I am getting better. It doesn't change the hurt I feel, or the guilt.
Tonight my wife called the kids, which we do each night we are away. I had to talk to her because she has asked me if she could pick them up for a few hours tomorrow. We have a 2 year old, and 7 days on/off works for our 11 year old, okay for our 6 year old, but for a two year old, it is an eternity. We had to confirm times. It was a good talk. I kept it VERY short...less than 30 seconds. I said hello, how are you? She said good, then asked how I was. I said just fine! We confirmed the times and I let her get back to talking with the kids.
I can't tell you how much I just wanted to talk to her. I didn't. I dictated the conversation, which isn't to mean I was an ass, but only to say that I followed the DB rules. Say what you have to say, not what you want to say. Then it was back to wrestling with my 2-year old son while she talked with our D's.
Tomorrow is church. Our middle D sings for the first time. She is sooo excited. She told Mom tonight (keep in mind that my wife was raised catholic, married Lutheran and is now non-practicing...she said as recently as a few weeks ago "you know how I feel about religion", meaning she didn't think much of it). Surprisingly, she asked that I take pictures. I learned last week that she is praying with the kids at night before bed. Wow.
I had a rough night a few weeks ago. I was having completly irrational jealousy issues. I went to bed and actually prayed that I have a restful night sleep. I had a dream that night that we were in church and my wife walked in and sat by us. Nothing was said, she just walked in and sat with us like we were a family again.
Now, I am an educated guy, I am a logical, liberal, science based guy. My brain was on over-load, I went to bed wanting to be able to rest and my brain fired off some neurons that made me have a dream that allowed me to sleep all night long.
But isn't it weird? To fine out the next week she is praying with the kids. Sure, maybe it is for the kids sake. I don't know.
Somethings can't be explained, like love, life or how someone solves a rubic's cube with their eyes closed.
I really appreciate your words of encouragment. I've even started to post on other peoples threads....not sure I am at a point where I can help others, but it helps to see others going through what I am as well.
