Update: Right now I am working on "protecting" myself in case things move to a reconciliation. The way I am doing it is making it clear to MYSELF that I can still open up to him and work on this marriage while understanding that a possible failure or issues that may arise, will not threaten what I have managed to "establish" for myself the last couple of years.
It took a lot of effort to stop needing him to make me feel good about myself and that happened when he stopped needing me and left me and I didnt collapse (permanently). It was survival crash course. For the first time I had to keep functioning on my own and I went beyond functioning. I've been living a good life and I was on my own. I remember saying to him, I dont enjoy "friends" when he wouldnt watch with me. I wouldnt watch a movie without him. Now, although I prefer company, I enjoy what I do the same, if not more in some cases
I was a totally fused person and I realise I thought that was loving him. When I first noticed how different a close couple to us was, being highly independet but very very connected and happy (4 kids I should add), it was too late. I remember asking my best friend how come she seemed so content when her H was working late hours. I was doing OK raising the kids on my own,but the truth is resentment was building and consequently rubbed off on most of our moments together.
His part in our mess was that when he felt he had to accommodate my needs that seemed unreasonable to him, NOT being able to function without me showing him admiration and appreciation, he withdrew, got in an A and separated himself physically from me.
Out of the same reasons, we chose different paths. I asked for more, he went for nothing.
What exists now between us, proves what PM says about getting into a crisis when things are unhealthy and trying to cope with it the way we both were familiar with. None of us, chose the "healthy way". (And I am talking about the pre A era) As we became more important to each other, we lost ourselves and that created a big conflict. When stbxH says I am the most important person in his life, is exactly that. He tried to get away from me because he could NOT deal with connecting with me in ways that would sustain our relationship. When he withdrew, for me, it was ONLY personal threat/attack. I lost myself and chose to attack him.
It remains to be seen, if this crisis, will help us move to the next level of better loving and greater connection as equal partners. Honestly, that alone sounds very scary to me and he has told me in the past that the feelings he had for me scared him to death. The possibility of me dying (his words) made him want to run.
This is not an effort to justify anything. I am writing as a journal, to remind me what I should be aiming for. If I cant stand on my own two feet loving him but NOT take things as threats to my existence, what happened, will happen again. Same goes for him. ................................................... I am struggling with crazy thoughts and obsessions about the A. We went somewhere with the kids today, first time out together all of us, and my mood was changing every 10 minutes. I ruined my time and attacked my D and I was totally unfair to her. I learnt my lesson.
When I came back, I read and tried to calmed me down. I guess Schnarch calls it "self soothing". My anxiety levels are high and I know if we make a step forward officially they will rise even more.
stbxH has changed so much regarding his work. I mentioned it before because it is important to me. It has been all our common life together. Makes me feel more insecure, inadequate. I know I am not rational and I am trying to "talk myself out of it" especially since he is doing now, what I have been urging him to do for years. Only back then, I felt secure because he was rejecting my "pushes". I was on the safe side. My self worth is threatened by the fullfillment he gets from his job. NOT healthy. I should want him to feel strong and confident. Working on it. But, at the same time, I need to stand strong and demand what I need. Especially under these circumstances. It's a tricky balance act. K
