Long Journey .......... advice please

[Sanderika]

Hello Cas,

From where I sit, after reading up on your past two weeks, I would say things between you and H have taken a definite turn onto Friendship Road.

The key is to create the atmosphere with your H that you are warm to him and forgive him, showing him that you harbor no grudges and blame for his choice. Showing concern and validation to him come naturally after that. This, they see and with patience, time and consistent behaviors from you will grow the friendship and then the "road" widens for other possibilities.

I am fully convinced that our marriages have no hope of reconciliing unless we re-create the friendship first. After we realize the pain in their hearts and minds from the marriage breaking up then we can understand the long "road" ahead to re-build the friendship. I have lived this. My H and I are friends. Our friendship grows stronger all of the time.

I see you and your H doing the same. This is not easy. I see that your H is warming and growing more content and easy with interactions with you. This is to be nurtured with time and patience and consistency.

NC is a great tool in several ways...for me it has allowed me to grow separately. It allows H to wonder about me. It gives us endless topics to discuss when we do encounter one another. It allows us time to miss one another's company.

For our H's, Ladies I believe this, they were hurt very deeply by us in a manner we didn't realize was happening. It cut them hard. The "road" back is long and difficult, it is a trust issue for them. They built the wall between us to protect themselves. The MLC was a product of the pain. They have brought OW into their lives to fill a void we left open. It will take us time to re-gain their trust and break down the wall.

For me 'n H the wall is coming down. For you, Cas 'n H, the wall is coming down. Protect the progress. Be honest and good to H to maintain the current status and then with time he will be able to trust you and be open to reciprocate.

I have lived by this for a long time now. I wouldn't give up and I am grateful for the current status. I believed from the beginning the work would be up to me. I took it on with earnest and I think H is also happy (and surprised) that we are at this place together.

H is still with OW. I am fine with that. I haven't changed my mind. I am able to now see it clearly. I now have accepted it all. Things can still change. I won't initiate any longer, it is H who now initiates our contacts. I have to think that NC from me has been a valid tool. Letting go is a valid tool. Accepting "What is....is" is a valid tool. Time is a tool. This is a learning process for both parties.

Sorry to ramble, Cas. I see you have come as far as me. Your H is warming. Things can and will change as long as you maintain your outlook and treatment towards H.

(((((Cas)))))

Sanderika