UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Sanderika]

Hi there Nell,

Just caught up on your sitch over the past two weeks.....

You did very well on Sunday with H, Kudos!!!!

I want to add that when my H left he was as depressed as I was. We had done it to each other. Our, then current, situation was depressing the he!! out of us both. I would not have called my H suicidal nor myself, but we were both so deep in the well we could not believe there would be daylight ever again.

My H told me he had to leave. I think he was afraid of the consequences if he had stayed. I do believe he left for another woman because he had a place to go. Men don't leave without a place to go. I think you have to realize the possibility that H left for OW. It is possible, even if you don't think so.

Your attention to H is very crucial right now. Use your knowing him as a tool. One way to create friendship is to engage him in his interests and work. I say it's ok to talk to him even if the convo is only about him. Keep it that way until you have re-gained his attention and his comfort level with you returns.

Eventually he will greet you and want to know how you have been getting along and how work is and how this and that is....it will take time and it will happen. You have to allow H the time to trust you again. Your encounters have to become simple and safe and genuine before he reaches to you.

Every new encounter with him will go well if you maintain that same behavior you had last Sunday. Keep analyzing that day, it's ok. Keep the positives front and center in your memory and at the next visit bring it all back. You made H comfortable, look how long he stayed. You also got him to talk. VERY GOOD!!!! I know it was not all positives. It certainly wasn't bad. All our H's have done the same. When they want to talk, you talk. Validate their feelings. Come across as warm, concerned, forgiving and understanding. This is what he needs right now. Good communication will be the key to any success you have with your H. I think you sending him the email to thank him was fine. You gave him a boost. You validated his behavior at the same time and trust me.....he is looking for positive validation for all his moves right now. I looked at as simple kindness for his presence and assistance. If you leave it as one email it is thanks any more will look like persueing.

Leave him to ponder the day (trust me he will and is). You have had a good week. This is baby steps. Have no expectations for more. It's when you least expect it H will come out of the woodwork and make contact.

Another bonus is H did not force the house valuation and have a gritty financial talk. I didn't hear you mention he took stuff with him either. All VERY GOOD!!!!!

Go back to NC and leave him be....

You are doing just fine. Keep in mind this sitch is young. I know the he!! you are in, boy do I. This is all stuff we have seen and lived and I expected the same in your sitch. You have to remember your goal is to bring him back to the marriage. With that in mind, behave in a manner with your every being that will bring that about. It's not an option. It's crucial to reconcile this marriage. You know what it feels like to have a good visit. Make them all good....the results will be surprising for both of you. I say this from experience.

Nell, I can't post much anymore. I will pop in from time to time and play catch up. My mind is busing in accepting "what is.....is". I am tired. I do not mean to back out on you. I don't feel good posting about me in the current state, I know you can understand. I do want to help you all and chime in when I can, so I will.

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika