, I'm an emotional basket case!" ...... Gotta love dysfunctional families.....

Well, I'm off to buy some new pants (I've shrunk out of all my work pants....WooHoo!!!), and them I'm off to Cha-Cha class!

[peacetoday]

sc
How was Cha cha class
I just got back from dancing
so much fun!!!

MY mother was the same before she passed
she only wanted me to move on and hopefully find another man
but she didnt really get the fact that it was too fresh
and it would eventually take over 2 years to even begin to let go
and I think Ive only very reacently really let go maybe still not totally
so continue on
you sound healthy and strong and dealing with your healing
peace

[dl443322]

S, this is a process. It took me almost 2 1/2 years to get to where I am and I am not all the way there yet. You get there when you get there.

Sorry about your mom not being supportive. Both of my parents have passed but I have no doubt my mom would be the same way.

Good for you for losing that weight. Live well, my friend. Just enjoy life without looking over your shoulder. See where it takes you.

Part of why I am doing so well (most days) is because I have let myself be open to all possibilities.

My friend called me the other day and asked me to do something with her. I told her I am game for anything.

It's your turn to shine, Sweetie.

P.S. I like that you call me Brooklyn. It might be time to change my name here.

[Grace_O]

SC,

You Mom just has her own spin ont things. I'm sure she's trying to be helpful in her own way.

Cha Cha, <sigh> I love the cha cha and the sambe and...well anyway, I hope you have a great time in your class.

Good job on the "shringking pants"!

If convos with your Mom make you feel anything but good about yourself, you might want to avoid certain topics with her for awhile. Just a thought.

HUGS

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Ladies! Thank you again so much for your warm encouragement and support! I seem to be coming a little out of the woods again. I have a rubber band on my wrist and every time I even think about STBXH, I snap myself and good one!!!

(((peace))), I really like cha-cha! And I found out that tomorrow there is a big all day dance workshop, followed by a dance in the evening. So I will be dancing my a** off from 10am to midnight (probably).

(((Brooklyn))), I love the new name!! I liked "beginnersmind" too, but it is a little "zen" for your personality! I think you are much more a "kick a** and take names" kind of lady underneath.

You'll have to let me know what "anything" turns out to be with your friend (especially if it pushes the evelope, ya know!!)

(((Grace))), I got your invite on the alt...... you'll have to help me talk "peace" into getting on the alt too! And, yes, I do try to avoid the topic of STBXH with my Mom..... it was my bro who opened his big mouth this time! My mom is a total drama queen too. And since she is 81 now, and of course doesn't work, she has all day to let things ruminate in her head which is never a good thing!!

In tomorrow's workshop, I will get a chance to do samba and bolero, neither of which I have tried before..... I'm really looking forward to it, and I hope I meet some new friends too.

Well, my friends, I gotta get to bed...... I'll need all the energy I can get for tomorrow!

[[[[[[[[[[BIG HUGS]]]]]]]]]]

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, had fun on at the dance workshop today..... probably not going dancing tonight though because my friend who I was going with has a sick cat.

On a couple good notes.....Several people were impressed with my dancing, which is heartening. One of the teachers flirted with me too! While showing us a step (when I was partnering with him), he said it is was "short and sweet like me"...... I just smiled and told him that flattery would get him everywhere!!

So, it's all good......

[peacetoday]

enjoy
peace