WAW and the husband that wants her back.

[undrdg]

My W is having a hard time with the loss of our dog. Do you think this a good time to be distant from her?

Should I go out of my way to show he caring and unconditional support?

What do you guys think i should do?

[chatterbug]

Perhaps this would be a good time to work on listening skills. If she talks listen. If she wants a hug. Hold her. If she wants to stay distant. Let her. Be the solid wall that you are. If she opens up and wants to let you mourn the loss as well. Well mourn the loss. But do not step past that boundry.

[Dia]

Hi, Underdog,

I've been reading through your sitch. I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. Pets are family, and it hurts when they go.

About your W, I'm going to give you the same advice I give to women in your situation.

1) Detach and pull back. She senses your neediness and she avoids you because of it.

2) Be fabulous! Haircut, shave, cologne, dress sharply. Try a new do or some new duds. Don't do it for her; do it because it's fun and you deserve it.

3) Be light, happy and casual. Fake it if you have to.

4) No ILYs, no "I miss yous", no hugs unless she initiates. Give her space.

and you know I'm going to say it...

5) You have GOT to GAL!!

When I needed to GAL, I made myself a list. When I got needy or down, I went to my list and did something on it.

Here was my list. You'll have to adapt it for you, of course.

Take a walk
Go to the pool/hot tub
Paint my nails
Fuss with hair or make-up for a new look
Go to a movie
Go to a bookstore
Take myself for lunch or coffee
Call my sister to chat
Call my friends to chat (note: CHAT - not to moan about my sitch)
Try a new recipe (And yeah, H does wonder where I learned all these new dishes)
Go to a museum or art gallery
Go to a performance or lecture at the college
Go to the zoo

And btw - I mean to actually write stuff down, not just make a list in your head. Trust me, it helps.

Also, try making a list of what things would look like if they were getting better. I think my first ones were:

H initiates a phone call or email (not about D or kid)
H seems happy to see me
H initiates a hug
H invites me to watch a movie with him

Start with teeny, tiny things and WRITE THEM DOWN. It does wonders for your PMA when you get a phone call and you think "Wow. That was on my list! Things just got a little better."

Also, notice how I worded it that he had to initiate. That helped me keep from trying to hug him or asking *him* if he wanted to watch a movie because I knew it wouldn't count for my list.

I hope this helps. Hang in there!

[chatterbug]

Good words Dia. I need to work on my goals with things getting better in the marriage. The only one I have right now is bust affair.... The rest are all based around me.

[Gardener]

Dia,

When I needed to GAL, I made myself a list. When I got needy or down, I went to my list and did something on it.

Here was my list. You'll have to adapt it for you, of course.

Take a walk
Go to the pool/hot tub
Paint my nails
Fuss with hair or make-up for a new look
Go to a movie
Go to a bookstore
Take myself for lunch or coffee
Call my sister to chat
Call my friends to chat (note: CHAT - not to moan about my sitch)
Try a new recipe (And yeah, H does wonder where I learned all these new dishes)
Go to a museum or art gallery
Go to a performance or lecture at the college
Go to the zoo

All good ideas, but most of them are flying solo. I thought that GAL involved more of doing things with other people, preferably new other people. Am I wrong? Have I been (successfully/unsuccessfully) aiming too high GALing?

[Dia]

Hi, Gardener,

I think you're right that more socially oriented activities are the ideal. The particulars of my sitch meant that I was already isolated both socially and geographically. The night I went out to see live music? There *wasn't* anyone who could go with me, so I went myself.

However, if you look at a good half of those activities, even though they weren't planned as joint events, they took me to locations such as bookstores and galleries where I would have the opportunity to *meet* like minded folk.

[undrdg]

Well I am at the w place watching football, taking care of the D and having awkward silences.
How do I proceed here. I think she senses the awkwardness too.

[Dia]

Lighten up the mood. Laugh at something. Let your facial expression be pleasant. Go to the bathroom, take a few deep breaths and relax. STAY relaxed.

Don't try too hard to engage her in conversation. Play with D. Laugh some more.

Think of your W like a lamp in the corner. You'll look up and pay attention if something unusual happens like the bulb going out but otherwise, it's just a lamp. Nobody stresses over a lamp. Your focus should be on your D.

[undrdg]

well that didn't work. SHe didn't even want me there. Or maybe she did but was to uptight about what has been happening.

We had our first money talk. That degraded quickly. I stopped it before it got too bad. Apologized and told her that this was the last time I was going to talk about the R at all.

Now my job is taking care of the only family i have left my D.
She will now be the sole focus of my life.

I am going to move on. going to live my life. going to buy new things and going to stop thinking about what the W is doing.

I will go forth and look at other women if that happens. I will go forth and have a good time.

My time as a victim is over.

I am a strong resolute man.

I am a leader.

And most importantly I am a man worth the effort. Worth the effort to someone that deserves my affection.

[Gardener]

undrdg,

Now my job is taking care of the only family i have left my D.
She will now be the sole focus of my life.

I am going to move on. going to live my life. going to buy new things and going to stop thinking about what the W is doing.

I will go forth and look at other women if that happens. I will go forth and have a good time.

My time as a victim is over.

I am a strong resolute man.

I am a leader.

And most importantly I am a man worth the effort. Worth the effort to someone that deserves my affection.

Bravo! Inspirational!