This is all good advice, but it just isn't the same without my W.
We are doing dinner tonight as a family. I sent her an email and told her that if she wanted to stop over and tuck the kids into bed afterward it was fine. I understood if she didn't, but I told her it is tough to be away, esspecially on a day like today.
She replied and said thanks for the invite and that we will play it by ear.
It wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no either. I don't plan to talk about our R with her, but I do look forward to seeing her. I miss her, I know I need to temper that feeling and will; but seeing her today took everything out of me and I want to see her again. I promise my fellow DBers that I won't talk about the relationship and will in fact be as confident and happy as I can be.
I want her to see I am strong, but also want her to know that I value her as a mother to our children.
Well, it went as good as it could. It was actually fun, it was good to see my W smile, and I smiled too.
My W did come back over to tuck the kids in.
When she was leaving, I thanked her. She said it was nice. I probably did something wrong here, but I don't regret it.
I told her I missed her and it was good to see her today. She said she is still very sad about what happened and said that she gets angry when she thinks about what we are losing. She said when she leaves she misses the kids and the house, but it stops there.
She went on to say these words...and I am hanging on them, because I am not sure if they are positive or not.
She said "I am trying to be friends, and I want to, but I don't think I could ever love you again, at least not like I did."
Okay, so, on the surface, that sounds bad. However, She didn't say she couldn't love me or wouldn't love me. She said she didn't think she could love me. That seems less harsh.
Honestly, after 6 weeks of this, I somehow find that encouraging.
The for sale sign for our house is in the garage. She told our D that she thought she might be able to keep the house (there is no way on gods green earth either of us could on our own). Tonight I asked her if there was anything I could do this week to help with the sale of the house. She started to cry and said that she tried to put the sign in the yard, but couldn't get it in the ground (total BS). She said she took it as a sign. I told her I couldn't put it up either. She cried and said she had to leave.
I didn't beg, ask her to change her mind, etc... I didn't even cry, but I am sure I looked sad. I stayed very calm, even when she said she didn't love me though inside I was crushed.
Outside she looked up at the house and started to cry again. Then she cleared her throat and got business like and said the kids needed to have lights out at 9:00, etc.. House-keeping stuff.
Anyone give me some outside perspective on all of this? Is this a good thing? Am I being overly optimistic? Am I being an idiot?
I see nothing in her words to suggest anything but divorce. However, her actions aren't the same.
When people say this process can be tough, there is no way anyone who hasn't gone through it can possibly understand.
Sandi, I know you were in my wife's shoes. Tell me what you think.
Well, I feel better today. I'm not sure it will stick, but I will try.
My FIL emailed me to say that my W came to their house last night and was pretty sad, confussed and angry. I'm okay with the first two, not the third.
He said by the time he got there, she had calmed down.
He thought this was good. He said she needs to go through the process to determine what it is she needs to do.
I'm still hanging on to that single word "think". She said "I don't think I could love you again, at least not the way I did". Am I wrong to see hope in that? I didn't show any emmotion when she said it. I just said I understood.
Today was a fairly balanced day. I was sad when my FIL emailed me to say my W came to their house last night sad, confussed and angry (see above).
He continued to email me saying that this is part of the process. I replied that it is a process I don't want to be part of, the divorce process. His reply was that it is only a process, it may or may not end in divorce. I don't think he knows anything, but he told me that hoping was good.
I met with my counselor today and he feels everything I have done with DB, including the words I said last night, were good. He said the toughest part is staying the course...he's right. He encouraged me to continue to do what I am doing.
Everyone says that. You're doing an amazing job, you have the right approach, etc... Sometimes I just want someone to say "you're doing it all wrong" or "you need to do this". I do agree that there is little else I can do; but I also know that this is tough. You all know that too.
I was told, today, that she is considering meeting with a mutual friend, a former teacher of both of ours, to talk. This teacher went through a divorce involving and affair and her desire to be independent. She said it wasn't the smartest thing she ever did...so I am hoping a woman with a similar perspective will help my W. I'm not saying she is wrong, I just think it helps to hear from people that have expereince in this. I know it has helped me with the issues of abuse as a child..it amazes me how many people are willing to talk about their abuse so openly.
Well, back to watch "A bugs Life" with the kids. I really do enjoy this time with them, I just wish it was our entire family enjoying this time and not just "my turn" with them.
Sandi, I know you were in my wife's shoes. Tell me what you think.
What I have to say is not the answer to this question.....well maybe it is in an indirect way. I hope this will not do more hurt to you b/c that is not my intent, but I am going to be completely honest. (Well....I am always honest with you....but that is just a way of saying something--so don't pick the words apart.)
I think you have put yourself in a place of obsessing about your wife and it is going to turn her off more and more. A woman can sense this about a man and it is not attractive. The love you so despartly want from her will not be there--due to how you have presented your emotions to her.
I don't blame you for wanting hope to cling to....however, you remind me of some characters in movies I've seen where the woman is trying to be nice and tell the man she is not interested and probably will never be interested.....and yet he hangs onto that one word that she didn't even notice or "intended" to say. She really didn't mean anything by it.....she didn't put any value on that one word....but the man placed everything on it b/c that is what he wanted to believe.
You have done so great and you should feel good about that. I just hate to see you this sad and depressed b/c I'm concerned that it comes across in your personna. You don't seem to be getting a life.....or maybe it is just b/c you come here to vent your feelings about her. It's good that you do, but I do believe you have passed the "normal" thoughts, concerns, and feelings toward your W and it is now becoming an unhealthy obsession. I personally think you need to work very hard to keep your mind on other things beside just your wife. You must move forward as if she is not going to ever be part of your life again. You see, if you don't....then there is no chance of her being attracted to you. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like a man loses something when he gets to obsessing about a woman. He becomes clingy and needy and she can't see him as the strong manly person who she wants as her knight in shining armour. A woman will not be attracted to a male who is weak and needy. She has to be attracted to you before she has the "feelings" you are wanting her to have!
You must stop telling her that you "miss" her. Can't you see what that does? You knew it was the wrong thing to do and yet you still did it! That is what I can't understand. Can you see how the evening would have ended much better if you had not opened that door of emotion again? Why did you think that she would react differently this time? You go down that tunnel thinking you are going to find cheese....and even the mice knows by now that there is no cheese there. Stop going down that tunnel! Don't let the mice be smarter than you!
I might as well throw this in too. If you are expressing your feelings of missing her....b/c you have the need to say that so badly that it is more important than the "outcome"....then that is pure selfishness! You know you were expecting an reaction from her. If she had been flipant and said, "Okay, well, see ya" and went out the door....you would have lost your teeth! You were hoping that she would melt and b/c you told her your feelings it would have a positve effect on her.....but it didn't. It won't the next time, either. She is not deaf....you have told her this and she heard you, okay? It is not necessary to tell her again. Being S or D is not like being M where you continue to tell the other spouse how you feel.
What are you doing to make yourself more interesting and attractive? (I think I've asked this before.) Sitting around thinking of how much you love your wife and how you "just want this to be over" is not attractive and nobody wants to be around somebody like that. So, pull yourself out of this slump before you end up in the hospital. You are an amazing man and it is such a waste to see you do this when you could be growing into an even greater man than you already are! You can be giving to your children all the love and attention that they deserve. You need to live life every day instead of thinking of how sad you are. Yes, it hurts, but if she doesn't go back to you...are you going to spend each day--from here on out--thinking the way you "have" been doing lately? You can't control her decisions, but you can have control about your own life and how you choose to live it. Happiness is a choice.....and nobody will make you happy....that isn't even fair to place that burden on her. I believe with my whole heart that if you really made up your mind to be as happy as possible, then that would make you so much more pleasant to be around. I know you are trying not to show how you are feeling, but she knows. You've got to do the work on the inside of you in order for it to shine through.
Sorry for having to use so many 2x4's on you. I have not wanted to do that b/c I didn't want you to be even more depressed than you were. But I have had to live with depression my entire adult life and I can choose to get the medication I need to help me and I can choose to train my brain to have the right thought patterns....or I can wallow in self pity. To say that we just want the bad stuff to end is the same as saying that we wish we were children again b/c we don't like the hard stuff. To place the responsibility of making us happy on some other person is too selfish and lazy. That is saying that we want the easy way out b/c we don't want to work to do it ourselves.
In my POV, you have done the hardest part already. I heard it said that we never stand still b/c we are either going forward or backward in our growth. Please, please do not waste that hard work you did and let yourself start sliding backward into some kind of back pit of misery.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't apologize. First, I think it is difficult to relay all aspects of a situation in a forum like this. Hoenstly, I tend to come here when I am at my lowest, and that shows in my posts. Tonight is actually an exception to that. I do post here as a way to vent my feelings, as opposed to allowing them to flow in front of my wife.
I am comfortable with what I said to her. I didn't cry, ask her to come back or anything like that. In fact I asked her what more I could do to help sell our new house...that is when she got emmotional.
I did say I missed her. Beyond that, I didn't say more about our R.
So, here is what I have...
My wife asked for a divorce. She wanted to file "the next day". That was almost 7 weeks ago.
She has given me forms to fill out, financial disclosures, and asked for them to be done by next Wed. That was two weeks from when she asked.
She said, at the time she gave me the forms, that she wanted to file by the 23rd. Now she has planned a b-day sleep over for our daughter that night and wants me to help out...seems like an odd thing to do if we will be filing that day.
She knows we need to sell the house. She asked me to "at least help her do it". I got the sign from our old house and put it in the garage and let her know it was there and could be put up. It is still in the garage almost 2 weeks later.
She did use the word "Think" when she said "I don't think I could love you again, at least not like I did".
She has accepted an offer from a co-friend to talk. This is a person who went through a similar situation when she was our age (she's about 25 years older than us). This is a new thing, until now, she hasn't wanted anyone to talk to her; she didn't want anyone to change her mind.
She accidentally called me "sweetie" the other day.
She told me on a Friday that she didn't want to know what I was doing with my personal time. 48 hours later she asked me if I was seeing someone because she heard I was.
I can explain aaway each and everyone of these things with logic. but their sum total paints a picture that does not match her words.
I have "walked away", that is tough to do as clearly as the DB book portrays when you have kids. We have to interact. We have to talk.
I don't email her. When she emails me...and she does, and about completly random things, often times redundant things, I reply after a short time (an hour or two) with very specific answers. Sort of how a friend would reply. I am always cheery, even if I am feeling down.
When I find myself in a situation with her face to face, I look her in the eye, I listen to her, I never show anger or sadness. I don't cry.
In talking with many people, they are amazed at "how well" I am doing. I'm not. But that information flows quickly in a town of 19,000 and she hears that.
I am in the public eye. Just yesterday I gave a speech at a ground breaking. I was funny, and probably gave one of the best performances of my career. It was televised and put on our local website. In addition, it was for the organization where my W works and they sent out an email with a link to the video to all 5000 employees stating that the Mayor's comments had the crowd laughing. She got the email.
I am GALing. I have done things I haven't done in a decade. I've rekindled friendships and found positive outlets for myself.
Hell...I bought a guitar today. She'll be very confussed by that move! An impulsive buy on something I have never shown an interest in before.
I know she is confussed...but so am I. I am enjoying this time away and when I am with the kids, I am enjoying that. Tonight we had dinner with grandma, played ball, watched a movie and did bedtime stories. It's becoming a ritual to do some of these things that were "special events" before. I know she has noticed these things too. Don't get me wrong, we are both good parents, but I think in a situatioon like this, everyone gets more focused on parenting.
So, I may have slipped, but I didn't fall. I think this is working. The hope is important. I can't ignore it, but I also understand I can not project this into my interactions with her.
How's that? See, when I am feeling good, I tend to post positive things. When I am whiny, I post things that make you take out the 2x4s.
I apprecaite the feedback. I look forward to more.
I havent read you whole sitch, but your last post sure sounds like you are on the right path. My W told me some very similar things as yours. Mine has also acted inconsistently with what she said.
No guarantees, but hang in there, and keep doing what you're doing. Just let it play out while you keep improving yourself, both as a man and a father.
I have to say, I am watching the movie Fireproof again tonight. Second time since my sitch started.
It's a movie that you probably need to watch several times.
I see progress from where I was several weeks ago. NOTHING my wife says has changed...but I do believe that I have changed, and that is visible; not as much as if we were still living together, but certainly visible.
Now, that is not to say I won't be back here crying again in a day or two...and Sandi will have to take her 2x4s out again :-)
I posted a while back that saying I was going to change was not enough. I've said that before and didn't do it...so why would my W believe me now? Actions speak louder than words...but take longer.
I continue to find ways to improve myself. I have gotten involved in things I haven't done before (see my post from last week about golfing with friends). My wife actually emailed and said it hurt her to hear I was doing this because she asked me to golf with her so many times and I ALWAYS said no...I capitolized Always, because that isn't true...you know the rules; never say NEVER, ALWAYS, etc...
So, all I know is that I am not divorced, papers haven't been filed and I see hesitation. I am prepared to file with her next week; but honestly feel it is 50/50 that we will. Maybe I am fabricating the hope...but it is hope. Since I see this hope while doing the things mentioned here, I will continue to do them.
Sandi, please, feel free to keep me in line. The nice thing about being anonymous here is that I can be completly open and honest...so what I post is generally exactly what I am expereincing, seeing and feeling.
Back to the movie. The first time I was a wreck and cried through most of it. Tonight I am feeling more empowered by it.
The nice thing about being anonymous here is that I can be completly open and honest...so what I post is generally exactly what I am expereincing, seeing and feeling.
Isn't it great that we can do that? I don't know anyone I have ever been as open and honest as I have here on the board. We hold back in sharing our "uglies" with most people, but are free here.......and then duck if you see a 2x4 coming at ya!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
