Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

had a very sad day today.

i am sure the weather doesn't help -- and the looming holidays approaching. (yes it is only October yet all of stores say different. AND as strange as it may seem decorating and getting my own home together - not having x involved brings its own bit of emotion as well.

the sadness today was really over growth. over who i am today .. I guess it is strange because I know taht I am different then I was 2 1/2 years ago - but even more I am different then I was 5 years ago when we moved here.

I was so very angry with x... so very angry. my C called it destaine... and he was right. And today loomed the guilt of the anger -- and satans attack that I was the sole reason for the end of my marriage.

I do think coming to terms with our part in the relationship and the ending of the relationship is very important.. VERY. BUT I can NOT and WILL not take ownership for things I did not do.. and that was what my heart wanted to do today.. I even thought of calling him to apologize.

I guess what today brought to me was the reminder of how deeply i loved...and how badly I wanted - and probably do still want my marriage.

thank goodness there is tomorrow.