So, all I know is that I am not divorced, papers haven't been filed and I see hesitation. I am prepared to file with her next week; but honestly feel it is 50/50 that we will. Maybe I am fabricating the hope...but it is hope. Since I see this hope while doing the things mentioned here, I will continue to do them.
My W told me early on that she would see what changes I made, but would not wait 6 months. Monday is the 6 month mark and she is slowly moving towards me.
First, givingitmyall, congratulations. I am glad to hear she is making steps toward you.
I need advice.
I've listed all the reasons why I think this is working. Clearly, I want my W back and my posts here allow those feelings to be visible. I don't show this side to her, if I can at all help it.
Today she had to pick up our daughter to be fitted for a wedding dress for a family wedding that is on halloween. I'm obviously not going. My wife is matron of honor and our oldest D is minature bride.
I am not looking forward to that weekend. First, it is my weekend with the kids, so I won't have them 4 of the 7 days I am supposed to. She has offered to switch days to make up for this, but I told her that there will be a time when I will want them for a family event, so we can just do an "i owe you" for the wedding.
Second, this wedding is for my family. It's my wife's biological family, but they have been my family for 15 years. The cousin who is getting married even lived with us for a while. It's tough to be "not invited".
Back to my point...when she picked up my daughter today, my daughter told me "mom asked how you were doing, that is good, right?". Now, we try to keep the kids out of this as much as possible, but an 11 year old is smart. She's trying. I said, "that was nice of mom, and we both still want the other to be happy, so she was just wondering how I was feeling".
My daughter did tell her "I was fine".
I'm sort of in a daze again today. Yet another day were I only want to focus on my kids and I find myself looking around the house, realizing all the potential, the future, that is now gone.
I know...doom and gloom. The kids are mostly napping right now. I raked a big pile of leaves earlier, so when they wake we have some fun planned, but it is when it is quiet, after the kids go to bed, when they nap, etc... that things are the hardest.
Givingitmyall, I am glad to hear things seem to be improving for you. I can't wait until the day, hopefully, I can post that I got something more from my wife than a handshake.
This Wed. is the day she wanted my part of the paperwork done. It will be. Time will tell, right?
There is a saying "Patience is easy, when you find something to do in the meanwhile". When I am away, I have been sucessful in doing that (GALing), but when I am with the kids, they are your life...and I love that, but it is not nearly the same without my wife...and I miss her more.
So, what I am I asking for, I did start by saying I need advice....
Well, I watched Fireproof again last night and I really like the movie. I see some similarities to DBing, but there are some glaring differences too. Obviously, I can be patient, hold my tongue (no snide remarks) around her, but have either of you (or anyone else reading) figured out how to do both?
How does the WAS see the changes you are making if you hardly ever see eachother?
Yes, I know you are right...it is tough when time is standing still though.
I tell my kids not to pray for specific things, God works in mysterious ways, etc... If you pray for something specific and you don't get it, it doesn't mean God wasn't listening, etc...
But I honestly break my own rule on that. I pray everyday that God makes me a better man, allows my wife to see that and allows her heart to let me in again.
My daughter started listening to "Love is not a Battle" by Warren Barfield. It's from Fireproof...she hasn't seen the movie though, but I guess the song is popular. She has been learning guitar for a few years (and I get my guitar Tuesday). It's tough to hear that song over and over again. I think she wants us to hear the words, which I know I have...I don't think she does that when my W is home though, she has asked my wife not to talk to her about the D, but she talks to me about it all the time.
Sometimes I wish she had been the typical kid who just wanted to learn Hannah Montana songs, but my daughter's first song was the into to Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. :-)
Kids are amazing...sometimes I wonder who is raising who.
Well, I watched Fireproof again last night and I really like the movie. I see some similarities to DBing, but there are some glaring differences too. Obviously, I can be patient, hold my tongue (no snide remarks) around her, but have either of you (or anyone else reading) figured out how to do both?
How to hold your tongue and be patient? Well, you have to understand what unconditional love is. Since you are religious (I am too), then you know what that is. It is unselfish. It does for another just to do, with no expectation.
So, you exhibit/model unconditional love (which in my opinion is redundant since true "love", by definition, is unconditional) by being around her with a positive, loving attitude. No snide comments, nothing done in anger. And, NO EXPECTATIONS.
One thing though. Love does not mean you are a doormat.
Patience is something you have to work at. I do NOT come by this trait naturally, and I have had to work at it.
Quote:
How does the WAS see the changes you are making if you hardly ever see eachother?
You look and act your best when you ARE around her. You work on having the best relationship you can with your kids (which you should do anyway). In short, you become the best YOU possible. But, you have to understand you have no control over your W. She may see your changes or she may not. But, either way, you win b/c you are improving yourself.
But I honestly break my own rule on that. I pray everyday that God makes me a better man, allows my wife to see that and allows her heart to let me in again.
Who is to say that God is not doing just that? You have to admit that you have already become a better man! Just think what you will be like by the time God gets you all polished up!
As for your W and God allowing you to be in her heart again, that is something that will be done in God's time. Since your W (and every human being) has free will, God won't over-ride her volition, but I've seen Him put a "want to" in people's hearts and therefore, I believe that He can help your W to feel love for you. In fact, I know He can.....but as you hear over and over again....it takes longer than you want it to.
You are doing good. You are going to get through this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am getting better. It doesn't change the hurt I feel, or the guilt.
Tonight my wife called the kids, which we do each night we are away. I had to talk to her because she has asked me if she could pick them up for a few hours tomorrow. We have a 2 year old, and 7 days on/off works for our 11 year old, okay for our 6 year old, but for a two year old, it is an eternity. We had to confirm times. It was a good talk. I kept it VERY short...less than 30 seconds. I said hello, how are you? She said good, then asked how I was. I said just fine! We confirmed the times and I let her get back to talking with the kids.
I can't tell you how much I just wanted to talk to her. I didn't. I dictated the conversation, which isn't to mean I was an ass, but only to say that I followed the DB rules. Say what you have to say, not what you want to say. Then it was back to wrestling with my 2-year old son while she talked with our D's.
Tomorrow is church. Our middle D sings for the first time. She is sooo excited. She told Mom tonight (keep in mind that my wife was raised catholic, married Lutheran and is now non-practicing...she said as recently as a few weeks ago "you know how I feel about religion", meaning she didn't think much of it). Surprisingly, she asked that I take pictures. I learned last week that she is praying with the kids at night before bed. Wow.
I had a rough night a few weeks ago. I was having completly irrational jealousy issues. I went to bed and actually prayed that I have a restful night sleep. I had a dream that night that we were in church and my wife walked in and sat by us. Nothing was said, she just walked in and sat with us like we were a family again.
Now, I am an educated guy, I am a logical, liberal, science based guy. My brain was on over-load, I went to bed wanting to be able to rest and my brain fired off some neurons that made me have a dream that allowed me to sleep all night long.
But isn't it weird? To fine out the next week she is praying with the kids. Sure, maybe it is for the kids sake. I don't know.
Somethings can't be explained, like love, life or how someone solves a rubic's cube with their eyes closed.
I really appreciate your words of encouragment. I've even started to post on other peoples threads....not sure I am at a point where I can help others, but it helps to see others going through what I am as well.
Church was good today. I just have a tough time staying positive. I am continuing to work on it.
My W is picking up the kids for a few hours today to take them to lunch. I will run up by a buddies place for a few drinks and the early NFL game. Gotta keep GALing, and honestly, when I am feeling down, like today, it helps more than anything else.
There is a really good Christian rock song that I heard today called "While I'm waiting" it's part of the fireproof soundtrack. It's pretty good.
I had a quote that I posted a while back that said "Patience is easy when you have something to do in the meanwhile". That song is about just that.
While I am waiting, I will continue to work on everything positive in my life, let it take up the space that I allowed negative habits to come into. I get my guitar on Tuesday...so that is something to look forward to. My 11 yo D hates it when I say "I can't wait to Jam with you", she thinks the word "Jam" is very uncool for her dad to use, so I keep using it :-)
This is the last weekend I have my kids for the next three weeks. My W has them next weekend, but the following weekend, they have a family wedding to attend with her, then the following weekend is hers again. I basically have an IOU for when I want them for 3 or 4 days sometime. Our kids aren't commodities though, if there is an event in their family (which encompasses both my wife's family and my family), then they need to go. It's a chance for me to GAL like never before...and I will.
Ah, crap. I need something positive to happen. The more God gives you, the more he expects from you. I will never wish that I didn't have everything that I do have, but the expectations from God are sure pretty high.
This is supposed to be the week we file for divorce. There are certainly many things standing in the way of that right now. We'll have to see. Taking things moment by moment makes me realize that Wed, Thurs and Friday are MANY moments away yet.
Like Mother Theresa said, "I know God will never give me more than I can handle...I just wish he didn't trust me so much".
This might have been my strongest day yet, at least with my W.
First off, it is a tough day; but I was determined to be positive in front of my wife. She asked to come over and get the kids for a few hours. Since her parents were not feeling well, she really didn't have any place to take them, so I offered to let them all stay at the house while I "ran some errands".
I was gone for about 2 1/2 hours and cam home when I said I would. She hung around about 20 minutes longer, clearly she didn't want to leave, I know it was the kids that held her here, not me; but it is a consideration in D. This is how it is going to be.
She didn't mention divorce, she was nice, certainly quiet, etc...
I was as perky as I could be. DB pros would have been happy with my performance. I was upbeat. When she got here, the kids and I were playing in the woods behind our home. Daddy kid time. We were having a blast learning about the differnt plants, etc...
When mom came, I told them I was going to leave for a while so Mom could spend some time with them. My W did nothing to hurry me out the door, but I didn't give her the chance. This was her time, and I respected that.
I went out and hung out with some friends, watched the Packer game and came home when I said I would. They were all on the couch, looking comfy, watching a movie. I didn't ask her to leave. I emptied the dishwasher and after that she got up and started saying goodbye. I can't lie. I would have loved her to stay. For her to say that she wanted to work on things. I didn't expect that, and it didn't happen.
I remained upbeat. I offered the option for her to stay and fill a scarecrow with leaves but she declined. I DID NOT show any emotion over that. I said, "okay" and went about doing what I was doing. I think she expected me to ask her again, I did not.
I love my wife. Seeing her on the couch with the kids all wrapped up in blankets made me want that life back. But I also know that what we are going through is for a greater good. Either to have a stronger marraige in the future, or to better ourselves for future relationships.
It was clearly hard for her to leave. We waved goodbye, and now I am going to go have an emotional few minutes by myself before we start making our scarecrow.
This is very difficult, but I accomplished something today that is out of character with me. I was a friend to her. I showed compassion, but nothing more. I didn't talk about the R at all. I was happy in front of her.
It was all an act though. I sure hope this is the right approach.
I keep thinking that having her come home and seeing me playing with the kids did the same thing to her that coming home and finding them cuddling on the couch did to me.
PLEASE, keep praying for my family and my R. I want this to work. My pile of little grains fo sand (hope) has never been higher, but I expect that it will get blown down by her very soon.
Thank you for your continued support and prayers. You have mine as well.
This is very difficult, but I accomplished something today that is out of character with me. I was a friend to her. I showed compassion, but nothing more. I didn't talk about the R at all. I was happy in front of her.
You are doing great. You are certainly stronger than I. Lately I've been avoiding her as much as possible because I haven't been able to hold up the facade. I guess I'm not giving her much to miss. The being "up" part has been my biggest downfall by far.
Sorry about divorce mediation.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
