Kalni....I think it's great that you have a shot at making this work if/should/when you choose to do so.
Balloons, noisemakers, cheering, Tally-Ho's and Felicitations...IMO....are inappropriate at this time.
In surgery, my friend and I have a term called 'the euphoria of termination'. Meaning, after a long surgical case, you get all excited prematurely only to run into complications before the case is actually over. It's always best to save one's exhilaration for a difficult case well done for when the patient is off the table and, of course, discharged.
Fireworks, noisemakers, etc...I think...are inappropriate at this time. It's a period of hardwork and deep introspection...on BOTH parts.
JMO.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I like the dating idea Kalni. It doesn't have to be heavy in my opinion. I have got the impression through this that you would like a bit of old fashioned wooing and attention and, of course, the rest of the hard work can follow. Just my thoughts.
Hi, I am ok. "Holding on to myself"... LOL Just found out how much the therapy for 9 hours in a 3 day schedule, would cost us if we decided to go to PM center. Together with tickets etc would be around 10.000 dollars for doing the sessions with the man himself... I dont think stbxh would ever agree to that granted that he is not very convinced about the benefits. And if I tell him about doing it in English..., I think he would think I am crazy... I am, anyway K
FIB..I'm happy for K, things are looking up, lets not "piss on her strawberries" as we say in the UK. Noone said it wasnt going to be hard time ahead. But allowing yourself to love someone carries risks, just like surgery does, to use your analogy. To open yourself up, let someone into your soul (again) you risk getting hurt, but if you dont take that risk.. you wont get to experience the joy of love either. There are no gaurantees EVER. At some point, you just have to sign the consent form and let yourself be cut open and trust that its gonna be ok and you wont wake up with with your nuts missing instead of your appendix.
K you're not crazy! (ok a little, lol, but so am I..).would they do it a video conference with you instead? Or..how about just getting him to read the book with you..snuggled up in bed?? Its certainly cheaper
Oh I told bf the news (he thought it was great) and that you were concerned she might still get a hold on him, or cause trouble.. and bf said NO WAY. I dont think so...I think he's definetly done with her.
Update: Right now I am working on "protecting" myself in case things move to a reconciliation. The way I am doing it is making it clear to MYSELF that I can still open up to him and work on this marriage while understanding that a possible failure or issues that may arise, will not threaten what I have managed to "establish" for myself the last couple of years.
It took a lot of effort to stop needing him to make me feel good about myself and that happened when he stopped needing me and left me and I didnt collapse (permanently). It was survival crash course. For the first time I had to keep functioning on my own and I went beyond functioning. I've been living a good life and I was on my own. I remember saying to him, I dont enjoy "friends" when he wouldnt watch with me. I wouldnt watch a movie without him. Now, although I prefer company, I enjoy what I do the same, if not more in some cases
I was a totally fused person and I realise I thought that was loving him. When I first noticed how different a close couple to us was, being highly independet but very very connected and happy (4 kids I should add), it was too late. I remember asking my best friend how come she seemed so content when her H was working late hours. I was doing OK raising the kids on my own,but the truth is resentment was building and consequently rubbed off on most of our moments together.
His part in our mess was that when he felt he had to accommodate my needs that seemed unreasonable to him, NOT being able to function without me showing him admiration and appreciation, he withdrew, got in an A and separated himself physically from me.
Out of the same reasons, we chose different paths. I asked for more, he went for nothing.
What exists now between us, proves what PM says about getting into a crisis when things are unhealthy and trying to cope with it the way we both were familiar with. None of us, chose the "healthy way". (And I am talking about the pre A era) As we became more important to each other, we lost ourselves and that created a big conflict. When stbxH says I am the most important person in his life, is exactly that. He tried to get away from me because he could NOT deal with connecting with me in ways that would sustain our relationship. When he withdrew, for me, it was ONLY personal threat/attack. I lost myself and chose to attack him.
It remains to be seen, if this crisis, will help us move to the next level of better loving and greater connection as equal partners. Honestly, that alone sounds very scary to me and he has told me in the past that the feelings he had for me scared him to death. The possibility of me dying (his words) made him want to run.
This is not an effort to justify anything. I am writing as a journal, to remind me what I should be aiming for. If I cant stand on my own two feet loving him but NOT take things as threats to my existence, what happened, will happen again. Same goes for him. ................................................... I am struggling with crazy thoughts and obsessions about the A. We went somewhere with the kids today, first time out together all of us, and my mood was changing every 10 minutes. I ruined my time and attacked my D and I was totally unfair to her. I learnt my lesson.
When I came back, I read and tried to calmed me down. I guess Schnarch calls it "self soothing". My anxiety levels are high and I know if we make a step forward officially they will rise even more.
stbxH has changed so much regarding his work. I mentioned it before because it is important to me. It has been all our common life together. Makes me feel more insecure, inadequate. I know I am not rational and I am trying to "talk myself out of it" especially since he is doing now, what I have been urging him to do for years. Only back then, I felt secure because he was rejecting my "pushes". I was on the safe side. My self worth is threatened by the fullfillment he gets from his job. NOT healthy. I should want him to feel strong and confident. Working on it. But, at the same time, I need to stand strong and demand what I need. Especially under these circumstances. It's a tricky balance act. K
when he felt he had to accommodate my needs that seemed unreasonable to him
not to be negative here but this sounds familiar to me...selfish? self centered?
Prior statement nothwithstanding, that is some serious introspection K. I am not sure I understand half of it. Prior to all this, I never really believed in all this psychobabble about our past....childhood....parents....etc....through all of you, I have come to the realisation that things are not always black or white. I still try to compartmentalize my opinions (black or white) but grey is becoming more pallatable. If nothing else, this has opened my horizons to what people go through on this journey we call life.....
As always, I am pulling for your happiness and that of your loved ones....hopefully one day that will include your husband. Until then stop reading these self help books and pickup a trashy romance novel or some of those fashion magazines....you are starting to sound like you know what you are talking about.
I think the ultimate goal would be for each to be independent where they could still do their own thing with no hurt feelings and choose to be together by themselves and again with their kids. Everyone still able to keep their interests and their own identity in their relationship and yet still come together and be a couple.
I hope that makes sense.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hi M.. I really like what you wrote, its food for thought for all of us. I too had to take a long hard cold stare at how I used to operate in our old R. I hope we are more healthy now. I think its good you ackowldege your resentments and his reaction to that..not that its justification like you say.. but I personally found it helpful to understand the context of how we came to separate.
I really feel for you on the obsessional thoughts and mood swings.. I was consumed with thoughts of her (in this house and initially, I slept on her pillow and under 'their' duvet..imagine!) and what you read and saw makes it all worse. In my experience, those memories do recede as soon as you start building up new memories together and so I'm glad you all hung out today! How was his mood??
Anyway, did you read Penny Thornton today, for the week ahead? (and after by the sounds of it!).. 19th October 2009 - 25th October 2009
There are possibilities taking root now that are due to manifest next year so if your radar picks up signs and signals don't be in too much of a hurry to decipher them: they are ideas whose time has not yet come. This is not to say that you should refuse a direct proposal, especially if it is exactly what you want. It's more a case of being patient but quietly expectant, and getting on with the business in hand. A relationship can deepen and intimate secrets exchanged, and if you need to get to the root of a matter you'll do so easily and with profound results. This has been a tough year for Pisces, but here is more than a little chink of light.
hope you are feeling some calm.