Just got back from lunch with H's sister visiting from out-of-state. Woke up with an icky headache this morning so I must have been really stressed about today (Hot pack on the neck now). Wasn't in tip-top form for my session with Jody and need to get better in the next 3 hours because my GAL activity this evening is to attend a reception hosted by 4 former state attorneys general and a former US VP. I am going with the person who has the inside info on H's dating life. Should be an interesting evening!
H drove SIL to my house (the house we had owned together). H and SIL came up to the front door together. The house looks great! I decorated new autumn planters and a wreath on the front door and 3 carved pumpkins on the front steps. With the autumn leaves everywhere the house looks like it could be on the front of a greeting card.
When I opened the front door SIL's eyes opened wide and she exclaimed "Wow! You look great!" (she hasn't seen me since I lost about 30 pounds -- I now weigh less than when I met H). I said "This is what happens when you work 25 hr/week less than before". H said he wanted to take photos of SIL with me and the cat. H and I hugged when he arrived and when he departed and bantered in a friendly manner before he left. SIL got to see all of this interaction and joking.
Then SIL and I got in my car to drive to restaurant. We were chatting about how nice the house looked....... Me: I told H he is welcome here any time. SIL: Yes, he knows that and he appreciates that. Me: Really? He said that? SIL: Oh yes.
SIL and I had a very nice visit. It was probably the most substantive talk we've ever had, so that was really nice. In the past our conversations had typically been filled with pleasantries. SIL started out by explaining that she had been "ordered" by H to stay out of contact with me in the past. She felt badly that she hadn't been in touch. I said "So this must mean that the gag order has been lifted?" She said "I guess so".
I made a point of asking her about her life and LISTENING. Here are some of the important points from a DB perspective.
Me: H seems really stressed out....and he seems unhappy too. SIL: (could hardly wait for me to finish before chiming in) Yes! He DOES seem really stressed. Me: I've worried about him. SIL: I think that since he owns the company, HE always has to deal with equipment breakdowns and staff illnesses or if their children are ill......Plus, moving mom has been a lot of work for him.
At another point in the convo we talked about their childhood growing up with an alcoholic mother.
SIL: I have really blocked out a lot of what happened growing up.....I don't have memories of much of it. (She went on to say she thinks her childhood trauma still has a big affect on her life). I have been in counseling for years. Me: Yes, I used to tell H that you and he were in the same household at about the same time (she is 2 1/2 years older) so you both would have been exposed to many of the same events. SIL: Yes, I used to stay away from it (hide in my room). I wouldn't go "out there" (out of my room) but H would just go right out there and deal with it. H says that it doesn't affect him. I think that it (traumatic childhood) has affected him a lot more than he realizes or is willing to realize. Me: Yes, in the clinic where I work a certain number of our patients have significant stress. When stress comes as a result of childhood trauma patients are limited in their ability to get better if they don't deal with those issues. Some patients just aren't at a point where they can go there. SIL: (Nodded in a knowing way......knowing that we were both thinking about my H, her brother.)
So.....this means that SIL GETS it, that H running away from our M is somehow linked to his childhood trauma. I know that SIL talks to H by phone at least 2-3 times/week. At least now I don't think that she is a negative influence, and may even be a positive influence, although H is pretty single-minded when he sets his mind to something. That's how he was when he courted me.
H was moody when he picked up SIL. He had been phoning both of us that he was arriving shortly and neither of us heard our phones ring. SIL got to see firsthand his moodiness. SIL indicated that she would be keeping in touch with me.
So Ali, I think that I successfully implemented your suggestions and did not come off as a bunny boiler. SIL knows that I am sane. Thank you all for your support!
