What a fine line to walk between enabling her to keep thinking she wants a divorce vs not being a jerk. I feel for you! I think this one almost needs to be judged on a situation by situation basis - no one size fits all for when you need to step back and let her flounder vs when you do need to step in.
Being a woman I know that we normally give men TONS of feedback as to what we have been unhappy about in the relationship! (Although once we've given up on ever having our needs met, we might go "dark" - which most men misunderstand to be their wife must be okay now since she's not complaining anymore...when really it's just the calm before the storm.) So when she did try to talk to you - what were her complaints?
Have you read the Light her Fire book? The romantic advice might not be appropriate in your situation but the overall principles of listening, appreciation, and respect apply in any situation! I don't know yet if it will save my marriage but I really credit Light his Fire to a huge improvement in our communication over the past few months! I think he would have moved out a long time ago if not for the changes this book caused me to make in how I treat him. A lot of it is common sense but truly most of us don't realize that we need to make daily decisions over and over to keep showing respect and admiration through our actions.
As to the whole staying out until 3am with small kids comment that some of the men agreed with - you guys don't get it! If a woman has a man who treats her right at home and makes her feel special, those very rare nights that she stays out late with her partying girlfriends are just a huge reminder to her in how awful the men are out there in the bars and what a great guy she has right at home! All her friends will be amazed that her husband trusts her enough to go out and offers to watch the kids once in awhile because he knows she deserves a break and he wants her to have fun. (My husband always scored major "points" in my book for when he did this.) If you make your wife feel sexy and appreciated then you should be pushing her out the door once in awhile to ensure she keeps realizing the grass is not greener on the other side!
Guys, she married YOU out of all the other men she could have married instead...honestly deep down I believe that most of your wives deeply crave that you be "the winner" in this situation and grab her heart back! It's the years of "more of the same behavior" that doesn't allow her to admit that hope. It's her fear that if you get back together she will lose her sexiness again and feel like a worthless frump. Definitely all of your wives might now know it yet but they are so lucky that you guys cared enough to find Divorce Busting and learn how to make the changes you need to make. You guys here really rock!
