Slept with XH, help!!

[Augtan]

So, I know I made a mistake tonight, I can't help it sometimes. XH called my cell phone, I told him I was upset he was mad at me for something I didn't even do and told him that we left it on such good terms and then he goes and freaks at me about something OW ready knew. Well, he says "She is just sick of you two (me and her XH) interfering in our lives" I almost blew a gasket!! She is tired of me messing with her life?? How can she say that with a straight face, she messed with my life to no end for 2 years till she got my husband!! And, she wants me to not mess with her cause it "upsets" her...you have got to be kidding me!! First of all, I didn't mess with her life, I had no idea he would forward that e-mail, second if she wants to live in "fantasyland" thinking that I am just going to go away when I am the mother of his three kids she is even more nuts than I think she it!! I told XH that I haven't done anything or told her what happened because I love him unconditionally and even if I have to deal with her for the rest of my life I will not stoop to her level and ruin lives!! He says "you are the one who keeps saying that you wouldn't take me back and want to move on" which is not at all the truth, but whatever! So,I said "do you honestly think I would be doing all I am doing and all I have done if I didn't want you...I told you I love you unconditionally and that if me and our kids and all we have been through, all the good times and bad, etc. isn't a good enough reason for you to have wanted to save our marriage, then nothing is going to be good enough for you ever...including her" I know I should say nothing, but we are divorced, we live 700 miles apart and if I don't tell him something he will never know. I also said "you have to figure all this our on your own, but I know when I was looking in your eyes that I know what you are thinking and feeling, I have looked in those eyes for 21 years.... I know you and I know that look and those eyes!!" At the beginning of the conversation he told me that he loves her, I know that isn't true, she is just the "easy" road (easy in everyway!!). I know and he knows too, that one day the easy road will get boring and he will realize all he lost.

I am so confused, I say I don't want him back cause I couldn't trust him, but then I think how wonderful it would be to be with him again, our family whole, etc. I just wonder what is wrong with me that I want a man who has done all these awful things to me, why don't I want something better?? But, I guess like everyone talks about on the mid-life crisis board, he is not the same person, that person is gone, and I want my H back not this man who took over his body!! I pray everyday that that old H comes back and is the man he was again, comes back to us and we are happy again. But, I also know I will be okay when/if that doesn't happen, cause I have so much good in my life. I know I will one day, when I am ready, meet the right person that I will be able to trust and love again. If that person is my old H, then great, if not that is fine too. I know people say never to give up on DB, but I think at some point you have to, and when that point comes for me I will know it. My feelings and emotions change from day to day, one day I feel he might come back, the next I feel that will never happen for so many reasons, mainly he won't want to admit he was wrong and would rather live with her unhappy than let me know he made a mistake. I have told him in the past that I would never want him to do that, that if he were to decide to come back, I would never in a million years throw all this crap back in his face. I told him I would cut my tounge off before I did that cause it would do no good, only hurt our new relationship!! This is really long and I know it probably contridicts many times, but I am so up and down, back and forth, I really have no idea what to do next!!

Me-39
XH-42
M- 17 1/2 yrs
D-16, S-14, D-10
MLC- started 10/06
OW discovered-7/07
seperated-9/07
back together- 12/07
moves out again-7/08
D final-5/09
find out he was with OW the whole time btwn 1/08 to now -9/09