Old "newbie" needs help FAST!!! Please respond!!

[ginab1966]

Danny:

Giving you big HUGS right off the bat!!! You posted at midnight and I know JUST by your rambling how you felt. I cannot tell you how many nights I’ve been up, at midnight, on Facebook instant messaging with my mom or someone sounding JUST like you do right now. We found each other on here for a reason and I hope that what I’m about to say helps you in some way because you’ve given me such support and care.

Oldtimer, who posts on here, has given me some “in your face” advice lately and I’ve been throwing myself into MYSELF the last two weeks. I’ve really been challenged these last two weeks and without this board and my support system at home and on line, I would’ve just been a ball on the floor. I am going to say to you that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. He doesn’t see it that way at all but I know and have learned enough to know when a duck is a duck. He has some very deep rooted issues that I just want to go away and the fog to lift so he can see what’s what but that’s not going to happen in the way that I want it to. I am completely powerless over his actions. I found a great thread on detachment in the newcomers area on like the third or forth page. (look at my recent posts and you’ll find LOTS of great info there. Written mostly by guys going through the same thing as you. Puppydog Tails wrote this about detachment:

I had to realize (and it took a month to six weeks) that I CANNOT CONTROL MY SPOUSE. Then I also realized one day that I DIDN'T WANT TO. She is an adult, and she will do what she will do, and all I can do is establish my own boundaries, learn to enforce them, and become the best Puppy that I can be.I also learned to -- in every situation -- STOP acting from a position of: "If I do (or say) this, how will she react? Will she be angry? How will her reaction make ME feel?" ... and instead, operate from a standpoint of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that GOD HIMSELF would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"
Once I learned to do that, and learned to withstand my wife's blowback and anger ... and still stand ... it was very, VERY liberating. So what I did was work on me. I treated her civilly -- like a co-worker, or a roommate. I was considerate, and polite, and friend-LY, but I was NOT her friend, much less her BEST friend (which we had always been). I lived my life, and I let her know what I would and would not tolerate (like no texting OM in front of me or our kids, for instance). And I moved on down the path.

Danny, our spouses are in a place of darkness. They can’t see what they are doing at all. Your wife can’t see how inappropriate it is to get smashed at night and go our a lot and watch her children miss her and cry. My husband is involved with Victoria to a point but I believe the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. What he is doing is not loving. He has been outside I the cold with a fire burning for HOURS. He came in, ate the dinner I made and went back outside to talk on the phone with God knows who and I was left inside to put her to bed while she asked why Daddy didn’t kiss her goodnight. Our spouses are lost right now. They are trying to figure out who they are and what they want. Without proper psychological help, I fear they never will.

So, where does that leave us????? Well my dear boy it leaves us to find a way to detach from these hurtful actions. It’s made harder by the fact that they are still in the home. However, it CAN be done because I’ve seen it done. I am doing my best to live as though he is already gone or almost like he IS my roommate. It’s really, really hard but I’m trying for the past few days to just let him be and not expect anything from him. If I do, I will be disappointed every time. It’s like expecting a man with no legs to get up and walk. It’s just NOT going to happen so why do I constantly expect a very confused person to make rational, sane, responsible choices. He just simply can’t right now. So, I’m going to say something harsh to you but it is with so much love and tenderness in my heart to please try to hear it the way it’s intended……you said “She did bring me down. She did make me sad. I couldn't be happy with my sons tonight. She took that away from me.” I made a statement like this in therapy the other day and my therapist said…”That’s not true. He didn’t make you feel any way. You CHOSE to feel that way”. See Danny, they may act a certain way but as we learn to detach we have to realize it’s our responsibility to feel the way we feel. I’m not saying that your feelings weren’t justified but you need to own the feelings.

Let me try and explain this another way. My husband has been so removed and void of any emotion towards me (other than sex…which is something that I’m thinking of not allowing anymore due to it’s emotional toll) that it’s almost leaving me curled up in a ball. I have chosen the past few days to not curl up in a ball and put one foot in front of the other and GAL and put on a happy face in front of him and all these things that are taking soooo much effort. I needed a bit of help to deal with this so I turned to my drug of choice…a Big Mac, large fries and Oreo cookies. Now, you know how hard I’ve been working on the weight loss so this was a BIG no-no. BUT, instead of saying, “See, he drove me to fall off the wagon”, I said “I am making a conscious choice to medicate. I know it’s not good but I own it.” Yes, he was acting horribly towards me but I had a choice to eat that Big Mac or not. And, for some reason the minute I start to own that choice, I become stronger. I realize that the more I am my H’s victim, the more he owns my power. I cannot give him that.

I believe my H might be engaged back into his affair and I’m dying to ask him. Not sure if it’s proper “DB” procedure and I think I’m going to do my best not to. I guess it’s because I feel that if I definitively knew….it would push me over the edge to make him leave and end this. Maybe I just want an excuse….cuz this is really, really hard. I always said I wouldn’t be the one to break my kids heart though…and I won’t.

Danny, I know you are in pain and I’m soo, sooo sorry. I wish we weren’t walking this walk and I pray that we don’t have too many more nights like you had last night. Just do your best to stay true to who you are, keep getting support, love those kids and try to detach from her. Stay strong for them and use them as your true North. We can do this…we can. We are good people who want the best for our kids. A person who posted to me on my ADHD forum said to me about my daughter “There are lots of reasons to stay in a decent marriage, but kid manipulation isn't one of them. She needs stability and attention to thrive. That may, or may not, come in a neatly wrapped "happily ever after" package of mom, dad and her.” It was hard to hear but very, very true. Maybe this environment isn’t whats best for her and staying with my H for her sake may be doing more harm than good. I don’t know.

Danny, I pray that tonight is better for you and you sleep in peace and wake in peace. We deserve to be peaceful, whole and sane….

Nite Danny….God’s speed.

Gina B