Who is this person?

[Day by Day]

As I said before, you have the cognitive info you need. You need more patience and you need to lose the anger. I found Marianne WIlliamson to be helpful in that in her book 'Return to Love". She has others too. I used to listen to them when I'd go on my "anger" walks and she'd calm me down a lot. THEN I'd let h call me if he needed to. Always did those exercises if I thought he'd call.

Have you read The Five Love languages? Your h may need "words of affirmation" and if he does and you aren't verbal about it, then his "bank account" is low or empty...Your h wanted to "brag" to you about his job.

I've been reading these books (along with so many others)and especially like the Return to Love book. I agree that it helps with losing the anger.

[Butterfly1]

Marianne Williamson has a website as well with some meditations, etc.

[Day by Day]

Thanks for the info!!

[sandi2]

Anger is such a powerful emotion. I believe that you need your C to guide you in how to know healthy ways to channel the anger. I am sure your H needs to know how to do that also. This has to be a huge issue in the M stitch. It was like to cases of high exposive matter and waiting for one tiny spark to set it off.

With the NC, this means to not be around when he picks up the kids, right? To be like a ghost?

That is the way I see it.

My C had told me to use those times he comes over to show that I'm doing fine and be all happy and looking great. That didn't seem to work much, so I'll try the NC at those times too.

I know what your C is saying and I agree....however, I think it is too soon for you to be able to carry that off looking as if you are all fine & dandy. You need to get some of this emotional baggage off of your first. Then after a time of NC, you will be able to gradually work in a few minutes here & there of him seeing you looking smoking hot! I love it when the W is looking like that and while the WAH is still standing there with his mouth hanging open and wondering how he could ever have been crazy enough to leave something that looks that good....she gets her purse, smiles her prettiest smile and says, "Well, I have plans for the evening. You all have fun".

[Day by Day]

Thanks again Sandi, yes, I agree with you. I'm working on my emotional baggage more than ever lately. And tomorrow when H comes for the kids, I won't be around. This break from him with NC (2 wks) has been very calming for me. I've spent my time reading here and reading books that have been helping me. I'm feeling much more peaceful. I'll just need more time to get stronger I think. Thanks for the positive visual of the scenario of seeing H again. I did try that last month and thought I pulled it off just like you described, but I guess it was too soon for him and he just didn't miss me enough or believe me.

Today while on my long training run, I was talking to a fellow runner that mentioned to me that she was a WAW and we discussed my S. While I read here about WAS, it was quite different to speak face-to-face and have her tell me about the actions my H has towards me. Having her show me compassion and giving me hope and telling me to keep holding on made it even more real the things I've been reading here. She discussed her hate for her H and how she got over it and how it wasn't about him, but about not liking herself, etc. She said she finally believed her H's changes too. Just like I've read here. They are happily back together. It was so encouraging just to have her sympathize with me face-to-face and to tell me to just have patience. I know I've read it here but this made it more personal. She also discussed about having positive visuals (like the one you gave me Sandi). One I'm going to try is making a poster board full of positive images, magazine clippings of a happy family.

[sandi2]

Good for you! You sound so strong and great today!

[Day by Day]

I need some advice... H is supposed to get the kids tomorrow. He hasn't told me what time he will pick them up BUT he has told the kids.

Should I ask him myself? Or just leave it how it is. I really wish I would be notified officially. But if it's pursuing to ask him, I'd just as well let him just deal directly with the kids although I thought it wasn't the right thing to do.

Please give me some input! Don't know what is best in this situation.

[sandi2]

Well, since your children are the age they are, I wouldn't think it would hurt to casually ask, "What time are you guys leaving tomorrow?" It is when the parents start using the kids as a messenger of bitter statements or if they won't face the other spouse and say things to them "through" the children. Does that make sense?

[Day by Day]

Okay, makes sense. So I won't bother to find out through him. I also don't know what time they'll return. I'll let it go and let them text me. I'll just guess a two hr time window. That'll help with the NC anyhow. It's between them anyway.

Thanks for helping me see that clearer.

[Day by Day]

I'm needing to vent.

While H had the kids this afternoon, I got a text from D saying that H has threatened to stop paying for her horse's boarding and I also wasn't notified that H left the kids alone(I wasn't home). Maybe he told them to notify me.

I didn't reply to D's TM because I felt it would be interfering and not for me to do anything about. I find out later from D that H said that to her because she started discussing the S and she walked out on him at a restaurant because she said he was insulting me. She didn't tell me what the insults were. She said he said he'd make me pay for her horse's boarding--which I can't afford and she knows that. That's just cruel. The horse means everything to her--and he knows THAT. WTH! She wanted to know why we weren't talking to each other and he said we are. ?? He mentioned though that I didn't go to the counseling and that he respects my decision not to go. All I know that he was told that I was hesitant to go. D said she wanted him to know that I'm not the angry person he says I am and that we are all over it and he needs to get over it and come back home.

I've explained to her that it's not her responsiblity to fix the situation several times before and repeated it again. I also heard from D that S was saying he hated H and they were arguing too. It did end okay though. D said they played video games and that H mentioned that he's like one of the characters gets low on energy, but gets revived when she hugs him. I used that to let her know that he needs lots of love right now too.

I usually don't probe the kids for info on their visits with H, but I didn't like hearing that he was threatening her with something so out of bounds. Ugh. I just see it as he was trying to control her and get her to stop questioning him. She said he semi-apologized by saying she should have not walked out but said that it wasn't fair to insult me when I wasn't there to defend myself. So strange.

I'm still sticking with NC. I'm seeing why it's best not to hear from the kids about their visits with H. It's confusing.