I was wondering if anyone could chime in on my sitch. H moved out 3 weeks ago--doesnt admit to OW (no fault state) yet as she is still with her H. My 21 year old son confronted him and he admitted it to him (cried and said son just doesnt understand) and H said I probably have already guessed too. I didnt figure it out til right when he moved out but never told H. What is the DB theory on the OW with a WAH? Cant see that confronting him makes sense if he is already gone from house. He signed a 6 mo lease and I think their plan is first he leaves, then she leaves then they just happen to get together after their marriages break up. I dont want to accelerate the plan but does it just make it too easy for them? When he comes over to work on winterizing the house, it is so surreal. Do I just go on acting the same--happy, social and light and ignore the OW. ALso, we may--big if- be going for counselling briefly--I am trying to get him to go to the wOODSTCK OFFICE OF mWD for an intensive ot help with our children (grown ut angry) issues. Do I say anything before that? Advice, thoughts, appreciated from oters who have been thee.
To me, I could not -- and would not -- ignore the gorilla in the room, and I wasn't going to continue to allow my family to be bathed in deceit from my wife. Although I initially confronted her about her affair, and exposed it to her parents and our adult daughters, she continued to lie to all of them for another month or so, even telling them "Puppy is crazy, there's nothing going on -- we're just friends." I calmly but firmly re-confronted my wife, let her know that I wouldn't tolerate having my own reputation run down when EVERYTHING I'D BEEN SAYING WAS THE GOD'S-HONEST TRUTH, and that she either told her parents and our adult children the truth, or I would, and I would show them my evidence.
I also told her she had 5 minutes to respond.
She told them the truth.
I don't think you can control their adultery, but you can certainly insist on the truth, at least when they're speaking to you. I think it's an important boundary. So whether or not you want to confront your H or not, I would at LEAST, the next time he says something you KNOW to be a lie, put your hand up in the "STOP" position and say:
"Please stop. We both know that you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family. I know all about you and _______ . If you want to break your marriage vows, that's your decision, but I still not stand here and be lied to. I think I deserve at least that much, don't you?"
I think that I would do both things and mean it. I confronted my H on his internet porn and his sex texting and then the stuff that he texted to my own sister. He denied it all until I showed the proof of what I had found. He could not deny it any longer.
What proof do you have or have seen that there is an OW? Do you want to save your M? Or are you looking for advice on what to do after things are pretty much over in the M?
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Thank you for the advice. I do know for 99.99% sure that the OW husband will not be able to stop the A. This is not a affair where the light will extinquish it. They think they are in love, they do not want to be with their spouses or continue their marriages. The OW (and my H) in their slightly askew brains decided it would be less hurtful to let us-their spouses down slowly in steps. ( We are talking months even 1 1/2 years of planning and slowsteps) First just tell them you are unhappy,then tell them their/our efforts to change arent working, that you dont feel love but let them keep trying new activities, planning dates. weight loss,new sex techniques and more but it is "too late" ,then finally tell them you are moving out to "think things over and get your head straight" while you get names of mediators on side. The OW would never choose her H over mine--they work together and text each other 20-30 times a day like teenagers.Telling her H will only remove what they consider the last impediment to their being together sooner (letting him down easily and letting him think it is not about another person)It will definitely speed up divorce filings on both sides.
Boy Puppy--I have copied and printed off what you said. Icannot wait for the day when I can say that.It rings with such truth and light. However, I have this slight hope that if I can delay the divorce H may grow tired of her. Had your wife moved out--or was she still trying to have her cake and eat it too? It seems so different when H has already shown by moving out that he doesn't care about saving M at all. IIf I confront him now--it will really take him off the hook--he doesn't have to tell people or feel bad anymore--I have done all the work for him. Plus I need some time to contact a lawyer and find out what I need to do if it does come out and he stops paying on the house etc.It doenst feel quite right but Ithink it is about timing. Bravo for you for saying that to her.
Sorry for asking this if you have already mentioned it, but do OW and her H have children?
My sitch was not unlike yours and I was the last S to find out. OW had already moved out and was waiting for my H to make the next move. I was able to put a stop to it once I knew about it and my kids also helped. My H couldn't believe how horror struck they were by what he was doing/planning.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I appreciate everyone's comments. The OW is married with 3 grown children in twenties--my kids are 21 and 24. I dont think my H cares enough about how they feel totally betrayed by their dad to stop him from anything at this point. My H apparently stayed in the marriage til the kids were grown. I am just hoping he will tire of her. I actually think that if the OW H finds out it will speed up the divorce--what would stop them once everyone knows. SO I am trying to buy some time but a part of me wants to confront. There would be some censor from his parents and some friends but D is so common now it would blow over. My H older sister actually ended up with her neighbor 25 years ago and by the time his parents spun it--it was the H fault for going out on his boat too much. Infidelity is easily excused. IF I were the OW H, I would like to know but Ihave read enough on these boards to know if I were to tell him, he has no loyalty to me and he could use it, it would make my H mad,might escalate things, and as most say here--the affair is about letting the marriage fall apart, losing communication skills and not really about the OW. If there were young kids on either side, airing the affair might make a difference. I am open to other opinions on this especially if somehow I should let OW H know--maybe he does but I doubt it as she is still sneaking around.
Thank you for the advice. I do know for 99.99% sure that the OW husband will not be able to stop the A. This is not a affair where the light will extinquish it. They think they are in love, they do not want to be with their spouses or continue their marriages. The OW (and my H) in their slightly askew brains decided it would be less hurtful to let us-their spouses down slowly in steps. ( We are talking months even 1 1/2 years of planning and slowsteps) First just tell them you are unhappy,then tell them their/our efforts to change arent working, that you dont feel love but let them keep trying new activities, planning dates. weight loss,new sex techniques and more but it is "too late" ,then finally tell them you are moving out to "think things over and get your head straight" while you get names of mediators on side. The OW would never choose her H over mine--they work together and text each other 20-30 times a day like teenagers.Telling her H will only remove what they consider the last impediment to their being together sooner (letting him down easily and letting him think it is not about another person)It will definitely speed up divorce filings on both sides.
BNA,
EVERYONE always thinks that on this forum. DO NOT FOR A MOMENT be so sure of this:
Quote:
This is not a affair where the light will extinquish it. They think they are in love, they do not want to be with their spouses or continue their marriages.
Their giddy plans are VERY much "script," and many (not all, but over 50%) flop like a fish when confronted.
To answer your other question, my wife was still living with me in our home, but we barely spoke for days at a time. We'd arranged our schedules so that we could almost completely avoid each other, and still co-parent effectively, and she was in the DEPTH of her affair when I did this re-confrontation.
Do you know the OW's H very well? Maybe if you let him know then he would be on your side through all of it.
How long have you known that there was an OW? Sounds like you have known for a little bit at least. How are you still living with your H? What are the arrangements in your house at this point? Do you and your H fight over the OW? Are you civil to him or do you accused him? IS he civil to you or an a$$? Is there no turning back in his mind and he has told you this for sure?
I am sorry to be asking so many personal questions. I am just trying to figure your sitch out a little bit more so that I and the rest of the peeps on here might be able to give you some more 'sound' advice.
Hang in there. Keep coming back to this site and posting. I have been on here for over a year. Though my H and I are not at the best that we could(and hopefully can) be, I have gotten lots of good advice and I am still married through all the stuff that has happened in my M so far. Like you, I have been dealing with my H's extra activities out side of our M. He swears he did not actually cheat on me. I still don't believe that he did not cheat but that is all in my sitch.
Keep posting. We are here for you.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Puppy I did a mini confrontation about OW--H was here friday to work on house. I told him I knew there was OW but I wasnt mad--told him I want him to be happy, that it wasnt about the OW but about us letting our marriage deteriorate to the point he needed comfort elsewhere. Did not beg him to come back or plead just told him I understood how it could happen. This is really a 180 for me as he expected I couldnt handle it and would be a "crazy bitch" about it. He was shocked to the core of his being. I really meant what I said. He stayed the night--we watched a funny movie, he slept next to me, we tried to ML (some issues there either post heart attack or related to affair--i dont know)the next morning. HE stayed and worked on the house more.. and we had an easy relaxed day. I probably did everything wrong re DB but I was tired of the gorilla in the room and I am not going to be angry or bitter. I feel sorry for how much pain he is and was in. I thanked him for being honest--of course he really wasnt as I brought it up but it is probably as close as it will get. I didnt stay completely away from R issues as I should have
