Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[Faith2010]

dear husband -

i spend so much time blaming myself for your mistakes. i wonder why i do then i think maybe it's because if I blame you then I will hate you. you are the one who has broken our marriage vows and given your emotions to someone who is not your wife. you are the one who has told lie after lie. you are the one who is in denial and is completely self-centered. for several months I have stood by and watched you completely destroy everything good in your life. i have prayed, wished, begged, and pleaded with God that you come back to me and our S.

here i am, in the midst of it all, once again crying because I still love you. here i am, feeling broken and betrayed. here i am, wanting to grasp onto any little bit of hope you give me. here i am, waiting for you to come back to me. here i am, wanting to believe your lies.

you have caused me so much pain. you have taken away my security. you have stomped on my heart.

there are no words to describe the torture I feel inside. the anguish, the pain, the hurt...those are the feelings i am left with.

i no longer want to feel this way. i want to say i no longer love you but we both know that's a lie.

i wish you cared. i wish you loved me the way you once did. i wish this wasn't happening. i wish i could disappear.

i know someday i will forgive you. i know someday i will be okay. what i don't know is if you will be there when it happens.

my dear husband i hope i stop blaming myself for what you have done.

[mishka422]

I need the man I married. He's the one who was always there. He's the one I turned to.

Back up honey. You don't need him. You don't need anyone but yourself. You may want that man, but as you said in your next sentence....that man doesn't exist anymore.

Ash, I know most of this is the pain talking, but in pain we also find truth. The truth I am seeing here is that you are extremely codependent. Are you seeing a C? If not, why not? Get into one ASAP. You need to work through the trauma first, then work through the underlying issues.

Again, break down right now. You need to. But you need to quickly get back on your feet and get to work strengthening yourself.

Love is among the top 5 four letter words for me. IMO, love makes us stupid and blind to the act that so many people in our lives put on. You aren't blind anymore. Use the clarity of vision you have been given to your advantage!

[Faith2010]

Mishka-

I am in C. I was very codependent for an extremely long time. I have come a long way since then. Whether I am completely past it, I don't know.

I should have said want, not need. I know I don't need him.

There are times I want the man I married back so bad I can't see straight. There are other times when I wonder why.

I've always been afraid of being a failure. I know I still have that fear. Another aspect is my religion and the vows I took. I feel like I have committed so many sins in my life I don't want to add this to it. I know I need to go to a Priest to discuss because I really struggle with it.

While driving tonight I thought "I am worth it. If he can't see that, that's his problem, not mine."

I will survive...of that I am sure.

[Gardener]

Ash,

There are times I want the man I married back so bad I can't see straight. There are other times when I wonder why.

Ain't it the truth. But the woman I love(d) doesn't exist anymore and I don't much like who she's become. In love with a memory, I guess.

I will survive...of that I am sure.

I don't doubt it at all. You are one strong woman.

[cpfullofhope]

Ashlee-
I have tears rolling as I read your thread because I remember those feelings all too well. There is nothing worse than loosing your best friend and feeling you have no one to turn to. I am here to tell you it does get better. My sitch hasn't really gotten better, but I have.

I can tell you now with no uncertaintly, that I want my marriage to work, and I grieve for my son and what he is going through, but I will be OK no matter what. I could not have said that with any certainty even a few months ago.

I have found prayer to be the best and really only thing that has helped me. When I feel overwhelmed, I give it to God, when I am sad I ask for his strength...when I am confused I ask for clarity. I have never talked to God so much in all of my life. I am still not exactly sure what His plan is for my life, but I know I will be OK regardless because He has my best interest at heart. It is hard not to know and I think that is a big issue for many of us....the not knowing.

I believe the same thing for you. It does not take the pain away, but know that God has a plan for you and your family and this situation is part of that plan.

You are in my prayers Ash.

Christy

[Fallgirl]

My sitch hasn`t really gotten any better but I have too Ashlee!

And so will you!

C`mon girl!

What are your GAL goals?

Focus on YOU and your kid.

H just can`t be the friend you need right now. Love yourself first-hug yourself, be good to yourself, have fun yourself.

There`s lots of us on the same journey Ashlee, all shouting for you too.

Make fun for you right now!

Hugs!

[PainfulDusk]

((Ashlee))

Im sorry things are so bad for you right now. I know that pain, and that anger. Everyone here gave you great advice. Let us know how you are. Im kinda in and out until Im feeling better, but I will keep checking in on you.


Dusk

[mishka422]

How are you doing Ashlee?

[Faith2010]

I'm taking it day by day.

H is gone...supposedly to GA to see his sister. The first day he had to stop somewhere in NC because he was too tired. Ended up staying 2 nights because of some stomach bug, at least that was the story he cooked up for me.

Part of me wants to know if he is with her and part of me doesn't.

I cry almost everyday. I have been obsessing on whether he's with her and I have to stop.

Sometimes I am just so tired. Not much seems worth it anymore. I do my best to stay strong for my S. If I didn't have him I wouldn't have anything.

I'm so twisted inside. I keep asking myself what I really want and why I'm so scared to lose my M.

[givingitmyall]

I'm taking it day by day.

H is gone...supposedly to GA to see his sister. The first day he had to stop somewhere in NC because he was too tired. Ended up staying 2 nights because of some stomach bug, at least that was the story he cooked up for me.

Part of me wants to know if he is with her and part of me doesn't.

I cry almost everyday. I have been obsessing on whether he's with her and I have to stop.

Sometimes I am just so tired. Not much seems worth it anymore. I do my best to stay strong for my S. If I didn't have him I wouldn't have anything.

I'm so twisted inside. I keep asking myself what I really want and why I'm so scared to lose my M.

Ashlee,

You have a decision to make. And I don't want to sound cold, but here it goes. You can either stay where you are, mired in the emotions that no one blames you for having or you can pick yourself up, bruises and all, dust yourself off, and decide right now to stop focusing on anything except you and your S.

Your H may or may not come to his senses. Regardless of what he chooses to do, you must become reliant on yourself for your happiness. If you allow your happiness to depend upon your H's moods and actions, you will not be emotionally healthy. If you are not emotionally healthy, you will not be able to maintain a happy, healthy R with anyone.

I know you are hurting and I know your world has been turned upside down. But the time has come for you to take back control over your life.

It may seem hard, but you can do this.